A Cheery wave to Potential Future Employers

Hello there.
There are many reasons you may be reading this. Perhaps you are a political 'slash fiction' obsessive and have Googled the phrase 'George Osborne Piss Bukkake'... terms which have brought people to this blog in the past, whereupon I cannot even begin to imagine the 'wilting' disappointment they experienced.

You may be a friend of mine, scanning my gibberings for 'cries for help' or other evidence of that cataclysmic breakdown that has been in the post for two decades. Don't worry, I am a 'Brinksman'... All the pleasure for me is derived from sailing close to the edge, giving every impression that I will fall at any moment, but, in reality I am never less than completely in control... The bouts of hysterical laughter/weeping/animal impressions are just theatrical tools I employ.

Maybe I tricked you into coming here, luring you from your preferred social network by attaching the link to a gag, or hashtag, that was just too damn enticing to pass up... In which case, sorry... the entries prior to this are much more entertaining... oh and can you click on the 'music links' dotted around this page... you don't even have to listen... you can mute them... I'll never ever know that*, but I will see the 'play' statistic one day and it will make me smile... think of it like charity... but free... and for someone who doesn't particularly deserve, or need it.
(*Unless of course you leave me a comment telling me... but at least I'd get a comment then... I keep hearing about a plague of 'Trolls'... they must be afeared of me)

You may even be a member of #TeamBozier...

Most likely you've got here through the 'Badly Drawn Roy' post... which still gets plenty of visitors every day. He seems to be doing ok, although I have had no further direct contact with him. I'm happy to have helped, although the people who contacted me about it seemed to massively over-estimate my involvement...

There is however a possibility that you are a recruiter, or an employer, who has Googled my name to see what that sewer of human behaviour, the internet, will vomit onto their desks when my name is uttered...

... and Luckily you've ended up here first, and not my 'George Osborne Many-Wee-Wonder-site'... (Which honestly doesn't exist... although it should... and if I had the erotic fiction skills I would make one... I mean, look how well 'Fifty Shades of Lame' is doing... now... 'Mild Squirm' fiction for girls... that's where the money is)

So hello to you... and whatever job you're searching me for, I can assure you I'll be very good at it... and of course much more hard-working than is apparent on  this Blog.

I am however puzzled as to what you hope this little search will achieve? Really... I'm not complaining... far be it from me to deride your procedures Potential Future Boss... that would be stupid... but, has nobody ever told you: Nobody is completely themselves on the internet... because that is what the internet is for.

Some of my friends who read this blog have asked me about this: Am I worried about what I write on here, bearing in mind that you... yes 'you' are actually now reading it... (Oooh... how 'Meta'... if you are a recruiter reading this blog, drop me a clever comment... and then give me that job... whatever it is)
...and the answer to that is: 'of course not'... it's a mildly snarky opinion, music, social media and politics blog, it could never have any bearing whatsoever on my ability to do any job... it's fluff...
So those same friends ask: Well... what about your portrayal of yourself as an acerbic misanthrope who lives entirely in the realms of social media and the internet...

Well... in that case I have to entrust in the intelligence of the reader (You... Yes, your intelligence... high pressure I know) I imagine if you are able to use a search engine, you will be able to understand the difference between the real world and the 'let's pretend' world.

I mean, I bet at least half of you immediately started shaking your head when you saw that I used that awful, tawdry 'A friend asked me' device a few moments ago in a vain attempt at keeping this meander-wagon steered in the right direction... Of course I've never been asked these questions... anyone who asked them would be insane, and incapable of any human interaction... let alone 'Friendship'. As soon as those questions left their non existent lips, I'd punch them in their non-existent face... except of course I wouldn't because 'they' don't exist... and the 'me' that types this is an internet persona...

All clear?

So the queation remains: What can you really learn about someone from the internet?
The Answer: Well... nothing really... nothing of any use in the actual material, fleshbag world... Why? because the internet allows, nay encourages all of us to lie and exaggerate...

