Opinion: 2 Messy Break-ups at once...surely David Cameron is the unluckiest man who ever lived..

Now that the Olympics are well and truly over and the dust has settled, it's time to take a chilled, dispassionate look at all the winners and Losers... and for once it is utterly clear on this occasion who is who...

There’s something strangely perverse about feeling sorry for David Cameron. Never has a man appeared to be so designed for high office… presumably from conception onwards he was supposed to be 'the boss'... In fact this may have been one of the few occasions that the subject came up during the conception.
"I tell you what dear, if I hit the target with this little blighter, I'm sure our boy... and it will be a boy... will one day use his thoroughbred Genetics and inherited wealth to hold a fractional lead in a messy coalition Government"

Given that, my feeling pity for him must be roughly akin to a levied peasant in Egypt worrying about how the Sun God Ra is getting on with the other Gods.
But I do feel sorry for him. In fact I think he is currently the unluckiest man in the world...

... and here's why;

The Olympics, and lack of  political news have highlighted the fact that D-Cam appears to be going through all the trappings of a very messy break up… except in this case, he's in the impossible position of handling two ex’s at once. Two... and I can tell you that is the most unenviable position in the world.
Making it worse, neither are particularly subtle.. in fact, although very different, both are equally troublesome, publicity happy and keen to tell all of Dave's mates how he was "crap in bed and was scared to pathetic blubbing by the (utterly dreadful) Paranormal Activity films"

Well... Metaphorically speaking of course...

Nick Clegg has taken the route of the 'mopey fantasist' Ex... My personal favourite… He’s wailing about how it was 'That Bastard' who broke the rules of the relationship: "The bastard… *sniff* the utter utter bastard... but, we have to stay together for the children and... *sob*... and I still love him and you know… maybe If I lose that extra pound and *sniff* have my hair done he’ll still want me back… we can still make this partnership work... I know we can... *Massive theatrical breakdown*"

You can imagine Nick starting off the evening by getting ready to go out, putting on new shoes, spending a lot of his time making the new 'break up hair do' look ‘just so’, all whilst listening to inspiring power ballads.

But you can also imagine him ending that same evening having not gone anywhere. Eye make up running down the cheeks, looking at reception pictures of him and Dave in the ‘Rose Garden’ in happier days and instead of ‘I will survive’ he’s snivelling along to ‘The Winner Takes it all’ using an empty gin bottle as a microphone… But on the news.To the whole nation.

And then there’s Boris… The 'Other Ex'

He of course has gone completely the opposite way: genuine confidence, looking great, his new hairdo has worked a treat, and now the serious business of flirting with all of Dave’s old mates can begin.
Now when both of them turn up at the same party, like say, the Olympics, it's the Glamorous Bojo the crowd are all waiting for… nobody looks over at Dave at all, except with shifty, suspicious, sideways glances... and when Bojo finally silks in, all glittering smile and lush barnet, all the heads turn... even Dave's as he is briefly distracted from standing in the corner, trying to appear casual... and as if he still totally belongs there, whilst putting on his best 'Not at all bothered over here' face...

But all the onlookers know what he’s really doing there… You can imagine the conversation going something like:
Wealthy Tory Donor 1: "Oh god HE’s here.."
Wealthy Tory Donor 2: "Well I didn't invite him"
WTD1: "Nobody does these days.. I tell you he better not come over all jealous and make a scene..."
WTD2: "I know... he shows up everywhere... like a stalker..."
WTD1: "Well... I'm not standng for it... Look, if he even looks like he's going over there.. yeah... you just get between them… I reckon I’m going to go for the first dance tonight"

This is Boris being wooed by the city… (apparently)… the form this 'wooing' might take I dread to think. With our BoJo it could be almost anything. The upshot remains the same: some powerful people seem very keen that Boris should be the next Tory candidate to be Prime Minister.

How do we know this, well probably because a completely different group of powerful people have engineered a leak to make it look like the first group of powerful people want him in.. either way at least one group of powerful people genuinely think that their best interests are served with the Ex…
Poor D-Cam knows this… and even as he tries to show himself off at public events, being all 'over the relationship' and 'well casual' and 'proper virile'… he's still got that other ex in the background, snivelling: "No No No... We're together... you need me… we can be back how it was… the Coalition cannot fail..."

