Opinion: All hail our new I.H.S Overlords! (Or how to use Jingoism to get TeamGB behind your wacky idea)

Bloggers choice: Today I had two things to potentially write about on here...

1) a light fluff piece gently mocking the N.H.S 'brand' proposals... based around an image that I find amusing

B) A strongly researched and controversial polemic about providing assisted suicide facilities to the physically healthy, but mentally shattered... this would not be a light read. It would be uncomfortable and heavy, like receiving a mercury enema in a gravity well...
Luckily, number 1 wins... fluff rules the day, it's easier to be flippant than to bother with serious research in this humidity to be honest... but stick around for that other one... it will appear eventually... and it'll be a 'Laff Riot' akin to Leigh Francis doing all of his 'character' at you... in a locked room... forever.

So instead of that I bring you fluff... and Fluff that will only deal in boundless positivity...

...and that might be tricky, because I'm planning a fluff piece about changes to the N.H.S... A subject that usually gets all sides in the political spectrum frothing incoherently... much like the 'pro-life debate' for the U.S, it is as divisive as it is obvious who is in the right.

Today the idea was floated to make the N.H.S a global health brand... a provider to the  world, probably on  the back of that very subtle advert Danny Boyle snuck into that Olympic Shindig... with Brand N.H.S's stock being so high it is no surprise that the world is crying out for merchandise: Bieber fans are throwing away posters of their hero and instead putting up N.H.S issue, 'standardised patient assessment sheets' whilst Lady Gaga was seen wrapping herself in N.H.S issue surgical bandage and saying: "Healthcare... I am a snake... the snake is art and my little monsters are provided free at the point of delivery... woop... I have a new single you know"
A phrase which 'Pop Linguistic' experts theorise may 'have something to do with the N.H.S... perhaps'

But how do you sell this idea back home. You could use 'numbers'... blather a load of statistics: 'if we blah blah in overseas markets blee blah blah we could improve investment in Bibble bibble Blee Blah and...'

Of course everyone in Britain knows that any number issued by an authority figure is likely to be utter nonsense... so... you have to appeal to something foreign and strange... something new to the national psyche, in order to  get slip it under the conscious radar and sneak it around the layer of cynicism that makes up 80% of the national character.
 
You have to appeal to 'National Pride'

Before the Olympics, the only thing Britain was honestly proud of was our self-depracation. Now... well... if Bradley Wiggins had asked for a peasants revolt... well, let's just say Westminster would have a row of head on spikes, the country would be renamed 'Team GB' and we would have our first, for life, genuine 'God-King'... and he would be a cyclist...

...and it is in this spirit that the Government needs to market this latest N.H.S change if they want us to really 'go for it'...

This isn't the old N.H.S, sitting around and waiting for illness to come to it, this is Team G.B.N.H.S and its going to chase down bad health, regardless of which country it's skulking in, catch it and kick it's putrid face off, before planting a Union flag in the glistening raw head flesh and singing a rousing rendition of 'Hey ]ude'...

Eventually we'd have Giant Robot Hospitals roaming the world on arachnid-style legs, firing anti-retroviral drugs into mouths of grateful H.I.V sufferers who weep and wave the new flag of the I.H.S, a clenched fist, clutching a syringe, punching a virus in the throat... however that might look.
On the horizon, a great flotilla of giant 'destroyer class' hospitals would rule the waves, surrounding a territory before bombarding it with sexual health advice pamphlets, prescriptions and quality assured surgical implements.

The commandos of this elite I.H.S could invade sovereign nations, bringing healthy foods and forcing a regime of cardio exercise onto people who are, in all honesty, slightly less appreciative than the H.I.V sufferers were.
But still, under the flag of the Great British N.H.S (Brand) they would be welcomed around the world.

The job, to make you healthy, even if they have to fuck you up to do it...

In fact people would be so joyous and grateful that they would spontaneously throw money at this I.H.S, so it could do that most implausible of tasks of being free at the point of delivery whilst still, somehow providing funding for the coffers back home...

The People of the U.K would love this new, go getting, health service more than ever... We'd cheer it on like an Olympic boxer that had won a gold despite 'only getting into the sport a few years ago'... we too would start buying the Team G.B.N.H.S merchandise... the 'official' catheter, the repeat prescription, the essential medical procedure...

...and it would all be so exciting that we'd probably even never notice that it was no longer 'National' or 'Free'...

Opinion: 2 Messy Break-ups at once...surely David Cameron is the unluckiest man who ever lived..

Now that the Olympics are well and truly over and the dust has settled, it's time to take a chilled, dispassionate look at all the winners and Losers... and for once it is utterly clear on this occasion who is who...

There’s something strangely perverse about feeling sorry for David Cameron. Never has a man appeared to be so designed for high office… presumably from conception onwards he was supposed to be 'the boss'... In fact this may have been one of the few occasions that the subject came up during the conception.
"I tell you what dear, if I hit the target with this little blighter, I'm sure our boy... and it will be a boy... will one day use his thoroughbred Genetics and inherited wealth to hold a fractional lead in a messy coalition Government"

Given that, my feeling pity for him must be roughly akin to a levied peasant in Egypt worrying about how the Sun God Ra is getting on with the other Gods.
But I do feel sorry for him. In fact I think he is currently the unluckiest man in the world...

... and here's why;

The Olympics, and lack of  political news have highlighted the fact that D-Cam appears to be going through all the trappings of a very messy break up… except in this case, he's in the impossible position of handling two ex’s at once. Two... and I can tell you that is the most unenviable position in the world.
Making it worse, neither are particularly subtle.. in fact, although very different, both are equally troublesome, publicity happy and keen to tell all of Dave's mates how he was "crap in bed and was scared to pathetic blubbing by the (utterly dreadful) Paranormal Activity films"

Well... Metaphorically speaking of course...

Nick Clegg has taken the route of the 'mopey fantasist' Ex... My personal favourite… He’s wailing about how it was 'That Bastard' who broke the rules of the relationship: "The bastard… *sniff* the utter utter bastard... but, we have to stay together for the children and... *sob*... and I still love him and you know… maybe If I lose that extra pound and *sniff* have my hair done he’ll still want me back… we can still make this partnership work... I know we can... *Massive theatrical breakdown*"

You can imagine Nick starting off the evening by getting ready to go out, putting on new shoes, spending a lot of his time making the new 'break up hair do' look ‘just so’, all whilst listening to inspiring power ballads.

But you can also imagine him ending that same evening having not gone anywhere. Eye make up running down the cheeks, looking at reception pictures of him and Dave in the ‘Rose Garden’ in happier days and instead of ‘I will survive’ he’s snivelling along to ‘The Winner Takes it all’ using an empty gin bottle as a microphone… But on the news.To the whole nation.

And then there’s Boris… The 'Other Ex'

He of course has gone completely the opposite way: genuine confidence, looking great, his new hairdo has worked a treat, and now the serious business of flirting with all of Dave’s old mates can begin.
Now when both of them turn up at the same party, like say, the Olympics, it's the Glamorous Bojo the crowd are all waiting for… nobody looks over at Dave at all, except with shifty, suspicious, sideways glances... and when Bojo finally silks in, all glittering smile and lush barnet, all the heads turn... even Dave's as he is briefly distracted from standing in the corner, trying to appear casual... and as if he still totally belongs there, whilst putting on his best 'Not at all bothered over here' face...

But all the onlookers know what he’s really doing there… You can imagine the conversation going something like:
Wealthy Tory Donor 1: "Oh god HE’s here.."
Wealthy Tory Donor 2: "Well I didn't invite him"
WTD1: "Nobody does these days.. I tell you he better not come over all jealous and make a scene..."
WTD2: "I know... he shows up everywhere... like a stalker..."
WTD1: "Well... I'm not standng for it... Look, if he even looks like he's going over there.. yeah... you just get between them… I reckon I’m going to go for the first dance tonight"

This is Boris being wooed by the city… (apparently)… the form this 'wooing' might take I dread to think. With our BoJo it could be almost anything. The upshot remains the same: some powerful people seem very keen that Boris should be the next Tory candidate to be Prime Minister.

