Opinion: Boris... Just Boris

Boris Johnson is a phenomena.

Yesterday he was being touted by the Telegraph as a strong candidate to Usurp David Cameron before the 2015 Election, having wooed party Donors his way with a 'Strong Pro Business' stance.

Did I say strong? I meant utterly frenzied, even going to the utterly 'Balls Out crazy' move of inviting Rupert Murdoch to be his personal guest at the Olympics... 

To appreciate just how 'Strong' a 'Pro Business' gesture this is, just remember, A) This Billionaire Mogul isn't exactly at his most popular at the moment and B) Boris is responsible for the Met Police, who are currently in the middle of investigating News Corp (amongst others) over various things, and are themselves under pressure, having been accused of complicity in some of the things they are now investigating...

So... Yesterday he seemed unstoppable. The city had their boy, willing to perform a very very PDA with one of the most divisive figures in U.K business, they were misty-eyeing at him like the nerdy library kid gawping the pretty girl who wouldn't speak to him*... potentially it was just a matter of getting the public to fall for him in the same way...

Today...
Well Today... This:

Now some people are writing off his chances. Guffawing at him...
'Oh look at the Silly Dangling Man'
'He can never win... Look at him... He is a Silly... a Silly...'

Be warned though, don't write him off... This is Meat and Gravy to this man...
Don't forget he was swept to victory as Mayor of London on a Platform of: 'Being Quite Funny on Panel Shows' and being 'Less Sickeningly Odious than Ken Livingstone'
Now you may not think that is an adequate enough skillset to lead a country... and you'd be correct...
But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen...

Even Cameron was forced to admit it: "If any other politician got stuck on a zipwire it would be disastrous. With Boris it's a triumph."


...and I imagine that quote was uttered through teeth so gritted that the merest agitation would have caused them to shatter into microscopic fragments. Whilst it is true that Duncan praised Macbeth before the regicide, it is slightly more unusual for him to cheer him on between stabbings.

Before the Mayoral Election I begged London to not vote for him. I obviously didn't have as much influence as I hoped... I should also note that I begged them to avoid voting for Livingstone, but it would be a bit suspect to call what happened a win for me...

I feel there is a genuinely worrying trend to put personality before ability in politics these days. Tories will lay the blame at the feet of Tony Blair, Labour will claim that Thatcher did it first, (Like so many of the 'Things Tony Did')... The Lib Dems... well they'll say.. something... probably something that sits between the two and means nothing...

Could the Country do this on a larger scale? Would they gamble the future of our nation on a man who most closely resembles Wurzel Gummage before he became an enchanted scarecrow?

Well... People like Boris... He is a surprisingly good public speaker for someone who has a default setting of 'Incoherent'. He knows how to get a crowd going, witness his 60,00 person bitchslap of Mittens Romney... and he can laugh at himself, evinced by his sterling buffoonery/recovery whilst hanging over his city like something from a rejected line of Bullingdon christmas decorations...

Will they vote for him?

Of course.. they voted for him in London... and he is clever.. he is one of the few to take an important lesson from American Politics, the 'Dubya' lesson that nobody else has ever been brave enough to utilise: In times of crisis, people tend to have more trust in those who they feel are less intelligent than themselves.

Of course, anyone who thinks this about Boris, but doesn't happen to work at CERN, is utterly wrong. He is highly educated, strategic and has cultivated this persona for years... and besides, he has advisors for any of the really hard stuff... by any measure he is more intelligent than most. But the perception is unthreatening: How could he possibly be tricking us? He'd forget and blurt out any nefarious plans before tripping over and grabbing the breasts of a female assistant in a 'hilarious carry-on' Manner...

So, he has the vote of the 'Banter' brigade... even if anyone who uses that word in the positive is arguably so witless as to not deserve oxygen, let alone any deciding power over the future of our country.

... and The 'Average Tory' voter?
Well... he does poll well amongst the rank and file. He is seen as being more Tory than the Neo-Blair Conservatism of Cameron... and besides.. Cameron is just that bit too shiny and airbrushed (Both in real life and in campaign literature)... He's a middle manager... lift muzak... the human equivalent of an Ikea shelving unit... perfectly functional and well designed, but nothing too exciting...

Boris on the other hand is a Rocket Powered Union jack painted Grandfather Clock, almost a caricature of 'Dribblingly Insane Ruling Class'. Where Cameron wouldn't follow a 'Conservative' idea out of the door if Public Opinion was raining too heavily, Boris... Well Boris would throw himself straight out of the window... and with his luck he'd land squarely on his feet, the idea in his hand and a rose in his teeth... and Public opinion... well it would Laud him... because he's Boris... and that's just what he does...