...and if you can't feel sorry for that predicament... well... you are either made of stone... or you're one of those ex's mentioned above... and if you are... and you're actually reading this... the message is simple:
"You go girlfriend..."

Opinion: David Cameron... Not really a Lizard.. It was a trick!

Yesterday Nicola Adams made History by being the first British Olympic Boxing Champion in the Women's event.

It was an amazing display of athleticism and will. She is a sporting Legend

Everybody watched it. Everybody enjoyed.

David Cameron was watching it. He tweeted a picture on the official Number 10 Feed.

Bless him. Even if it wasn't staged... Well... It definitely looked that way... and it was. I mean... Did he set it on a Timer and prop it up behind the kettle? Nope.

Photoshop/Visual Humour  GOD Beau B'Dor  kicked it off. I won't put his here. Suffice to say they are amazing.... and they would make mine look the amateur hour quick and dirties they are... 

But, I thought, This could be fun. So... Presented below are my contributions to this fledgling meme:

 Dunno what the fuss is about... he looks totally natural here...

David Cameron watching something to remind him of happier times..

Come on.. That Picture was BEGGING for it... I mean... Look at it.

Now... I don't think Cameron is literally a Lizard man... That is far too tin foil hat, even for me... But Come on... it looks funny... he looks like a Lizard. Like in V... or in David Icke's head... so it went down ok, and yeah... a few people passed it around. I got R.T's and even a few utterly uncredited prints of it on 'News Blogs'...  Hence I record it here, under my name.... It's a joke... a silly joke.

But The picture below that. David Cameron watching Boris Floundering in a River... Well that one didn't go down as well.. in fact it sank with no trace... Pity really, because with the time he's having with Boris recently... well, I imagine he would greatly enjoy watching the great White-Maned Woolly Wonder bobbing off down a river... smiling at the thought that, this time, he might finally be gone forever...

Opinion: Boris... Just Boris

Boris Johnson is a phenomena.

Yesterday he was being touted by the Telegraph as a strong candidate to Usurp David Cameron before the 2015 Election, having wooed party Donors his way with a 'Strong Pro Business' stance.

Did I say strong? I meant utterly frenzied, even going to the utterly 'Balls Out crazy' move of inviting Rupert Murdoch to be his personal guest at the Olympics... 

To appreciate just how 'Strong' a 'Pro Business' gesture this is, just remember, A) This Billionaire Mogul isn't exactly at his most popular at the moment and B) Boris is responsible for the Met Police, who are currently in the middle of investigating News Corp (amongst others) over various things, and are themselves under pressure, having been accused of complicity in some of the things they are now investigating...

So... Yesterday he seemed unstoppable. The city had their boy, willing to perform a very very PDA with one of the most divisive figures in U.K business, they were misty-eyeing at him like the nerdy library kid gawping the pretty girl who wouldn't speak to him*... potentially it was just a matter of getting the public to fall for him in the same way...

Today...
Well Today... This:

Now some people are writing off his chances. Guffawing at him...
'Oh look at the Silly Dangling Man'
'He can never win... Look at him... He is a Silly... a Silly...'

Be warned though, don't write him off... This is Meat and Gravy to this man...
Don't forget he was swept to victory as Mayor of London on a Platform of: 'Being Quite Funny on Panel Shows' and being 'Less Sickeningly Odious than Ken Livingstone'
Now you may not think that is an adequate enough skillset to lead a country... and you'd be correct...
But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen...

Even Cameron was forced to admit it: "If any other politician got stuck on a zipwire it would be disastrous. With Boris it's a triumph."


...and I imagine that quote was uttered through teeth so gritted that the merest agitation would have caused them to shatter into microscopic fragments. Whilst it is true that Duncan praised Macbeth before the regicide, it is slightly more unusual for him to cheer him on between stabbings.

Before the Mayoral Election I begged London to not vote for him. I obviously didn't have as much influence as I hoped... I should also note that I begged them to avoid voting for Livingstone, but it would be a bit suspect to call what happened a win for me...