How do we know this, well probably because a completely different group of powerful people have engineered a leak to make it look like the first group of powerful people want him in.. either way at least one group of powerful people genuinely think that their best interests are served with the Ex…
Poor D-Cam knows this… and even as he tries to show himself off at public events, being all 'over the relationship' and 'well casual' and 'proper virile'… he's still got that other ex in the background, snivelling: "No No No... We're together... you need me… we can be back how it was… the Coalition cannot fail..."

...and if you can't feel sorry for that predicament... well... you are either made of stone... or you're one of those ex's mentioned above... and if you are... and you're actually reading this... the message is simple:
"You go girlfriend..."

Opinion: Boris... Just Boris

Boris Johnson is a phenomena.

Yesterday he was being touted by the Telegraph as a strong candidate to Usurp David Cameron before the 2015 Election, having wooed party Donors his way with a 'Strong Pro Business' stance.

Did I say strong? I meant utterly frenzied, even going to the utterly 'Balls Out crazy' move of inviting Rupert Murdoch to be his personal guest at the Olympics... 

To appreciate just how 'Strong' a 'Pro Business' gesture this is, just remember, A) This Billionaire Mogul isn't exactly at his most popular at the moment and B) Boris is responsible for the Met Police, who are currently in the middle of investigating News Corp (amongst others) over various things, and are themselves under pressure, having been accused of complicity in some of the things they are now investigating...

So... Yesterday he seemed unstoppable. The city had their boy, willing to perform a very very PDA with one of the most divisive figures in U.K business, they were misty-eyeing at him like the nerdy library kid gawping the pretty girl who wouldn't speak to him*... potentially it was just a matter of getting the public to fall for him in the same way...

Today...
Well Today... This:

Now some people are writing off his chances. Guffawing at him...
'Oh look at the Silly Dangling Man'
'He can never win... Look at him... He is a Silly... a Silly...'

Be warned though, don't write him off... This is Meat and Gravy to this man...
Don't forget he was swept to victory as Mayor of London on a Platform of: 'Being Quite Funny on Panel Shows' and being 'Less Sickeningly Odious than Ken Livingstone'
Now you may not think that is an adequate enough skillset to lead a country... and you'd be correct...
But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen...

Even Cameron was forced to admit it: "If any other politician got stuck on a zipwire it would be disastrous. With Boris it's a triumph."


...and I imagine that quote was uttered through teeth so gritted that the merest agitation would have caused them to shatter into microscopic fragments. Whilst it is true that Duncan praised Macbeth before the regicide, it is slightly more unusual for him to cheer him on between stabbings.

Before the Mayoral Election I begged London to not vote for him. I obviously didn't have as much influence as I hoped... I should also note that I begged them to avoid voting for Livingstone, but it would be a bit suspect to call what happened a win for me...

I feel there is a genuinely worrying trend to put personality before ability in politics these days. Tories will lay the blame at the feet of Tony Blair, Labour will claim that Thatcher did it first, (Like so many of the 'Things Tony Did')... The Lib Dems... well they'll say.. something... probably something that sits between the two and means nothing...

Could the Country do this on a larger scale? Would they gamble the future of our nation on a man who most closely resembles Wurzel Gummage before he became an enchanted scarecrow?

Well... People like Boris... He is a surprisingly good public speaker for someone who has a default setting of 'Incoherent'. He knows how to get a crowd going, witness his 60,00 person bitchslap of Mittens Romney... and he can laugh at himself, evinced by his sterling buffoonery/recovery whilst hanging over his city like something from a rejected line of Bullingdon christmas decorations...

Will they vote for him?

Of course.. they voted for him in London... and he is clever.. he is one of the few to take an important lesson from American Politics, the 'Dubya' lesson that nobody else has ever been brave enough to utilise: In times of crisis, people tend to have more trust in those who they feel are less intelligent than themselves.

Of course, anyone who thinks this about Boris, but doesn't happen to work at CERN, is utterly wrong. He is highly educated, strategic and has cultivated this persona for years... and besides, he has advisors for any of the really hard stuff... by any measure he is more intelligent than most. But the perception is unthreatening: How could he possibly be tricking us? He'd forget and blurt out any nefarious plans before tripping over and grabbing the breasts of a female assistant in a 'hilarious carry-on' Manner...

So, he has the vote of the 'Banter' brigade... even if anyone who uses that word in the positive is arguably so witless as to not deserve oxygen, let alone any deciding power over the future of our country.

... and The 'Average Tory' voter?
Well... he does poll well amongst the rank and file. He is seen as being more Tory than the Neo-Blair Conservatism of Cameron... and besides.. Cameron is just that bit too shiny and airbrushed (Both in real life and in campaign literature)... He's a middle manager... lift muzak... the human equivalent of an Ikea shelving unit... perfectly functional and well designed, but nothing too exciting...

Boris on the other hand is a Rocket Powered Union jack painted Grandfather Clock, almost a caricature of 'Dribblingly Insane Ruling Class'. Where Cameron wouldn't follow a 'Conservative' idea out of the door if Public Opinion was raining too heavily, Boris... Well Boris would throw himself straight out of the window... and with his luck he'd land squarely on his feet, the idea in his hand and a rose in his teeth... and Public opinion... well it would Laud him... because he's Boris... and that's just what he does...

...and Labour... what can they do?

Well. They can only hope that the Public fall out of love with him... because, with the ammo they're currently packing, they aren't going to win the battle of personalities any time soon... and any attempt to ridicule Boris or conventional attempt knock him off his pedestal will only increase his 'Clown-Shoe' Cache.

So what do they have left?
They need to find their own Lovable chap who doesn't take himself too seriously, who can raise a crowd into a US style woop and who doesn't mind cultivating a ridiculous persona, whilst using it to cloak a genuinely astute political brain...

... to me that sounds like only one other Political Figure...

So... who else is up for Bojo Vs Prezza in 2015?

(*Yeah... I mean me here... Obviously)

Opinion: Thank you for Romneyshambles!

Sometimes you're day is going lousy... It happens to the best of us... Today it is happening to me
Now what do you need to cheer you up?

Well.. how about seeing an American Presidential hopeful having a much worse day than you, perhaps  doing an overseas 'Goodwill' tour with all the success of the Griswald family's European vacation?

Ok... Balance time. I have very few opinions on Mitt... I think he has ludicrous religious beliefs... but that's fine... a U.S Presidential hopeful has to express belief in some nonsense witchery... yeah his particular brand of hocus-pocus is a bit more 'modern' and seems to believe the post-mortem conversion of holocaust victims to their religion is just 'Okey-Dokey-Fine'... but hell... all religions kinda believe that a magic man in the sky made everything, so I can let him off on that...

I mainly know him through seeing pictures on the internet and thinking... 'Oh, Morrisey has gone all American... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Ash from the Evil Dead looks quite old now... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Oh... Evil Corporate Elvis has lost a lot of weight.. but got quite Evil-looking*'

(*By 'Evil Looking' I mean terrifyingly rich, a state that is roughly akin to Evil for your average UK-er... oh and if you see these jokes elsewhere.. they are mine, but they are a gift to the world...)

As for his politics, well, let's just say: 'they are not designed for me'. If I were eligible to vote for him, I wouldn't... and he wouldn't want me to... we're very different politically. He's very rich and acts accordingly. I'm shockingly poor and act rarely....

So I can and will not comment on them...

Ahhh.. but catastrophic media strategy fuck-ups... that is something I can talk about... and rarely have I seen such Gold in such a short space of time.

Quick Recap.

1) The 'Anglo-Saxon' thing... He 'understands' us because of Anglo Saxon Heritage... Up to the minute their Mr Rommers.. Anglo-Saxon eh? That was a long time ago... but ok, aside from the eenie bit dodgy undertone of this comment... I'm sure you'll soon demonstrate that understanding. The Floor is yours Mittens.