Someone I know says on Facebook (complete with imagex flitered to resemble a Polaroid shot): 'OMG Had The Awesomest Breakfast Ever!'
They didn't... it was fry up... just an unremarkable fry up without black pudding... a fact which no 'trendy' filter can disguise

Someone else says 'Big night last night... proper dead now'
Well they aren't are they? There's no way to Tweet from beyond the grave... (or is there? see previous post... whether this idea interests you or not, it's simply funnier than this one)

The internet is no better a source of important recruitment information than a horoscope... or the graffiti on a toilet door... or the ravings of the woman behind the bottle bins at Tesco who insists I am Roy Orbison...

On the other hand, this you can trust implicitly oh wise, witty and attractive recruiter person...
I'll be bloody great at that job...
Whatever it is...
...oh and I like Black pudding on a fry up...
Don't judge me...

Internet startup: Inanity beyond death... How to continue to babble from beyond your, richly deserved, grave...

For those few people who have read this blog more than once (stalkers, sexual deviants lured in by odd search terms, blog favourite #TeamBozier and the like) I may come across as a 'Tron-Like' figure... a man made of  light and wires, who zips around and unreal social media universe on his lightcycle... or special effect 'line'... without a care in your dull, matter-based, human world...

But of course I do have a 'care' in that vile human world, with its 'smells', unusual impulses and personal stickiness and no matter how much I try to ignore it, it stubbornly refuses to stop existing... a great big lumpy, fleshy 'care' that needs to be tended and fuelled and generally maintained whilst reacting in all sorts of disturbing and unpleasant ways to various stimulation under the smug excuse of 'emotional response'

Yes I am talking about the skinsack that holds all the important bits together, my body... the envelope that contains the 'essential me' on it's tedious journey from birth to death, via a series of trips to chain coffee outlets and bouts of existential despair. There is no upgrade scheme for this piece of hardware incidentally... and the only people seriously looking into separating the useful parts from the meat bag are 'Astral Scientists' who seem to think the solution involves smoking weed and engaging in marathon staring sessions at patterns from old, failed cultures they pretend to understand... as opposed to my preferred solution which involves highly invasive and destructive surgery and a 70 foot tall mechanical body..

Yes, ALL of you internet people are, like me, attached to a load of biological processes in shoes... which will, like all inferior biological technology, clap out on you one day... it will die..completely.. and there is no way off stopping it, and there's no reboot... it will be gone, but the real you... the internet you, will just continue to exist, trapped in limbo without those fleshy sausages to press the buttons that allow it to be...

But it doesn't have to be this way...

And that's where my new start up business comes in... for a small cash cost and an incredibly dangerous operation we will attach sensors to all of your major organs. When these notoriously temperamental bio-components finally, and inevitably wear out, a signal will be sent to our HQ and one of two of our exclusive packages will be activated.

1) Basic 'Last words' package.
On our cheapest package, the exact moment you die, one of our operatives will seize control of all your social media profiles in order to process that final update... this can be a factual appraisal: Cause of Death*, time etc... a profound comment, either self composed or created with one of our crack team of greetings card inlay writers...

Of course, death doesn't have to be a downer. you could go for something 'lighter' like: "Dead now, LOL" or perhaps "All your grave are belong to me"

If you happen to have complicated legacy arrangements that involve pirates, traps or haunted houses you could use this service to give your grieving relatives that first, fun 'starter clue'... the limits are only your imagination... and of course the psychological frailty of your next of kin...

*Note, the 'factual appraisal' option is not recommended for all and we cannot be held responsible for any breakdowns and/or copycat suicide/murders resulting from your nearest and dearest reading that you have just ’passed on’ due to severe rectal trauma, dressed as a girl guide in the shopping precinct of Ipswich town centre...

2) Our premier service works in exactly the same way as the budget one, except... it won't stop! Instead, our highly advanced bank of computers will analyse your posting style based on criteria such as: Overall inanity, fondness for pictures of cats, misunderstanding of what the word 'troll' means in an internet context, weird belief in conspiracies... etc etc...

Then the magic happens...

After a curt announcement regarding the (not especially) 'sad' demise of your sagging protein vessel, your social media  accounts will continue 'as normal', but with our machines matching your posting frequency and style, but obviously surpassing your pitifully inadequate 'human' wit, wisdom, profundity and spelling... for ever... and ever... and... well you get the point...

Sounds good eh?

Now to ask Louise Mensch and Go #TeamBozier if they want in...
We will make this happen... for you...