I feel there is a genuinely worrying trend to put personality before ability in politics these days. Tories will lay the blame at the feet of Tony Blair, Labour will claim that Thatcher did it first, (Like so many of the 'Things Tony Did')... The Lib Dems... well they'll say.. something... probably something that sits between the two and means nothing...

Could the Country do this on a larger scale? Would they gamble the future of our nation on a man who most closely resembles Wurzel Gummage before he became an enchanted scarecrow?

Well... People like Boris... He is a surprisingly good public speaker for someone who has a default setting of 'Incoherent'. He knows how to get a crowd going, witness his 60,00 person bitchslap of Mittens Romney... and he can laugh at himself, evinced by his sterling buffoonery/recovery whilst hanging over his city like something from a rejected line of Bullingdon christmas decorations...

Will they vote for him?

Of course.. they voted for him in London... and he is clever.. he is one of the few to take an important lesson from American Politics, the 'Dubya' lesson that nobody else has ever been brave enough to utilise: In times of crisis, people tend to have more trust in those who they feel are less intelligent than themselves.

Of course, anyone who thinks this about Boris, but doesn't happen to work at CERN, is utterly wrong. He is highly educated, strategic and has cultivated this persona for years... and besides, he has advisors for any of the really hard stuff... by any measure he is more intelligent than most. But the perception is unthreatening: How could he possibly be tricking us? He'd forget and blurt out any nefarious plans before tripping over and grabbing the breasts of a female assistant in a 'hilarious carry-on' Manner...

So, he has the vote of the 'Banter' brigade... even if anyone who uses that word in the positive is arguably so witless as to not deserve oxygen, let alone any deciding power over the future of our country.

... and The 'Average Tory' voter?
Well... he does poll well amongst the rank and file. He is seen as being more Tory than the Neo-Blair Conservatism of Cameron... and besides.. Cameron is just that bit too shiny and airbrushed (Both in real life and in campaign literature)... He's a middle manager... lift muzak... the human equivalent of an Ikea shelving unit... perfectly functional and well designed, but nothing too exciting...

Boris on the other hand is a Rocket Powered Union jack painted Grandfather Clock, almost a caricature of 'Dribblingly Insane Ruling Class'. Where Cameron wouldn't follow a 'Conservative' idea out of the door if Public Opinion was raining too heavily, Boris... Well Boris would throw himself straight out of the window... and with his luck he'd land squarely on his feet, the idea in his hand and a rose in his teeth... and Public opinion... well it would Laud him... because he's Boris... and that's just what he does...

...and Labour... what can they do?

Well. They can only hope that the Public fall out of love with him... because, with the ammo they're currently packing, they aren't going to win the battle of personalities any time soon... and any attempt to ridicule Boris or conventional attempt knock him off his pedestal will only increase his 'Clown-Shoe' Cache.

So what do they have left?
They need to find their own Lovable chap who doesn't take himself too seriously, who can raise a crowd into a US style woop and who doesn't mind cultivating a ridiculous persona, whilst using it to cloak a genuinely astute political brain...

... to me that sounds like only one other Political Figure...

So... who else is up for Bojo Vs Prezza in 2015?

(*Yeah... I mean me here... Obviously)

Opinion: Mili-Bandwagon Blues

Picture the scene.
You have to travel somewhere.
The trek may be difficult, but it is possible.
You come to a station, there are two choices of transport.

Would you go for:
1) 'The beautiful people of your Gender preference who just happen to have no sexual inhibitions and pockets full of cash and non-fattening chocolate... oh and there are Unicorns as well, and REAL transformers... and your very favourite food and drinks are provided and Kurt Cobain and John Lennon are alive and Jamming with Keith Moon and Jimmy Hendrix on the back seat' Bus Company?

or

2) 'The Seats are made of vinegar and barbed wire, and drills and things, oh and they're all rusty, the driver is a blind lunatic with chronic spasm syndrome and every five minutes a concentrated stream of sewage is jetted into your eyes, ears, nose and mouth, at least until we plunge off a cliff and into a slowly closing scrap-crusher' Bus Company?

 Seems obvious doesn't it?

Ok, now imagine you're Ed Miliband...
 Right, now after you've come back to your senses and towelled off the horror sweat I'll explain.