2) The Ed Miliband 'Mr Leader' Thing... Now that may be a cultural thing, calling the opposition leader by his title and not his name, maybe, or it maybe a lack of home work... some have of course suggested that it means Miliband isn't a big player on the world stage... Probably true... but still... if you're meeting someone on a goodwill tour, maybe remembering the name of the guy you're shaking hands with isn't the biggest chore in the world...

Still.. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and imagine that he really does call people by a variation of their job title... 'Mr Driver', 'Mr Pizza-Man' or perhaps 'Mr Media Strategy Advisor who really should know Better'

3) The Olympic 'Thing'. Wow... just Wow... It has taken a wealthy American Presidential hopeful to finally do what the combined might of Sebastian Coe and LOCOG have failed to achieve. The UK have been entirely united behind the Olympic games by a few mild, but bafflingly ill advised comments about our ability to host this event... and jings, is he suffering for it now.

The comments are fairly mild really... nothing compared to what our own media have been saying all along. It's the rookie nature of the timing that is causing the derision. Insulting the host nation of the Olympics on your 'Goodwill' tour is pretty good. Doing it on the day before the opening ceremony, when the torch arrives in London and public support explodes is a master-stroke of shambolism... in fact I'd check your media team Romneo... anyone in there with the surname Obama?

Having done that he attempted to backtrack, using bemusing lines about looking out 'The Backside' of 10 Downing street, and saying that 'mistakes would be made' anyway...  But the damage was done... Then someone coined the term '#Romneyshambles' (Most likely @ldncalling, so credit there)

Romneyshambles is beautiful, because it conveys so much in such a concise way. If it doesn't make sense to you, Google 'Omnishambles' and then come back... I'll wait...

#Romneyshambles is now trending hard on Twitter. It is a license for people like me, who really have had little interest in Romney to make jokes, mainly for the sake of joking... But it isn't just zeroes like me who have been firing comedic pea-shooters at this particular elephant... some 'real people' have got in on the act:

He has just been 'called out' in Hyde Park, in front of 60,000 people by Boris Johnson. Boris-Fucking-Johnson... Let's just take a moment to reflect on that... A potential future President of the U.S got served by our very own Bullingdon Buffoon, now, that's gotta sting... (Who, rather hilariously, is now being accused of being a 'Communist' by some rabid Romney Supporters on the #Romneyshambles hashtag).

Cameron too got in a zinger about how it's much harder to organise this in a capital city, rather than 'The Middle of Nowhere'... perhaps a veiled dig at the whole 'Salt Lake City' thing... (Just so you know, a representative of the Mayor of Salt Lake City kinda Zinged Cameron back, by offering him a map to find it...)

Oh and even our Louise Mensch, the benchmark for bandwagon-leaping-zeitgeist-chasery called him an 'embarrassment'.... Others have said 'Apparently devoid of charm, warmth, humour or sincerity', 'What a total shocker', 'We are speechless', 'Total car crash' and 'Worse than Palin'.. Ouch, Ouch OUCH... that's gotta sting... and lest we forget, these are people sympathetic to his politics...  I'm not even going to go into what the Left have been saying...

4) The 'Fund Raising Evening' Thing. What is worse than your Fund raising dinner having a low uptake, so much so that you are reducing the admission from $75,000 to.. erm... 'free'... Well, here's something.. sending those free invites to the press pack and bloggers who immediately display the amended invitations on the internet. Big Ooops there. Quick lesson. Snarky UK Political Bloggers (Even those firmly 'on the right') will not let allegiance get in the way of breaking a cracking story.

So... Poor old Romney... I actually feel sorry for the guy...

I'm sure it's just a blip, and it probably won't effect his standing at home.. those that Love him obviously still do, and are blinded to anything negative about him... those that don't... well they don't.. and the exact same goes, they will see no positives...

But for me (who is having a pure rotten day all round), the site of a fabulously wealthy man,  performing the political equivalent of the 'Sideshow Bob rake' is at least bringing a smile to my face...

... and I'm sure he'd prefer that to 'pity'.. especially from the likes of me..

Of course... There is always the possibility that The UK have maybe... just maybe, royally pissed off a man who could one day be in charge of the largest Nuclear stockpile in the world... but even if that's the case, it will still put my, trifling, 'Rotten day' into perspective...

Thus I win...

Opinion: Mili-Bandwagon Blues

Picture the scene.
You have to travel somewhere.
The trek may be difficult, but it is possible.
You come to a station, there are two choices of transport.

Would you go for:
1) 'The beautiful people of your Gender preference who just happen to have no sexual inhibitions and pockets full of cash and non-fattening chocolate... oh and there are Unicorns as well, and REAL transformers... and your very favourite food and drinks are provided and Kurt Cobain and John Lennon are alive and Jamming with Keith Moon and Jimmy Hendrix on the back seat' Bus Company?

or

2) 'The Seats are made of vinegar and barbed wire, and drills and things, oh and they're all rusty, the driver is a blind lunatic with chronic spasm syndrome and every five minutes a concentrated stream of sewage is jetted into your eyes, ears, nose and mouth, at least until we plunge off a cliff and into a slowly closing scrap-crusher' Bus Company?

 Seems obvious doesn't it?

Ok, now imagine you're Ed Miliband...
 Right, now after you've come back to your senses and towelled off the horror sweat I'll explain.

Today Ed had a choice of two bandwagons.

The first was rolling along nicely. PM D-Cam had condemned Jimmy Carr's legal tax avoidance strategy, but ignored the Gary Barlow (And God Knows how many others, and since he never existed he isn't telling) Open net there surely? It's an uncomfortable one for Cameron, tax avoidance/evasion. I mean, I bet with some digging plenty of donors and pals of the PM could be implicated in this sort of scheme, if not the PM himself. Combine that with the perceived 'Singling out' by the PM of Carr, which probably has nothing to do with his jokes... But could look like it does.

So does Ed come out swinging on this today? Does he leap on this rocket powered, chrome plated, bandwagon and ride it straight down D-Cam's throat, through his insides and out to electoral glory, shaming all tax avoiders into paying up, saving the U.K economy and perhaps causing England to win 'That Football' and saving us from hostile aliens who like Fruit Pastels with the face of Jimmy Saville?

Well... No.

 Instead, he decided to drag a Bandwagon out of a sewer. Nobody is using it at the moment. And the wheels are broken. And the seats are all Razor blades.

This Bandwagon is called. 'Migrants dun it' and for some reason this is the one he decided to ride today, and instead of going down D-Cams throat he went straight up Nick Griffen's flabby, racist arse...

What?
Don't you want to win Ed?

Lots of people are working hard on your side and this is how you thank them? Not to mention the Government themselves, who appear to be doing the best to get you in... Maybe it's a Bullingdon bet or something... A forfeit for not getting your round of Prozzies in after the Swan's blood.

Look at Twitter Ed, look at the Tories now revelling in their chance to look 'Not Racist'... See how many loyal Labourites are trying to contextualise your words, not only to make you appear less like a closet 'Mailer', but also to shield you from your own, (Seemingly obvious to all observers) lack of strategy. It isn't the speech itself that is the problem, as it appears to be fairly thoughtful, it is the perception of the speech, but far worse it's your choice of battles.

Today, you look like a thoughtless rookie at the absolute best. A racist at worst... And from worst to best you almost certainly come across as 'a bit of a bellend'.

Unless of course this is a 'Plan' and Labour has their own Tax Rats about to stream out of the woodwork and this is your own version of a 'distraction'.

If that is the plan, look at D-Cam for guidance... The 'master' of such puppetry, trained under the ultimate Dark Lord Blair... He'd never sacrifice the queen to save a pawn.

The lesson here is simple. No matter how distracting you need to be, never dress the leader up as Hitler. He'll just end up looking a Twat.