Opinion: David Cameron... Not really a Lizard.. It was a trick!

Yesterday Nicola Adams made History by being the first British Olympic Boxing Champion in the Women's event.

It was an amazing display of athleticism and will. She is a sporting Legend

Everybody watched it. Everybody enjoyed.

David Cameron was watching it. He tweeted a picture on the official Number 10 Feed.

Bless him. Even if it wasn't staged... Well... It definitely looked that way... and it was. I mean... Did he set it on a Timer and prop it up behind the kettle? Nope.

Photoshop/Visual Humour  GOD Beau B'Dor  kicked it off. I won't put his here. Suffice to say they are amazing.... and they would make mine look the amateur hour quick and dirties they are... 

But, I thought, This could be fun. So... Presented below are my contributions to this fledgling meme:

 Dunno what the fuss is about... he looks totally natural here...

David Cameron watching something to remind him of happier times..

Come on.. That Picture was BEGGING for it... I mean... Look at it.

Now... I don't think Cameron is literally a Lizard man... That is far too tin foil hat, even for me... But Come on... it looks funny... he looks like a Lizard. Like in V... or in David Icke's head... so it went down ok, and yeah... a few people passed it around. I got R.T's and even a few utterly uncredited prints of it on 'News Blogs'...  Hence I record it here, under my name.... It's a joke... a silly joke.

But The picture below that. David Cameron watching Boris Floundering in a River... Well that one didn't go down as well.. in fact it sank with no trace... Pity really, because with the time he's having with Boris recently... well, I imagine he would greatly enjoy watching the great White-Maned Woolly Wonder bobbing off down a river... smiling at the thought that, this time, he might finally be gone forever...

Opinion. OMG That Awkward Moment when your arrest is announced on Facebook.

So reports are saying Andy Coulson is apparently to be charged with Perjury in connection with what I have been 'legally advised' to call: That Tommy Sheridan 'Muddle'

By now you will be able to read plenty of tweets, blogs and 'proper' reports on the subject. All of these will be by proper journalists/bloggers, very detailed and full of knowledge, opinion and facts and 'stuff'... Stuff I'm genuinely not interested in, or able to provide... If you want that, you know where to look (everywhere)
Anyway, That's my get out. I know nothing about the case, and I can prove it... 

What is interesting to me however, is how this news was first released into the world.

Via the Strathclyde 'Polis' Facebook Page. 

http://www.facebook.com/StrathclydePolice

Yep, that's right. The first whisperings of this were on Facebook, conveniently placed too late to be picked up by the BBC News Headlines.

This is a wonderful development surely?

At last we can 'Like' an arrest. We can blaze a trail of internet pitchforks right to the arresting officers homepage. Maybe we can even say silly things in comments boxes that could prejudice an investigation,  be called 'Contempt of Court' or even get our dumb selves arrested (for what the media wrongly describe as 'Trolling', but which is more accurately described as 'Being a Total Cockwart')

Better still, the Arrestee could comment back. Perhaps a 'Sad face' or: "OMG That Awkward moment when you are woken up by police officers, driven hundreds of miles to Scotland, questioned and then charged with Perjury Allegations LOLZZZ!!!11"

They might even be offered a supportive message from a celebrity... something like "Keep Your Head up"

or "Sorry I couldn't be more Loyal"

They could do a special Instagram of the proceedings, with a special filter so the pictures look like it was in 'The Olden days'... you could even get the officers to dress a bit 'Ashes to Ashes' and go a bit Gene Hunt on you... 

If it took off, Huffpost could have a 'Top Ten Viral Arrest' lists, D-Listers would start to do petty crime in the hope of a few Retweets and shares... the really clever ones would go to 'Famous' Police Stations with good social Media strategies to maximise their network reach. There could be special agents to facilitate this.

It's a Win Win. The celeb gets coverage, the Police look efficient and both could sell targeted adverts... perhaps for emergency legal representation and 'Glasgow to London' Cab Companies.

And best of all someone goes, very publicly, to the stocks and we can all go about out business feeling that little bit happier and smugger and superior and... and just Better.... 