Today Ed had a choice of two bandwagons.

The first was rolling along nicely. PM D-Cam had condemned Jimmy Carr's legal tax avoidance strategy, but ignored the Gary Barlow (And God Knows how many others, and since he never existed he isn't telling) Open net there surely? It's an uncomfortable one for Cameron, tax avoidance/evasion. I mean, I bet with some digging plenty of donors and pals of the PM could be implicated in this sort of scheme, if not the PM himself. Combine that with the perceived 'Singling out' by the PM of Carr, which probably has nothing to do with his jokes... But could look like it does.

So does Ed come out swinging on this today? Does he leap on this rocket powered, chrome plated, bandwagon and ride it straight down D-Cam's throat, through his insides and out to electoral glory, shaming all tax avoiders into paying up, saving the U.K economy and perhaps causing England to win 'That Football' and saving us from hostile aliens who like Fruit Pastels with the face of Jimmy Saville?

Well... No.

 Instead, he decided to drag a Bandwagon out of a sewer. Nobody is using it at the moment. And the wheels are broken. And the seats are all Razor blades.

This Bandwagon is called. 'Migrants dun it' and for some reason this is the one he decided to ride today, and instead of going down D-Cams throat he went straight up Nick Griffen's flabby, racist arse...

What?
Don't you want to win Ed?

Lots of people are working hard on your side and this is how you thank them? Not to mention the Government themselves, who appear to be doing the best to get you in... Maybe it's a Bullingdon bet or something... A forfeit for not getting your round of Prozzies in after the Swan's blood.

Look at Twitter Ed, look at the Tories now revelling in their chance to look 'Not Racist'... See how many loyal Labourites are trying to contextualise your words, not only to make you appear less like a closet 'Mailer', but also to shield you from your own, (Seemingly obvious to all observers) lack of strategy. It isn't the speech itself that is the problem, as it appears to be fairly thoughtful, it is the perception of the speech, but far worse it's your choice of battles.

Today, you look like a thoughtless rookie at the absolute best. A racist at worst... And from worst to best you almost certainly come across as 'a bit of a bellend'.

Unless of course this is a 'Plan' and Labour has their own Tax Rats about to stream out of the woodwork and this is your own version of a 'distraction'.

If that is the plan, look at D-Cam for guidance... The 'master' of such puppetry, trained under the ultimate Dark Lord Blair... He'd never sacrifice the queen to save a pawn.

The lesson here is simple. No matter how distracting you need to be, never dress the leader up as Hitler. He'll just end up looking a Twat.

Opinion: Look at the Fucking Pasty!

Who remembers the famous, infamous... In fact, Legendary 'Pasty-Budget' poor poor George O did in 2012?
Yeah... It was all about Pasties wasn't it? It was 'Pasty-this' and 'Pasty-that'... And then there was loads of stuff about Pasties at the end... Oh and he mentioned the word 'Pasty' seventy times at the start.

You DO remember... There were all the headlines the next day. George O's head photoshopped onto a massive Pasty. The Mail did a screaming headline about Pasties as did the Sun... The Conservatives were on the ropes, reeling under a barrage of left and right blows from the Media... And from Greggs of course...

That's how we all remember it isn't it?
Or not... Luckily for me I stopped looking at the Infinitely Alluring Magic Pasty being puppeted on a strings, inches away from my gawping facepiece, for just long enough to check previous blogs...

And... Well gosh-a-rama and crikey Fucksticks...
Pasty tax was actually a 'Fuck all' aspect of the budget. A relatively minor Own Goal in the 'Amazing Budget that Pleased Nobody'
I remember the Headlines being all about 'Granny Tax'... And then of course Cash for Cameron happened. Before that the forcing through of the NHS bill despite large-scale public resistance.

So what would you rather have?
Scrutiny over that, or, a few vaguely embarrassing soundbites by senior figures regarding the last time they ate a Pasty?

It's clear what the government would prefer and consequently we're seeing a deluge of cringe inducing 'stagey' questions about MPs snacking habits, each one universally failing to mention the crucial point, and basis of the entire ludicrous tax: was it a hot Pasty? Answer me Prime Minister! Was it 'Hot', 'warm' or merely 'Tepid'... Answer me! Newsnight should be fun this week

Obviously, Pasty tax is important to the manufacturers, as well as to fans of warm Cornish Comestibles...