Opinion: New Gove in Town, Good 'O' Levels

Michael Gove is a Man on a mission. This Mission is either to: Restore Britain to a period of perceived Glory, based on a fusion of traditional values and standards with modern methods... Or.... Or perhaps he's just staking a future place in the Bojo/D-Cam/Gove/Osborne leadership face off. A contest that could easily be decided by totting up the policy ideas each candidate has suggested that looks like a direct plagiarism from the Daily Mail Letters Page.

 Gove, who previously took the humble step of issuing copies of the Bible with his name on them, has chosen a real doozy here. This one will have reactionary neophobes tugging/flicking themselves off in a 'Everything was somehow both better and worse and harder and better and better in my day' frenzy.

He's bringing back O-Levels. Hurrah! "Because GCSEs are too easy and in my day it was all grumble grumble moan...."

 Firstly I hope that he remembers to thank the pornography and phone-box card industry for keeping the 'Good A and O level' Terminology in current usage, in fact he may have even been passed one of these card's by Gideon... Who will have found it... Only found it... Not called the number on it after using it to measure out a gigantic line of 'chop' 

Yeah.. So... Bringing back an old qualification. Then? Well I have to say, my first thought when I heard this was an exclamation from Alan Gordon Partridge. 'They've rebadged it you fool'
Maybe that's just cynicism...

So let's see what a 'new O level' is going to be like? Well apparently there will be higher and lower tiered papers! Not like the Higher and Lower Tiered papers you used to get with those Stupid, Modern, Lazy, Whorish GCSEs. Different ones. Oh and some higher papers will be 'Closed Book' but not 'Closed Book' like those Crack-Smoking Happy-Slapping Sex-Tape-Making GCSEs. Priestly 'Closed Book' Papers, like in the past... One's that might teach you Latin poetry and not something modern like Dogging on Mcat...

Best of all though they will be harder. Because they are O-Levels. Which were harder because they are what Mail Readers did in their day. (Which must mean they are harder, because surely kids, with access to information and technology lightyears beyond our wildest childhood dreams, could NOT be smarter than we were.)

 Incidentally, the perception of exams getting easier based on increasing results is nothing to do with making schools and examining boards entirely target dependent and encouraging them to basically give up education entirely for the last two years in favour of 'Exam Training'... and you'd be a fool, or a Trotskyist to say otherwise... (Still not entirely sure what that means)

Since I wholeheartedly believe this is possibly the best policy ever, here's a few other school things Gove could rename in order to make your average real world school more like a historical 'public school' that should only exist in fiction about boy-wizards, but sadly doesn't...

Canteen - Refectory. Inside the meals could all be renamed so they sound like Dickensien slop... Oh and since it's in the 'Past' you can ban 9 year olds from whistleblowing your shitty meals on a blog by simply insisting th internet doesn't exist yet, then giving her 'The Cane'

Teacher - Pedagogue. Serves a double purpose this one. Firstly it's a suitably archaic term. Secondly, it is close enough to paedophile that if the teachers start getting uppity about your wonderful changes, you can start a tabloid campaign against them and have their houses burned down.

Detention - 'The Cane'. I.e. "I was caught writing 'Is a bellend' after Michael Gove's inscription on that stupid unrealist book and I got the Cane'. Watch the Mailers foam at that one, you'd almost think that the idea of a youngster being forced to bend over and present their innocent, quivering buttocks for several hard swots from an older man/woman gave them some kind of pleasure wouldn't you?

So you can have those ideas...

And of course when all of us who have, suddenly worthless, GCSE qualifications get old enough to actually read the mail without sicking up our intestines we promise we won't get you to change it back out of our own, uttely misplaced, sense of nostalgia.

Opinion: The Breakdown of Greek Democracy? The answer: A Talent Show!

Has Democracy gone back to it's Cradle in order to have it's Breakdown in Comfort?

As strange as it seems, this may well be happening. There is a possibility in this election that nobody will win, or everybody will win... or a whole load of somethings like that. Maybe the 'Caricature Nazi Party' will win seats and be able to enact whatever bats-ass crazy policy they can dream up in their 'Extras in Mel brooks The Producer's Wannabe' Heads. Perhaps they'll just split it up into tiny bits and give some to each party, or even allow the whole kit and caboodle to be bought by a leading Olive manufacturer, sales of which have been booming since I decided they didn't like salty eyeballs filled with bin juice. Maybe all, Maybe Nothing. We'll find out tonight.

Or perhaps not. Maybe they'll just decided to run it again and again in an effort to create the world's first economy solely based on the 'ballot-counting' industry

As Greece is mainly credited with developing the democracy experiment, perhaps it's time for them to try something new. shake off the dustiness of the age old system, that in theory gives every man a voice, but in practice can give you Cameron, Miliband and... and.... the other guy... you know... the one person in Cameron's outbound text box who didn't get 'LOL' texts and is unlikely to be bussed to Glasgow to meet those Crazy, 'Facebook Loving', Polis they have nowadays.

Some ideas to get them going.

1: Turn the Tables

Take a few random ballot boxes, take a few Random Votes from them. Make these people run the country.
Kind of a Democracy in reverse. Instead of getting a representative for the people, just pluck a representative out of them, put them behind desks and leave them there until they manage to either stumble upon a solution, or, try to escape, fail to escape, realise that armchair punditry is all very well but there's actually a hell of a lot of reading to be done in order to even begin to understand what the hell global finance is about and finally die a natural and humane death from despair before being replaced by another luckless voter.

Of course anyone who does manage to sort out this situation, whether fisherman or stripper, should then be made Emperor for life.... they will have earned it.

2: Sim City Competition.

An obvious one. Why they don't already do this is beyond me. Sim City, for those who don't know it, is a Simulator, of a city. Still with me. It's a game that goes right back to the early days of computing. (Not Retro like you think it... Sonic isn't Retro, Street Fighter 2 isn't Retro... If it didn't come on a tape that was duplicated in somebodies bedroom, legitimately, because that's where the company was actually run from, it isn't Retro Gaming, ok?)

It tests your ability to run an economy, deal with finance, face down ecological crisis and environmental change and manage populations. Sound good?
I know I know, it's just a computer game, a simulation, but is it really a worse indicator of how good you will be at running as country than how good you are at spitting soundbites out of the front of your head without looking like something made up by parents to frighten children? (Poor, poor Gordon)

Maybe if more of our political class had been forced to spend more time in their teens staying in and playing lonely games of Sim City on tear soaked 8-bit machines instead of taking cocaine (or of course, not) and smashing places up for fun we'd have better politicians... or more likely just many more inadequate bloggers, only with richer parents.

3: Talent Show.

Ok... You don't like the computer game idea. Not real world enough, but there are very few other ways to test how good someone is at managing something as large as a country, except to just, you know, let them get on with it... elect them... and allow them to say they are staying put for the next 5 years so yah boo sucks to you and your oiks objections'

But have you ever noticed how people with one talent, often tend to be good at other things?

So why not choose people that demonstrably have at least one talent. Who knows, perhaps the years of concentration required to be a fire juggler is actually the perfect preparation for being a foreign minister dealing with angry German Creditors. Maybe the unflinching, inhumane cruelty of teaching a poor dog to prance on it's hind legs is exactly the sort of uncaring, emotionless mindset that you would need to decide which areas of a health service need to suffer cutbacks.

The upside for this is the people would still get a vote, and since the traditional way to hold this kind of vote is through premium rate calls and texts, if it proved popular it could save the Greek Economy. If it became a genuine hit the 'Greek Election Weird Talent Show Selection Thing' might become an exportable format, franchised around the globe. Then the Whole world could take part in deciding which 'Singer Who looks more Frumpy than You might be used to seeing', 'Unthreatening Multi Racial Street Dance Group' or 'Pitifully mewling and staring up at it's owner with fear filled eyes just five minutes before coming on stage, Dancing Dog Act'

I'm sorry if you think I'm being flippant, or uncaring about the plight of the Greek population, I'm not... Reality is doing that already... and of course democracy itself, which is, metaphorically, waving it's bare-ass in the face of the Greek Population and laughing... and weeping... and pissing itself...
Best of Luck to all of them.