Unless, of course, they're eventually found innocent, upon which the entire internet is charged, as one, with contempt of court, 'Detained' and taken to Govan for questioning...

Bleak Opinion: Outrage Jockeys.

We are used to being outraged by Politicians on twitter.

Some of us are genuinely shocked by it. Some of us expect it. Some savour it. Some actively encourage it. Some actively 'seek out' outrage, where there is none.

I'll let you decide where Nadine Dorries latest 'Outrage Offering' sits.
Just so you know, it was to do with an after party for her appearance on 'Have I got News For You', the preferred forum for picking prospective candidates in the London Mayoral Elections. The other Guest was the Comedian, Reginald D Hunter.

Dorries: I have now left the HIGNFY after party. As I looked over my shoulder, Reginald D Hunter was talking to my daughter.#wheresmyshotgunman


When Challenged she replied:  it was something Reg would laugh at.I suggest you watch the prog and refrain from comment until you have.


So I will. No I actually will. I'll admit my jaw dropped when I read it. But I thought about it and I'll wait and see what the show throws up.
But I don't think it can possibly 'harm' her career in the way that some people seem to be suggesting.

Look at Boris... Look at Ken in fact... even poor Brian Paddick...  I wasn't joking about Have I got News for You being a forum for the major parties to get candidates out to non political audience... and that's major candidates for major parties. Imagine some of the publicity junkies we've got hidden deep within the party machine, waiting to 'reveal' themselves... in the niche parties...

Lets be honest. Of this type, the 'crazies' are the funniest, the ones that spit ludicrous soundbites are the most memorable... Each tedious outrage is just another reinforcement that this or that politician actually carries weight in the public sphere. It's a 'Force Multiplyer'. The exact opposite of a distraction tactic.

So, what will happen?

Maybe the HIGNFY appearance will be a comedic triumph,  and put in context the tweet becomes a 'callback' to a gag in the show, or perhaps an entirely innocent play on words (Shotgun Wedding?). Which means she's pulled a very sophisticated move. Win for Dorries. She is not a racist, she is a 'Wit'

Most likely, nothing happens. The show is unmemorable. Something else occurs, blotting the whole event from the collective conscious. Maybe she'll get such a leathering that it will appear that the Tweet has already been 'punished' by the other members of the panel. The comment may still have no real connection to the show, but it might just 'Blow over'.. it was just a misfired joke.

Worst case for her:  The appearance is a disaster, establishing the Tweet in context as 'malicious', 'bigoted' and 'Racist'.  She is disgraced and shamed... Maybe even sacked, humiliated and reviled. This is what some people are suggesting might actually happen.

Then What?

Later she will be 'remembered'... She'd get another job... maybe as a columnist. She will maintain her blog, and continue to raise her profile. She will keep some support. More than likely she will be elected to something. Probably sooner rather than later. For those of you who think that making a horrifically inappropriate remark on Twitter will lose you all support, I dare you to search the hashtag #Banter on Twitter. Your answer is there.

If anyone could politically survive that, it's her. She appears to be one of those savvy MPs who have embraced social media as a platform and have an innate understanding of the nature of memory. If you can get the public 'interested' in you, in even the most tenuous and bizarre way, you stand far more of a chance than even the most able of 'political minds' in any election held amongst human beings, no matter what your actual beliefs are... You can always raise your profile with one section of the public or other, even if that simply means hammering yourself into them at every opportunity with a divisive opinion... Like your average Daily Mail columnist, she could become a part of the public consciousness mainly by her constant appearance in trends, timelines and online news, being outrageous and being written about.... and each event, positive or negative, making her seem more 'important'

...and here I am at 2:00 am, Writing about her...
Bleak.

Opinion: Cash for Cameron punctures the Teflon Knight like a scraping knife on a non-stick pan.

Remember what I said about The 'Teflon Knight' just a couple of blogs ago? It was in the hideously sexualised 'Budget' review that gave me the most amusing 'search terms' report I've had so far?
(based on some of them, I'm pretty sure the readers who found it on Google were disappointed that it wasn't a piece of parliamentary, watersports-based 'slash fiction'... Surely a growth area in literature...)