...and Labour... what can they do?

Well. They can only hope that the Public fall out of love with him... because, with the ammo they're currently packing, they aren't going to win the battle of personalities any time soon... and any attempt to ridicule Boris or conventional attempt knock him off his pedestal will only increase his 'Clown-Shoe' Cache.

So what do they have left?
They need to find their own Lovable chap who doesn't take himself too seriously, who can raise a crowd into a US style woop and who doesn't mind cultivating a ridiculous persona, whilst using it to cloak a genuinely astute political brain...

... to me that sounds like only one other Political Figure...

So... who else is up for Bojo Vs Prezza in 2015?

(*Yeah... I mean me here... Obviously)

Opinion: Mili-Bandwagon Blues

Picture the scene.
You have to travel somewhere.
The trek may be difficult, but it is possible.
You come to a station, there are two choices of transport.

Would you go for:
1) 'The beautiful people of your Gender preference who just happen to have no sexual inhibitions and pockets full of cash and non-fattening chocolate... oh and there are Unicorns as well, and REAL transformers... and your very favourite food and drinks are provided and Kurt Cobain and John Lennon are alive and Jamming with Keith Moon and Jimmy Hendrix on the back seat' Bus Company?

or

2) 'The Seats are made of vinegar and barbed wire, and drills and things, oh and they're all rusty, the driver is a blind lunatic with chronic spasm syndrome and every five minutes a concentrated stream of sewage is jetted into your eyes, ears, nose and mouth, at least until we plunge off a cliff and into a slowly closing scrap-crusher' Bus Company?

 Seems obvious doesn't it?

Ok, now imagine you're Ed Miliband...
 Right, now after you've come back to your senses and towelled off the horror sweat I'll explain.

Today Ed had a choice of two bandwagons.

The first was rolling along nicely. PM D-Cam had condemned Jimmy Carr's legal tax avoidance strategy, but ignored the Gary Barlow (And God Knows how many others, and since he never existed he isn't telling) Open net there surely? It's an uncomfortable one for Cameron, tax avoidance/evasion. I mean, I bet with some digging plenty of donors and pals of the PM could be implicated in this sort of scheme, if not the PM himself. Combine that with the perceived 'Singling out' by the PM of Carr, which probably has nothing to do with his jokes... But could look like it does.

So does Ed come out swinging on this today? Does he leap on this rocket powered, chrome plated, bandwagon and ride it straight down D-Cam's throat, through his insides and out to electoral glory, shaming all tax avoiders into paying up, saving the U.K economy and perhaps causing England to win 'That Football' and saving us from hostile aliens who like Fruit Pastels with the face of Jimmy Saville?

Well... No.

 Instead, he decided to drag a Bandwagon out of a sewer. Nobody is using it at the moment. And the wheels are broken. And the seats are all Razor blades.

This Bandwagon is called. 'Migrants dun it' and for some reason this is the one he decided to ride today, and instead of going down D-Cams throat he went straight up Nick Griffen's flabby, racist arse...

What?
Don't you want to win Ed?

Lots of people are working hard on your side and this is how you thank them? Not to mention the Government themselves, who appear to be doing the best to get you in... Maybe it's a Bullingdon bet or something... A forfeit for not getting your round of Prozzies in after the Swan's blood.

Look at Twitter Ed, look at the Tories now revelling in their chance to look 'Not Racist'... See how many loyal Labourites are trying to contextualise your words, not only to make you appear less like a closet 'Mailer', but also to shield you from your own, (Seemingly obvious to all observers) lack of strategy. It isn't the speech itself that is the problem, as it appears to be fairly thoughtful, it is the perception of the speech, but far worse it's your choice of battles.

Today, you look like a thoughtless rookie at the absolute best. A racist at worst... And from worst to best you almost certainly come across as 'a bit of a bellend'.

Unless of course this is a 'Plan' and Labour has their own Tax Rats about to stream out of the woodwork and this is your own version of a 'distraction'.

If that is the plan, look at D-Cam for guidance... The 'master' of such puppetry, trained under the ultimate Dark Lord Blair... He'd never sacrifice the queen to save a pawn.

The lesson here is simple. No matter how distracting you need to be, never dress the leader up as Hitler. He'll just end up looking a Twat.