Opinion. OMG That Awkward Moment when your arrest is announced on Facebook.

So reports are saying Andy Coulson is apparently to be charged with Perjury in connection with what I have been 'legally advised' to call: That Tommy Sheridan 'Muddle'

By now you will be able to read plenty of tweets, blogs and 'proper' reports on the subject. All of these will be by proper journalists/bloggers, very detailed and full of knowledge, opinion and facts and 'stuff'... Stuff I'm genuinely not interested in, or able to provide... If you want that, you know where to look (everywhere)
Anyway, That's my get out. I know nothing about the case, and I can prove it... 

What is interesting to me however, is how this news was first released into the world.

Via the Strathclyde 'Polis' Facebook Page. 

http://www.facebook.com/StrathclydePolice

Yep, that's right. The first whisperings of this were on Facebook, conveniently placed too late to be picked up by the BBC News Headlines.

This is a wonderful development surely?

At last we can 'Like' an arrest. We can blaze a trail of internet pitchforks right to the arresting officers homepage. Maybe we can even say silly things in comments boxes that could prejudice an investigation,  be called 'Contempt of Court' or even get our dumb selves arrested (for what the media wrongly describe as 'Trolling', but which is more accurately described as 'Being a Total Cockwart')

Better still, the Arrestee could comment back. Perhaps a 'Sad face' or: "OMG That Awkward moment when you are woken up by police officers, driven hundreds of miles to Scotland, questioned and then charged with Perjury Allegations LOLZZZ!!!11"

They might even be offered a supportive message from a celebrity... something like "Keep Your Head up"

or "Sorry I couldn't be more Loyal"

They could do a special Instagram of the proceedings, with a special filter so the pictures look like it was in 'The Olden days'... you could even get the officers to dress a bit 'Ashes to Ashes' and go a bit Gene Hunt on you... 

If it took off, Huffpost could have a 'Top Ten Viral Arrest' lists, D-Listers would start to do petty crime in the hope of a few Retweets and shares... the really clever ones would go to 'Famous' Police Stations with good social Media strategies to maximise their network reach. There could be special agents to facilitate this.

It's a Win Win. The celeb gets coverage, the Police look efficient and both could sell targeted adverts... perhaps for emergency legal representation and 'Glasgow to London' Cab Companies.

And best of all someone goes, very publicly, to the stocks and we can all go about out business feeling that little bit happier and smugger and superior and... and just Better.... 

Unless, of course, they're eventually found innocent, upon which the entire internet is charged, as one, with contempt of court, 'Detained' and taken to Govan for questioning...

Bleak Opinion: Outrage Jockeys.

We are used to being outraged by Politicians on twitter.

Some of us are genuinely shocked by it. Some of us expect it. Some savour it. Some actively encourage it. Some actively 'seek out' outrage, where there is none.

I'll let you decide where Nadine Dorries latest 'Outrage Offering' sits.
Just so you know, it was to do with an after party for her appearance on 'Have I got News For You', the preferred forum for picking prospective candidates in the London Mayoral Elections. The other Guest was the Comedian, Reginald D Hunter.

Dorries: I have now left the HIGNFY after party. As I looked over my shoulder, Reginald D Hunter was talking to my daughter.#wheresmyshotgunman


When Challenged she replied:  it was something Reg would laugh at.I suggest you watch the prog and refrain from comment until you have.


So I will. No I actually will. I'll admit my jaw dropped when I read it. But I thought about it and I'll wait and see what the show throws up.
But I don't think it can possibly 'harm' her career in the way that some people seem to be suggesting.

Look at Boris... Look at Ken in fact... even poor Brian Paddick...  I wasn't joking about Have I got News for You being a forum for the major parties to get candidates out to non political audience... and that's major candidates for major parties. Imagine some of the publicity junkies we've got hidden deep within the party machine, waiting to 'reveal' themselves... in the niche parties...

Lets be honest. Of this type, the 'crazies' are the funniest, the ones that spit ludicrous soundbites are the most memorable... Each tedious outrage is just another reinforcement that this or that politician actually carries weight in the public sphere. It's a 'Force Multiplyer'. The exact opposite of a distraction tactic.

So, what will happen?

Maybe the HIGNFY appearance will be a comedic triumph,  and put in context the tweet becomes a 'callback' to a gag in the show, or perhaps an entirely innocent play on words (Shotgun Wedding?). Which means she's pulled a very sophisticated move. Win for Dorries. She is not a racist, she is a 'Wit'

Most likely, nothing happens. The show is unmemorable. Something else occurs, blotting the whole event from the collective conscious. Maybe she'll get such a leathering that it will appear that the Tweet has already been 'punished' by the other members of the panel. The comment may still have no real connection to the show, but it might just 'Blow over'.. it was just a misfired joke.

Worst case for her:  The appearance is a disaster, establishing the Tweet in context as 'malicious', 'bigoted' and 'Racist'.  She is disgraced and shamed... Maybe even sacked, humiliated and reviled. This is what some people are suggesting might actually happen.

Then What?

Later she will be 'remembered'... She'd get another job... maybe as a columnist. She will maintain her blog, and continue to raise her profile. She will keep some support. More than likely she will be elected to something. Probably sooner rather than later. For those of you who think that making a horrifically inappropriate remark on Twitter will lose you all support, I dare you to search the hashtag #Banter on Twitter. Your answer is there.

If anyone could politically survive that, it's her. She appears to be one of those savvy MPs who have embraced social media as a platform and have an innate understanding of the nature of memory. If you can get the public 'interested' in you, in even the most tenuous and bizarre way, you stand far more of a chance than even the most able of 'political minds' in any election held amongst human beings, no matter what your actual beliefs are... You can always raise your profile with one section of the public or other, even if that simply means hammering yourself into them at every opportunity with a divisive opinion... Like your average Daily Mail columnist, she could become a part of the public consciousness mainly by her constant appearance in trends, timelines and online news, being outrageous and being written about.... and each event, positive or negative, making her seem more 'important'

...and here I am at 2:00 am, Writing about her...
Bleak.

Opinion: Dr God... Would he need to Advertise?

What would you say if three MPs from the three major parties wrote a letter to the Advertising Standards Agency saying that they demanded that the allow the advertising of 'Magic Spells' as a working, healing practice...

Well... You'd probably laugh loudly and disbelieve the notion...

Ok... What if they went on to demand that if the ASA couldn't come up with 'scientific evidence' that 'Magic Spells' do not work they would go to parliament about it.

You'd probably be twirling your fingers by your ears at this point, in a juvenile gesture that implies a mental issue. (But obviously in a vaguely ironic, Ricky Gervais fashion, whereby you are clearly not satirizing any specific condition)

Ok... What if those demanding, accepted that it didn't work 'all the time', but didn't seem to think that was a problem, and cited their own, utterly unverified experience as proof that 'Magic Spells' actually work.

By now you'd probably be wishing I'd shut up about it...

Ok, what if I told you these 'spells' were being uttered in the direction of a God... Most likely the Christian-lite deity of the Church of England

Well, the penny would drop, you'd immediately understand and you might even be moved to joyous applause at what a clever textual device I just used.

Yes, three honest-to-goodness REAL MPs, obviously with VERY little to do (I mean, we've only got NHS reform going on... Oh, and a budget... And Cash for Cameron.. And Leveson... And a Global Economic crisis... And Constitutional issues in Scotland... And... Oh... You get the point) are actually mounting the campaign detailed above, albeit without the 'hilarious' satirical diversions.

Anyway, these (alleged) 'Utter Fruitloops' are asking the ASA to change the guidelines so 'anyone' can legally shill God as a Healer...
They want it to be legally able to put out an advert saying: 'Prayer can cure your hidesously Prolapsed Rectum'... Or some such thing...