Anyway, throwing bizarre sexual imagery aside, I made a dig about the 'non-stick' boss of the Cons, missing out on the derision that was heaped on 'Poor George O'... Well looks like someone has incinerated some sausages in Cameron's pans and tried to scrape them off with an angle grinder.

Putting Teflon metaphors aside, it seems the bad publicity has finally hit the top. #CashforCameron has been trending all night, well since the Sunday Times released the footage of the Hugely rich treasurer of the Conservative party offering access to the PM to undercover Reporters under the mistaken assumption that they too were massively rich, and able to pay £250,000 for the 'pleasure'

Of course it isn't only that... I mean, if you have that much money to waste on a meeting, Cameron might well know you socially and forego any charge for a sit down, a chat, and a sip of peasant's tears. What seemed to be on offer for that fee was actual 'influence'... This meeting would be 'amazing' for your business and put you in the 'premier league' of Tory donors... Truly the dullest 'league' of any kind in the History of everything ever...

The Treasurer responsible, well, Co-treasurer... It's important to be accurate with such things... Apparently. Is Peter Cruddas... A name which may have invited such juvenile bullying he would have had to become the local thug to survive. Luckily for the world he was insulated from this fate by him 'not growing up where I did' and becoming a boy scout, which he says 'Gave him the discipline to suceed'

Now, here is the problem with any Media Strategy involving this fine gentleman. He is rich. Very rich. In fact he was the richest man in the 'city of London' so... Toppest of the top bankers... Shrewdest of the shrewd customers...

How do you make him into a patsy? I mean the footage shrieks 'Bang to rights' so you can't blame the journalists. He is intelligent and ultra successful, so 'conventional corruption' will be hard to pin on him, and he's clearly not simply thick... And he's so much 'their type' that he wouldn't be stitching them up for reasons of ideology...

So... It's top down... It came from the Boss... And it seems he knows it. His tetchy soundbite to the BBC looked like the actions of a guilty child caught stealing biscuits and blaming the babysitter for spying... Sadly the BBC, who I love with a passion have towed an odd party line, reporting the PMs anger at Cruddas as the story, avoiding the 'dodgy donor' aspect... Well... They have the license fee to think about don't they... *shakes head in tormented sadness*

Luckily the Sunday Times have been excellent on this, proving the value of true public interest journalism... This 'scoop' exemplifies everything great about the profession... Sadly though it may be Cameron's main 'Get Out' weapon... And it's been handed to him by some commentators on the left... (The right are all crowing about the fact that this happened while the Guardian were serving ice cream on their open weekend)

The narrative goes like: this is Murdoch's 'revenge' for Cameron turning his back on Newscorp.
Now aside from the insult to the reporters, this also mildly excuses those involved.
If this becomes a battle of two 'Baddies' nobody is expected to behave any better. Maybe this story would have been diminished slightly in times gone by (Even in the most psychotically pro-Cameron newsroon, I doubt that anyone would spike such an important story, and if they did, it would immediately have been leaked by the Journos who had put in such sterling work)

It isn't nasty Mr Murdoch throwing mud back at the Nasty ol' Tories. It's undercover reporters being offered influential access to our elected Prime Minister for cash money... And maybe sacrificing and smearing the 'message-boy' won't be enough this time...

So hats off to the Sunday Times, and hopefully this is the answer to all those Tabloids who dare to use a 'Public Interest' excuse to run nonsense hacked from a D-listers phone.

And for Cameron... I am very interested to see how you deal with this one... If the list of Cruddas appointments includes many 'Private Healthcare' companies you could well be in for a rough ride for a while... But remember, if the deal was 'access to David Cameron' then the buck must stop at David Cameron.

And for Ed... Get your house in order and Publish it... Because if you have any skeletons knocking about, vultures will be circling now for the tiniest morsel... If your knickers aren't clean, be ready for them to be waved in the country's face...

And Clegg... Well do whatever you want. Nobody cares any more.

Opinion: Could the 'Mayor Factor' Finally unite Right and Left?

I don't live in London.
Where I live, we have a Mayor. He is a fairly lumpy looking man, ruddy faced and 'Tory-looking' (in a friendly, rural sort of way)

You probably wouldn't know his name. I would probably spell it wrong anyway, even though I've met him... But he gets his job done, is approachable and understanding in the way that our local MP isn't. A political journeyman.