But at the moment it seems to be most important for the Coalition... Derision is bad. Scrutiny is worse. As long as we're all lauging about D-Cam and Poor Poor George O we're not asking them all the tricky questions... We're asking them about Pasties... And instead of working, half of our elected MPs are, as we speak, racing to be snapped in a Greggs with a face full of pastry and an 'I'm JUST like you' Grin...

So...
Look at the Pasty... go on: Look, stare, gawp... With your EYES. look. Laugh
Ha Ha Ha. 'Pasty' sounds Funny. Top Tories are 'Out of Touch' Ha Ha Ha.
Now look at the Pasty again...
Watch it... it's warm... Look...
LOOK AT THE FUCKING PASTY!

Opinion: Cash for Cameron punctures the Teflon Knight like a scraping knife on a non-stick pan.

Remember what I said about The 'Teflon Knight' just a couple of blogs ago? It was in the hideously sexualised 'Budget' review that gave me the most amusing 'search terms' report I've had so far?
(based on some of them, I'm pretty sure the readers who found it on Google were disappointed that it wasn't a piece of parliamentary, watersports-based 'slash fiction'... Surely a growth area in literature...)

Anyway, throwing bizarre sexual imagery aside, I made a dig about the 'non-stick' boss of the Cons, missing out on the derision that was heaped on 'Poor George O'... Well looks like someone has incinerated some sausages in Cameron's pans and tried to scrape them off with an angle grinder.

Putting Teflon metaphors aside, it seems the bad publicity has finally hit the top. #CashforCameron has been trending all night, well since the Sunday Times released the footage of the Hugely rich treasurer of the Conservative party offering access to the PM to undercover Reporters under the mistaken assumption that they too were massively rich, and able to pay £250,000 for the 'pleasure'

Of course it isn't only that... I mean, if you have that much money to waste on a meeting, Cameron might well know you socially and forego any charge for a sit down, a chat, and a sip of peasant's tears. What seemed to be on offer for that fee was actual 'influence'... This meeting would be 'amazing' for your business and put you in the 'premier league' of Tory donors... Truly the dullest 'league' of any kind in the History of everything ever...

The Treasurer responsible, well, Co-treasurer... It's important to be accurate with such things... Apparently. Is Peter Cruddas... A name which may have invited such juvenile bullying he would have had to become the local thug to survive. Luckily for the world he was insulated from this fate by him 'not growing up where I did' and becoming a boy scout, which he says 'Gave him the discipline to suceed'

Now, here is the problem with any Media Strategy involving this fine gentleman. He is rich. Very rich. In fact he was the richest man in the 'city of London' so... Toppest of the top bankers... Shrewdest of the shrewd customers...

How do you make him into a patsy? I mean the footage shrieks 'Bang to rights' so you can't blame the journalists. He is intelligent and ultra successful, so 'conventional corruption' will be hard to pin on him, and he's clearly not simply thick... And he's so much 'their type' that he wouldn't be stitching them up for reasons of ideology...

So... It's top down... It came from the Boss... And it seems he knows it. His tetchy soundbite to the BBC looked like the actions of a guilty child caught stealing biscuits and blaming the babysitter for spying... Sadly the BBC, who I love with a passion have towed an odd party line, reporting the PMs anger at Cruddas as the story, avoiding the 'dodgy donor' aspect... Well... They have the license fee to think about don't they... *shakes head in tormented sadness*

Luckily the Sunday Times have been excellent on this, proving the value of true public interest journalism... This 'scoop' exemplifies everything great about the profession... Sadly though it may be Cameron's main 'Get Out' weapon... And it's been handed to him by some commentators on the left... (The right are all crowing about the fact that this happened while the Guardian were serving ice cream on their open weekend)

The narrative goes like: this is Murdoch's 'revenge' for Cameron turning his back on Newscorp.
Now aside from the insult to the reporters, this also mildly excuses those involved.
If this becomes a battle of two 'Baddies' nobody is expected to behave any better. Maybe this story would have been diminished slightly in times gone by (Even in the most psychotically pro-Cameron newsroon, I doubt that anyone would spike such an important story, and if they did, it would immediately have been leaked by the Journos who had put in such sterling work)

It isn't nasty Mr Murdoch throwing mud back at the Nasty ol' Tories. It's undercover reporters being offered influential access to our elected Prime Minister for cash money... And maybe sacrificing and smearing the 'message-boy' won't be enough this time...