Ok... First. If you believe in God, you believe he can heal... No big shakes for a 'First Cause' of everything. Maybe he also has little to do and will drop everything to Treat your athlete's foot if you're too busy to go to a chemist... Maybe.

That said, does 'God' really need to be able to advertise? He is pretty well known around the world, despite the best efforts of the likes of Dawkins, the Late Christopher Hitchens and all that 'Science'. Seems open and shut to me. If he does exist, then all creation already serves as an advertisement. Surely to do more is at best 'gilding the lily'

Also, who are you to advertise on his behalf? Maybe he's got enough on his plate without you whoring his service to every dumbass with a cold. After all, in that world-view, he put all the illness there in the first place, presumably as part of his 'great plan' are you really that confident that you'd argue that he should 'heal' something he's obviously gone to great lengths to set in motion.

So... Bit presumptuous there for a start.

Now I'm an atheist, so maybe I don't understand all the arguments here. That said I would never want to insult a theoretical super-being by being a condescending fusspot who wants to 'stand up' for them like they were a poorly puppy at a rescue centre. This is supposed to be GOD. If he wants the ASA to lift this regulation, I'm sure he'd find away... If not something Old testament and grandiose, I'm sure he could at least influence the ASA directly... Why use try-hard MPs as a go-between, especially if they don't even have the faith to believe that God can 'get things done' on His own...

Perhaps they are just trying to piggy-back on the recent anti-secularism movement for their own ends, hence my decision not to name them (5 seconds on Google should do it)... If this were to be the case, I'm sure their God will see through such a shabby trick and punish them accordingly...

Speaking of 'Shabby Tricks' how about using unverified anecdotes for your point... I.e: my hand got magically healed... But asking for a full scientific investigation from your opponent? Pretty good that, particularly since the Church itself is loath to put religious ideas to the test under laboratory conditions. This is for the simple reason that it tends to put on rather a poor show. No. A wise person of faith accepts that they should let the world of science and faith remain separate, as the Kingdoms maintain, at best, an uneasy peace.

So how could the ASA prove that prayer doesn't heal... Particularly in light of the earlier caveat that it isn't always effective? Well, 'proving a negative' is difficult to the point of near impossibility... Oh and it's utterly unscientific as well... The correct way round to word that request is: prove that prayer does work...

Oh and you would need to keep that prayer a secret from the subject in order to rule out the Placebo effect making an appearance. (The most startling thing in medicine in my mind, a regular, earthbound and measurable scientific miracle... And one that is actually getting more effective as we continue to evolve)

So... To those MPs: if you submit 'Prayer' to the same process as medical drugs go through before they can be 'advertised'... And they pass the double blind trials at a rate that betters Placebo, then we can talk about your request.

Or... A quicker way to prove to me the 'Truth' behind the effectiveness of prayer is this:
Pray for me to convert.
If there is a God, should be simple enough to do... And I will immediately denounce this post as heresy...

Of course if I remain an atheist I will assume that prayer doesn't actually work and we can all go on with our lives.

Opinion: Cash for Cameron punctures the Teflon Knight like a scraping knife on a non-stick pan.

Remember what I said about The 'Teflon Knight' just a couple of blogs ago? It was in the hideously sexualised 'Budget' review that gave me the most amusing 'search terms' report I've had so far?
(based on some of them, I'm pretty sure the readers who found it on Google were disappointed that it wasn't a piece of parliamentary, watersports-based 'slash fiction'... Surely a growth area in literature...)

Anyway, throwing bizarre sexual imagery aside, I made a dig about the 'non-stick' boss of the Cons, missing out on the derision that was heaped on 'Poor George O'... Well looks like someone has incinerated some sausages in Cameron's pans and tried to scrape them off with an angle grinder.

Putting Teflon metaphors aside, it seems the bad publicity has finally hit the top. #CashforCameron has been trending all night, well since the Sunday Times released the footage of the Hugely rich treasurer of the Conservative party offering access to the PM to undercover Reporters under the mistaken assumption that they too were massively rich, and able to pay £250,000 for the 'pleasure'

Of course it isn't only that... I mean, if you have that much money to waste on a meeting, Cameron might well know you socially and forego any charge for a sit down, a chat, and a sip of peasant's tears. What seemed to be on offer for that fee was actual 'influence'... This meeting would be 'amazing' for your business and put you in the 'premier league' of Tory donors... Truly the dullest 'league' of any kind in the History of everything ever...

The Treasurer responsible, well, Co-treasurer... It's important to be accurate with such things... Apparently. Is Peter Cruddas... A name which may have invited such juvenile bullying he would have had to become the local thug to survive. Luckily for the world he was insulated from this fate by him 'not growing up where I did' and becoming a boy scout, which he says 'Gave him the discipline to suceed'

Now, here is the problem with any Media Strategy involving this fine gentleman. He is rich. Very rich. In fact he was the richest man in the 'city of London' so... Toppest of the top bankers... Shrewdest of the shrewd customers...

How do you make him into a patsy? I mean the footage shrieks 'Bang to rights' so you can't blame the journalists. He is intelligent and ultra successful, so 'conventional corruption' will be hard to pin on him, and he's clearly not simply thick... And he's so much 'their type' that he wouldn't be stitching them up for reasons of ideology...

So... It's top down... It came from the Boss... And it seems he knows it. His tetchy soundbite to the BBC looked like the actions of a guilty child caught stealing biscuits and blaming the babysitter for spying... Sadly the BBC, who I love with a passion have towed an odd party line, reporting the PMs anger at Cruddas as the story, avoiding the 'dodgy donor' aspect... Well... They have the license fee to think about don't they... *shakes head in tormented sadness*

Luckily the Sunday Times have been excellent on this, proving the value of true public interest journalism... This 'scoop' exemplifies everything great about the profession... Sadly though it may be Cameron's main 'Get Out' weapon... And it's been handed to him by some commentators on the left... (The right are all crowing about the fact that this happened while the Guardian were serving ice cream on their open weekend)

The narrative goes like: this is Murdoch's 'revenge' for Cameron turning his back on Newscorp.
Now aside from the insult to the reporters, this also mildly excuses those involved.
If this becomes a battle of two 'Baddies' nobody is expected to behave any better. Maybe this story would have been diminished slightly in times gone by (Even in the most psychotically pro-Cameron newsroon, I doubt that anyone would spike such an important story, and if they did, it would immediately have been leaked by the Journos who had put in such sterling work)

It isn't nasty Mr Murdoch throwing mud back at the Nasty ol' Tories. It's undercover reporters being offered influential access to our elected Prime Minister for cash money... And maybe sacrificing and smearing the 'message-boy' won't be enough this time...

So hats off to the Sunday Times, and hopefully this is the answer to all those Tabloids who dare to use a 'Public Interest' excuse to run nonsense hacked from a D-listers phone.

And for Cameron... I am very interested to see how you deal with this one... If the list of Cruddas appointments includes many 'Private Healthcare' companies you could well be in for a rough ride for a while... But remember, if the deal was 'access to David Cameron' then the buck must stop at David Cameron.

And for Ed... Get your house in order and Publish it... Because if you have any skeletons knocking about, vultures will be circling now for the tiniest morsel... If your knickers aren't clean, be ready for them to be waved in the country's face...

And Clegg... Well do whatever you want. Nobody cares any more.

Opinion: Could the 'Mayor Factor' Finally unite Right and Left?

I don't live in London.
Where I live, we have a Mayor. He is a fairly lumpy looking man, ruddy faced and 'Tory-looking' (in a friendly, rural sort of way)

You probably wouldn't know his name. I would probably spell it wrong anyway, even though I've met him... But he gets his job done, is approachable and understanding in the way that our local MP isn't. A political journeyman.

So... What terrible sin has London committed, that instead of a quiet and humble 'servant of the people' it has a tendency to attract candidates with a near-psychotic instinct to self aggrandise?