So... What terrible sin has London committed, that instead of a quiet and humble 'servant of the people' it has a tendency to attract candidates with a near-psychotic instinct to self aggrandise?

Ok... It's obvious who I'm referring to here, but lets look at the other candidates. Two Racists and a Green. I apologise to the 'Green' for putting her in such company, but as far as winning goes, they are fairly comparable. Sorry. Fact. Sadly, caring for our planet seems to be pretty much a 'niche' political objective.

For the Lib Dems, Brian Paddick. Now, aside from the fact that he is a Lib Dem, and thus unlikely to be elected to anything more important than 'token Lib Dem Voice' since their NHS betrayal, he also seems to suffer from that most evil of political maladies: dignity Blindness.
I salute him for being an openly homosexual police officer who has risen to such a powerful position. I salute him for managing to remain a Lib Dem throughout the coalition without tearing his own head off with his bare hands and rugby punting it into orbit.
But.
And it's a 'Big But': Nobody wants to have seen their Mayor on I'm a Celebrity chewing through whatever hacked off animal part they fed him... And this is the London Problem... The problem that is most apparent when you come to the only candidates with a realistic shot at the job...

Confession time. I like Boris and I Like Ken. Both of them. Both are very amusing men, and would be an amazing double act if they were given rival teams on one of those ubiquitous panel shows that the BBC put out in place of expensive scripted comedy these days.

When I lived in London I genuinely applied to be Boris Johnston's speech writer, when he was shadow Higher Education secretary. One of the questions was, and this is utterly true incidentally, 'write about a Trip on a spaceship'. I would have been good at that job. I hope he read my submission.

But despite this, neither of these men should be taking on this difficult job. Both have too much political baggage, trading on facial recognition alone. Also neither of them seem to have any control over their oratory functions. For both men to actually deserve the description 'gaffe-prone' speaks volumes about them.

And no, I'm not falling for that Genial Buffoon act Boris does, or the laid back Lefty Uncle who might have once met Joe Strummer bit from Ken. They are career politicians. And they have teams of diamond hard advisors around them, no doubt taking care of much of the actual shovel work.

I think that's my main objection. It's like electing a figurehead, not a Mayor. The man with most name recognition wins. Under this logic you could get David Walliams vs John Bishop. Both comedy/sporting/nearly-killing-themselves-for-charity heroes. Who would go on which 'team'? It doesn't matter, they would have as much real input as Nick Clegg has on anything.

Yes yes, we get the political team, but why have the figurehead in the first place? Surely both sides can put up candidates with some political weight, but who you could also leave alone with a reporter without them saying something that could spark an international incident.

That said, this competition has been funny. Watching commentators from both sides going through the motions of trying to 'photoshop' all the ludicrousness from their boy whilst calling out their opposites for doing the same.

All I've seen on Twitter for months is: Boris said this so we should back Ken (From the left) Well Ken stands for this so we should back Boris (From the Right) blah blah blee blah using official Twitter to campaign' blah blah 'He's an anti semite, honest' blah blah 'dodgy tax' (For both men) blah blah etc etc ad infinitum.

The 'debate' is as predictable as a metronome and has all the political insight of 'Beliebers' Vs 'Directioners', although at least those two can agree on some things, like perhaps that 'The sky is blue' whereas if one of our mayoral candidates stated this, his opposites would start briefing that it was actually Red that day, and he is a Racist for noticing the colour in the first place and anyway, when their candidate wins the sky will be Gold with falling riches...

The upshot of turning the Capital's 'Important Political Decision' into a personality battle, 'The Mayor Factor' is that it lends an air of shrill desperation to the campaign. A lack of 'real' belief. A Simon Cowell-esque cynicism.
Perhaps it's is time for both sides to sit down, as one, and raise the howl that must be locked in all of their hearts as they trot out the stale and unconvincing arguments for their candidate...
A piercing shriek rises from both left and right.
"Fuck me... Do we both not deserve better candidates than this!"

Opinion: How did George O end up in the Pissy mud outside the tent?