So hats off to the Sunday Times, and hopefully this is the answer to all those Tabloids who dare to use a 'Public Interest' excuse to run nonsense hacked from a D-listers phone.

And for Cameron... I am very interested to see how you deal with this one... If the list of Cruddas appointments includes many 'Private Healthcare' companies you could well be in for a rough ride for a while... But remember, if the deal was 'access to David Cameron' then the buck must stop at David Cameron.

And for Ed... Get your house in order and Publish it... Because if you have any skeletons knocking about, vultures will be circling now for the tiniest morsel... If your knickers aren't clean, be ready for them to be waved in the country's face...

And Clegg... Well do whatever you want. Nobody cares any more.

David Cameron... Movie Mogul.

David Cameron has today revealed another impressive bow to his string. Not only is he a 'Visionary Leader' (tm) Steering our country through 'Tough times' (tm) left 'by the previous Labour Government' (T-Fucking-M). No... He is also a genius of the film industry.

Well I never.

Ok... I'm about to do a hideous simplification here, but what do you expect from a blog? Rigorously researched unbiased reportage? If so, go to the science/skeptic blogs. This is a political/opinion blog and since I recently decribed Ed Miliband as moving like: 'Two Octopus's wrestling in a man suit' I think D-Cam is fair game for some ribbing.

His tip for the British film industry seems to be: Try to make more Mainstream, successful films.

Genius eh? Nobody ever thought of that did they. Who knows what other, life changing ideas may follow?
England's football success? Score more and Better Goals!
The problems of Industry? Make better products, faster and cheaper!
See... This politics lark is simple.

Perhaps most amusing to me is the film that has been used to illustrate the point: The King's Speech. Basically it follows the 'classic' structure for a 'Sports Movie', except with speech impediments to overcome rather than a big game to win (and thus save the community centre from the evil developer who wants to knock it down and etc etc etc)

Now... On paper NOBODY on the planet would have that pegged for the British Success story of the year. No. If you were looking at easy Mainstream Success you'd threaten Hugh Grant with the tower if he refused to be in 4 weddings part 2 (4 weddings, a funeral, a hacking inquiry and a terrified new-mother perhaps?)

Speaking as an artist. (Which means speaking a bit like a twat, which I also am) You always angle for some kind of 'popular acceptance'. I compose electronic music, I accept it has a fairly niche appeal. (you can listen by clicking the buttons somewhere on this blog. Go on... Be the first)

That isn't how I conceive it. Every album or track I've produced I've fully wished (if not entirely expected) to set the commercial world alight, to win 'nuff awards and see me set up with lucrative advertising contracts for life. It has yet to happen, but that isn't because I'm ruthlessly avoiding the mainstream or the commercial. It's just because I don't fit that ever changing picture. I probably never will. I'm not a good enough composer.

There is no formula for mainstream success, and that goes double for cinema. Look at Heaven's Gate. That had Oscar winners, Epic scope and a huge publicity machine. It sunk an entire studio.
Conversely, look at Shallow Grave, or Reservoir Dogs. Essentially little more than (Admittedly beautiful) one set, Movie-Plays both changed the cinema landscape forever and brought us maverick talents on small budgets, and with no nod to the 'Fashion' of the time.

Then again, maybe David C DOES have a secret formula. Somehow I doubt it. If he did, Hollywood would have 'done a Kim Jong Il and had him kidnapped to LA, where he would be forced to make massively successful movies forever, thus becoming the most powerful and wealthy man who ever lived for taking the gamble out of what is famously the most risky of industries...

Or maybe it was just a soundbite to connect him in voters minds with The Kings Speech, a genuine British Success story and something to be very proud of.

Specially since they were asked to do a less-sweary version and answered with a Great British: Fuck Off!