Ok... It's obvious who I'm referring to here, but lets look at the other candidates. Two Racists and a Green. I apologise to the 'Green' for putting her in such company, but as far as winning goes, they are fairly comparable. Sorry. Fact. Sadly, caring for our planet seems to be pretty much a 'niche' political objective.

For the Lib Dems, Brian Paddick. Now, aside from the fact that he is a Lib Dem, and thus unlikely to be elected to anything more important than 'token Lib Dem Voice' since their NHS betrayal, he also seems to suffer from that most evil of political maladies: dignity Blindness.
I salute him for being an openly homosexual police officer who has risen to such a powerful position. I salute him for managing to remain a Lib Dem throughout the coalition without tearing his own head off with his bare hands and rugby punting it into orbit.
But.
And it's a 'Big But': Nobody wants to have seen their Mayor on I'm a Celebrity chewing through whatever hacked off animal part they fed him... And this is the London Problem... The problem that is most apparent when you come to the only candidates with a realistic shot at the job...

Confession time. I like Boris and I Like Ken. Both of them. Both are very amusing men, and would be an amazing double act if they were given rival teams on one of those ubiquitous panel shows that the BBC put out in place of expensive scripted comedy these days.

When I lived in London I genuinely applied to be Boris Johnston's speech writer, when he was shadow Higher Education secretary. One of the questions was, and this is utterly true incidentally, 'write about a Trip on a spaceship'. I would have been good at that job. I hope he read my submission.

But despite this, neither of these men should be taking on this difficult job. Both have too much political baggage, trading on facial recognition alone. Also neither of them seem to have any control over their oratory functions. For both men to actually deserve the description 'gaffe-prone' speaks volumes about them.

And no, I'm not falling for that Genial Buffoon act Boris does, or the laid back Lefty Uncle who might have once met Joe Strummer bit from Ken. They are career politicians. And they have teams of diamond hard advisors around them, no doubt taking care of much of the actual shovel work.

I think that's my main objection. It's like electing a figurehead, not a Mayor. The man with most name recognition wins. Under this logic you could get David Walliams vs John Bishop. Both comedy/sporting/nearly-killing-themselves-for-charity heroes. Who would go on which 'team'? It doesn't matter, they would have as much real input as Nick Clegg has on anything.

Yes yes, we get the political team, but why have the figurehead in the first place? Surely both sides can put up candidates with some political weight, but who you could also leave alone with a reporter without them saying something that could spark an international incident.

That said, this competition has been funny. Watching commentators from both sides going through the motions of trying to 'photoshop' all the ludicrousness from their boy whilst calling out their opposites for doing the same.

All I've seen on Twitter for months is: Boris said this so we should back Ken (From the left) Well Ken stands for this so we should back Boris (From the Right) blah blah blee blah using official Twitter to campaign' blah blah 'He's an anti semite, honest' blah blah 'dodgy tax' (For both men) blah blah etc etc ad infinitum.

The 'debate' is as predictable as a metronome and has all the political insight of 'Beliebers' Vs 'Directioners', although at least those two can agree on some things, like perhaps that 'The sky is blue' whereas if one of our mayoral candidates stated this, his opposites would start briefing that it was actually Red that day, and he is a Racist for noticing the colour in the first place and anyway, when their candidate wins the sky will be Gold with falling riches...

The upshot of turning the Capital's 'Important Political Decision' into a personality battle, 'The Mayor Factor' is that it lends an air of shrill desperation to the campaign. A lack of 'real' belief. A Simon Cowell-esque cynicism.
Perhaps it's is time for both sides to sit down, as one, and raise the howl that must be locked in all of their hearts as they trot out the stale and unconvincing arguments for their candidate...
A piercing shriek rises from both left and right.
"Fuck me... Do we both not deserve better candidates than this!"

Opinion: How did George O end up in the Pissy mud outside the tent?

Poor poor poor poor George O.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd type.... Or read... but there it sits, atop this Blog... and to be clear, I do NOT mean financially, despite him asserting that he is not in the 50p tax bracket... (A creative accountant perhaps, or maybe he gets paid entirely in 'credit' for various 'night-time entrepreneurs'... Maybe he works for the love of the country)

No, somehow our George O has gone from being the man 'inside the tent', directing his urine stream out (and straight into the staring, bovine faces of the various 'plebs' and 'oiks' that he sees making the unpalatable majority of the UK) to a spluttering blinking mess at the centre of some horrific, urine-based, bukkake-circle made up of seemingly, the entire press pack, left and right...

He has been lambasted by everyone this morning, and various permutations of 'Granny Tax' have been trending all night in response to his 2012 budget. The amazing budget that pleased precisely nobody. (I am excusing business's from this, as they aren't real people... No matter how much they, or the law, pretends they are... I'm also excluding any business leader who supports this budget, for pretty much the same reason)

How has that happened? How has it been allowed to happen. A Conservative who values his career doesn't allow himself to be the 'front cover donkey' for both the Sun and the Mail...

So... Poor Poor George.
(Unless of course he really does like S&M, in which case this is the ultimate humiliation, something a true aficionado might spend a fortune on, and could only be improved in the front page had featured him dressed as a baby girl, with frilly nappy and dummy in mouth... Sorry, no mind bleach available for that image... It is yours... Enjoy)

So where is his boss in this?

Laughing probably. He is currently the Teflon Knight. Student fees? Clegg took that grenade. NHS? Wheel out the tattered remains of Clegg for the major offensive, then mop up any spare salvos with Lansley and poor ol' Shirley Williams...

So... George... Do you see a pattern? Who are the silvertops going to lynch? It won't be D-Cam... He's hiding behind the curtain, Oz the great and powerful style. You're the one appearing in caricature on all the front pages, looking furtive and sneaky, with one hand in a pensioners pocket.

And don't forget, some of them learned to shoot weapons in a 'massive-fuck-off-war' (excuse the technical term there)

Maybe George should get some insurance in place for any briefings that are being prepared as we speak... Do governments ever use the 'One rogue MP.' excuse? Either way... George... Get some damaging leaks on others out there... Go on... If you're in the game, play it dirty... You'll look good with bloodied knuckles... Maybe that Risk Register? I'll give you my email address if you like...

Incidentally, I KNOW this has very little about the budget in it. People who know more are speculating enough. Let them do the 'projected' (read: imaginary and wildly open to interpretation) numbers...

I also know that the Sun and the Mail are taking 'point' on this one...
Fair play... Still don't like them... Or any newspaper.
enemy's enemy ain't no friend of me...

Opinion: Not a Supporter of NHS Reforms? You MUST want to Kiss Trotsky on His Dead Mouth.

Who wants to be a Trotskyist, or a Trotskyite... Or whatever you call anyone who follows the example of Lev Davidovich Bronshtein?

Nobody?

What.. none of you?

Well... Chances are, if you have any critical words to say about Andrew 'Benny Hill' Lansley's NHS Reforms then you are a Trotskyismer... Or a 'Trot' as is the preferred dismissive terminology.

Ok... Well let's look at Mr Trotsky. He was a Marxist, He was a founder and Commander of the Red Army, He opposed Stalin's pact with Hitler and was subsequently assassinated by him in 1940, having been expelled from the Communist party and Exiled.

He dies 6 years before the establishment of our NHS. As far as I can see he makes no comment on it... or on anything of it's kind. No 'Trotskyism' appears to be more concerned with the act of revolution, and the establishment of a 'Working Class' led society. It is about Means of production, land ownership and all that exciting 'Commie' stuff. No mention of a provision of Universal Healthcare.

Would he have approved?

Maybe.. Maybe not... He probably wouldn't have liked our system, based as it is on a centralised power structure, with an 'Elite' sitting atop it, making the decisions. No he probably would have preferred the decision making to be deferred to more localised 'Cells'... Or not.. I mean.. The guy's been dead for more than 60 Years... He never saw a health service in action...

Why should he have had any opinion on it at all?