Poor poor poor poor George O.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd type.... Or read... but there it sits, atop this Blog... and to be clear, I do NOT mean financially, despite him asserting that he is not in the 50p tax bracket... (A creative accountant perhaps, or maybe he gets paid entirely in 'credit' for various 'night-time entrepreneurs'... Maybe he works for the love of the country)

No, somehow our George O has gone from being the man 'inside the tent', directing his urine stream out (and straight into the staring, bovine faces of the various 'plebs' and 'oiks' that he sees making the unpalatable majority of the UK) to a spluttering blinking mess at the centre of some horrific, urine-based, bukkake-circle made up of seemingly, the entire press pack, left and right...

He has been lambasted by everyone this morning, and various permutations of 'Granny Tax' have been trending all night in response to his 2012 budget. The amazing budget that pleased precisely nobody. (I am excusing business's from this, as they aren't real people... No matter how much they, or the law, pretends they are... I'm also excluding any business leader who supports this budget, for pretty much the same reason)

How has that happened? How has it been allowed to happen. A Conservative who values his career doesn't allow himself to be the 'front cover donkey' for both the Sun and the Mail...

So... Poor Poor George.
(Unless of course he really does like S&M, in which case this is the ultimate humiliation, something a true aficionado might spend a fortune on, and could only be improved in the front page had featured him dressed as a baby girl, with frilly nappy and dummy in mouth... Sorry, no mind bleach available for that image... It is yours... Enjoy)

So where is his boss in this?

Laughing probably. He is currently the Teflon Knight. Student fees? Clegg took that grenade. NHS? Wheel out the tattered remains of Clegg for the major offensive, then mop up any spare salvos with Lansley and poor ol' Shirley Williams...

So... George... Do you see a pattern? Who are the silvertops going to lynch? It won't be D-Cam... He's hiding behind the curtain, Oz the great and powerful style. You're the one appearing in caricature on all the front pages, looking furtive and sneaky, with one hand in a pensioners pocket.

And don't forget, some of them learned to shoot weapons in a 'massive-fuck-off-war' (excuse the technical term there)

Maybe George should get some insurance in place for any briefings that are being prepared as we speak... Do governments ever use the 'One rogue MP.' excuse? Either way... George... Get some damaging leaks on others out there... Go on... If you're in the game, play it dirty... You'll look good with bloodied knuckles... Maybe that Risk Register? I'll give you my email address if you like...

Incidentally, I KNOW this has very little about the budget in it. People who know more are speculating enough. Let them do the 'projected' (read: imaginary and wildly open to interpretation) numbers...

I also know that the Sun and the Mail are taking 'point' on this one...
Fair play... Still don't like them... Or any newspaper.
enemy's enemy ain't no friend of me...

A Bot's Introduction to Ann Leslie

I've just had a sudden, and vaguely alarming revelation.


It starts, as vaguely alarming revelations often do, whilst up far too late at night perusing the Twitter Timeline for BBC Question time (For some Reason). The words 'Ann Leslie' were trending for the reason that a humanoid called 'Ann Leslie' was on the program tonight and appeared to many people to be rather amusingly tipsy, although having not watched the show, I have literally no idea about that. She also managed to anger/delight quite a few people, with some points which I also didn't see. Because I didn't watch it. As I hope I made clear.


I had thought about watching it on iplayer,


Luckily I didn't pursue this, because as time went on and more and more humans has abandoned Twitter the Trend began to be invaded by more and more 'Bots' who kept the trend alive for hours after the program.


Now I am utterly clueless about 'Bots', or what purpose they serve. Bots seem to me to be computer generated word smashing machines. They often seem to feature, possibly stolen, images of women. What this expected to achieve, I have no idea, as they don't appear to actually do anything. They just seem to ride around on trends like pouty surfers. Very rarely they'll offer you some link in nonsensical english that you'll never click on. Some are fairly targeted, like a 'Robocop' Bot that replies: 'I'd buy that for a dollar'... For some Reason.