Ok.. Confession time. I didn't know any of this. I looked it up. I didn't know much about Trotsky before a few days ago, having been called a Troskyist/ite/ismer by someone for daring to say that Lansley looked like a fool running around a hospital, being heckled and then releasing the 4 most Staged looking pictures you'll see this side of a North Korean Dictator's Funeral.

Being that my only real understanding of 'Marxism' was from a literary criticism standpoint (Thanks Manchester Met Uni) I decided to look up what this 'Insult' meant in the context of the NHS. And what did I find?

It means nothing.. It's meaningless... A way of Screaming 'LEFTY' at any criticism and thus shutting it down:
"If you don't 100% support Lansley you are a Lefty Marxist, who probably looks and thinks like Rik from 'The Young Ones' and wants to find Trotsky's grave, disinter him at midnight and French Kiss his dead mouth and maybe feel his Bottom... No.. Probably feel his Bottom.. No Definitely"

Aside from being a 'Non-Debate' this is also less and less plausible... It's not just 'Lefties' who are starting to grumble about this... and it's not just 'Lefties' who are concerned with the way this is being bludgeoned through with very little support, and it's not just 'Lefties' who think that a bill with so many amendments is clearly unfit for purpose.

So.. a rethink is in order... and maybe actually 'listening' to people with opposing viewpoints instead of just plucking a historical figure from Marxism and applying his name to them.

If you don't do that and in fact you just want to forge ahead with your own ideas based on a series of shadowy consultations and staged/managed meetings... well.. In that case I'd say that you definitely Love Stalin... In fact you probably want to kiss him right on his dead mouth.... and probably feel his Bottom.
No.. Definitely...


(Ps.. Thanks to any of the people I've linked to... I don't really know the etiquette here.. but if you want any links removed, let me know... Oh.. and any Rabid Trotskyismerationers who know more about him, and disagree with my Wiki-Lite Research, let me know and I will correct where appropriate... Isn't Democracy lovely?)

Opinion: Go #TeamBozier!

Last night, the E-campaign chap for the Labour party became the 'Ex' E-Campaign chap for the Labour party with the view that he will probably be switching to the Conservative Party... although I'm sure he'll be angling to something that swings a bit more weight than 'E-Campaign' chap...

I heard about this on Twitter, which is unsurprising as it's how I get most of my news. What was surprising was that, for some time it existed ONLY on Twitter. The announcement was on Twitter, the reaction was on Twitter, and when news and Bloggers started to report it, the crux of the story was the Response on Twitter. If you weren't on Twitter last night, it Literally hadn't happened.

Now, whether you agree with his principals in question, you have to accept that he was correct to follow them to the party that he feels best represents them... That's a good thing. In fact, it's kind of what democracy is... It's best for everyone, Conservatives have a convert and Labour lose someone who doesn't really believe in the parties direction and probably wouldn't be putting their heart into the job. Maybe both parties would be better if they got rid of a few 'career coasters'.

Despite this fairly simple story, Twitter went alight. Ludicrous Pitchforks from some of the 'Left' outstanding exaggeration from some on the 'Right'. He was either Utterly non-existant, or the final pin holding Ed Miliband's leadership together, depending on who you read. It didn't help that the first 'Article' on the subject (In something called 'Kernel') looked exactly like a spoof, possibly written by Charlie Brooker...

I spent some fun hours equating the hype to the teenage tribalism that overcomes Twitter nearly every day. #TeamBieber or #LittleMonsters or whatever. Political debate turms into mere 'Name Trending' and the side that gets the most Retweets can declare themselves the arbitrary winner and go to bed happy.

I don't know what fallout this will have, maybe none, maybe lots. Suffice to say there is really no political dimension to the story at all. He was a Labour chap who frequently had to dismiss claims he really wasn't, and then decided he really, REALLY wasn't... On Twitter.

It was Twitter itself that lifted this decision onto the News Platter, subsequently turning him into one of those magnets for that glorious Twitter venting that is oh-so-satisfying...

There are rumours that all of this is a publicity ruse to assist in gaining publicity for a business he's starting up. If so, good for him... He's played the system well. He knew exactly what to say, and when to say it... (Sunday night... If he'd started it today it would have beenburied in Leveson and Yacht talk amongst others).

Really everybody wins here.
Conservatives get a convert, who looks the part (i.e. Like a guy from the Apprentice) and knows how to work the system.

Labour have lost someone who doesn't really agree with them anyway and who looked custom designed to irk the Left.

The public have had a chance to get all worked up and frothy (on both sides of the political sphere), despite there being very little to actually say on the matter. Jokes have been made, exaggerations exchanged, challeneges of 'who cares the least/most' even some (Less amusing) 'Threats' flew from side to side.

It's a catharsis, like a mini election with no outcome, allowing Twitter folks (Like me) to feel they are participating in politics without really having to do fuck all.

... And Luke Bozier? Well whatever happens he will come out of this more important and better known than he went in...

David Cameron... Movie Mogul.

David Cameron has today revealed another impressive bow to his string. Not only is he a 'Visionary Leader' (tm) Steering our country through 'Tough times' (tm) left 'by the previous Labour Government' (T-Fucking-M). No... He is also a genius of the film industry.

Well I never.

Ok... I'm about to do a hideous simplification here, but what do you expect from a blog? Rigorously researched unbiased reportage? If so, go to the science/skeptic blogs. This is a political/opinion blog and since I recently decribed Ed Miliband as moving like: 'Two Octopus's wrestling in a man suit' I think D-Cam is fair game for some ribbing.

His tip for the British film industry seems to be: Try to make more Mainstream, successful films.

Genius eh? Nobody ever thought of that did they. Who knows what other, life changing ideas may follow?
England's football success? Score more and Better Goals!
The problems of Industry? Make better products, faster and cheaper!
See... This politics lark is simple.

Perhaps most amusing to me is the film that has been used to illustrate the point: The King's Speech. Basically it follows the 'classic' structure for a 'Sports Movie', except with speech impediments to overcome rather than a big game to win (and thus save the community centre from the evil developer who wants to knock it down and etc etc etc)

Now... On paper NOBODY on the planet would have that pegged for the British Success story of the year. No. If you were looking at easy Mainstream Success you'd threaten Hugh Grant with the tower if he refused to be in 4 weddings part 2 (4 weddings, a funeral, a hacking inquiry and a terrified new-mother perhaps?)

Speaking as an artist. (Which means speaking a bit like a twat, which I also am) You always angle for some kind of 'popular acceptance'. I compose electronic music, I accept it has a fairly niche appeal. (you can listen by clicking the buttons somewhere on this blog. Go on... Be the first)

That isn't how I conceive it. Every album or track I've produced I've fully wished (if not entirely expected) to set the commercial world alight, to win 'nuff awards and see me set up with lucrative advertising contracts for life. It has yet to happen, but that isn't because I'm ruthlessly avoiding the mainstream or the commercial. It's just because I don't fit that ever changing picture. I probably never will. I'm not a good enough composer.

There is no formula for mainstream success, and that goes double for cinema. Look at Heaven's Gate. That had Oscar winners, Epic scope and a huge publicity machine. It sunk an entire studio.
Conversely, look at Shallow Grave, or Reservoir Dogs. Essentially little more than (Admittedly beautiful) one set, Movie-Plays both changed the cinema landscape forever and brought us maverick talents on small budgets, and with no nod to the 'Fashion' of the time.

Then again, maybe David C DOES have a secret formula. Somehow I doubt it. If he did, Hollywood would have 'done a Kim Jong Il and had him kidnapped to LA, where he would be forced to make massively successful movies forever, thus becoming the most powerful and wealthy man who ever lived for taking the gamble out of what is famously the most risky of industries...

Or maybe it was just a soundbite to connect him in voters minds with The Kings Speech, a genuine British Success story and something to be very proud of.

Specially since they were asked to do a less-sweary version and answered with a Great British: Fuck Off!