So the people had gone to bed. And the Bots took over. Here are some examples of what they came up with:

My infallible acquaintance skirts the chemist's gender. Ann Leslie

The catalog steams above whatever rack! Ann Leslie

The nun overwhelms the authentic criminal around a museum. AnnLeslie

Should the moral nun predict her magazine? Ann Leslie

Your wizard laughs under the cyclist. Ann Leslie

His sickening pad chambers the premium juvenile. Ann Leslie

The embedded author rests past the incident. Ann Leslie

How can the ineffective lamp spike the vowel? Ann Leslie

When can the torture count beneath the disturbed elitist? Ann Leslie

Leaving it untouched, save arranging it into the vaguest couplets and setting the text a-cock with that natty slant I'm pretty sure that I could get away with passing that off as poetry. If I used a breathy poetry voice and included plenty of pauses I could possibly even make it sound like one. The repeated 'Ann Leslie' at the end of each line would be particularly effective in this context. 

So the 'vaguely alarming revelation' is that a series of seemingly thrown together, utterly meaningless words has managed to interest me far more than hearing the words of a living breathing person, whilst also managing to amuse me to the extent that I now never ever want to see anything of this woman in case it ruins the fantastical impression of her that these words portray. 

I'm sure I'm in some way missing out by not seeking out the words and wisdom of the woman concerned, but I just fear that it won't live up to the Bots Introduction.

Internet Holiday, Censorship and Resposibility.

I am a dinosaur of the internet. I was there when it was still a world of hobbyists, undiscovered by advertisers or pornographers. I was in college, studying 'media', we were the only course allowed the passwords to access this exciting, yet slow moving, world of text and low resolution images. Time in this world was strictly metered, and with the limitations of the technology, this meant that most of your visit would have been spent in the online equivalent of an abandoned bus station, waiting for a clapped out Number 7 to take you to the next destination.

I missed the really early days, the days of usenets and newsgroups, purely by virtue of not having the requisite nerdiness to pursue these incomprehensible exchanges. My brother did though, bringing back dispatches from this unusual world and displaying them with a joy I could just about understand. So, computers can 'talk' down phone lines. How could we know how earth shattering that would become?

Now I immerse myself almost totally in the online world. It is where I do most of my work, how I communicate with most of my friends and where I get virtually all of my news. My mobile phone is no longer a phone, more a handheld 'net portal. I know email address's in the way I used to know phone numbers.

I guess that's why I decided to take last week off. Entirely. No Twitter, Email, no News... Oh god... No News... How would I cope with no news and No Twitter... What would happen if I thought of some piece of disposable wit about a political decision? Who would I tell? My girlfriend doesn't actually find me that funny... On the 'net I can usually get a few 'LOL' messages if I fire a good one... Where would I get that pathetic little ego massage that comes with the magic words "... Has retweeted you"

As it was it turned out to be no big deal. Not like an alcoholic saying that they will take a 'month off to prove they don't have a problem' it was more like stopping watching a particular TV show. You find something else to do. You fill the time. You notice, but that's all... I didn't miss it. I read a lot of books, I went out to dinner with my girlfriend (who, now and again, reads this thing - Hello babe!) I hardly thought about Right V Left, or which SPAD had set what stupid thing on Twitter or any of that...

So now I'm back... And it seems I've just missed a Twitter Blackout... Well... I technically took part in it, without really having any intention to do so, or any knowlege of the background. Seems Twitter may censor certain words in certain territories, a plan that certainly fails to acknowledge the creativity of those with 'hidden' messages. Codes and Cyphers stretch back thousands of years, they are a technology as old as the written word.

I have difficulty seeing how they would implement such a scheme, but no difficulty seeing why. After last year, with the Arab Spring, the U.K 'Riots' and subsequent clean-up, the Superinjunction fiasco amongst other events, the pressure on Twitter to take some responsibility for the 'content' must be immense.

Should it be though? Are Nokia responsible for what I blog? How about Apple? I might want to edit this later... Perhaps it's Vodafone's responsibilty... Or even my electric company?
No... It's my fault... Not the fault of those who enable. In the same way that Google are no more at fault for piracy than the street map that directs you to the Market that sells pirate DVDs. The fault, or more precisely the responsibility lies with the originator of the 'content'

Of course I believe that Twitter should not filter content based on region, then again, neither should telephone or Text services... (witness the amazing recent campaign in Pakistan to forbid various words from SMS use... A list which made it round Twitter in about 5 seconds and introduced me to a lot of novel curses, both in Urdu and in English)

That said, the originator should know that free speech always has a price. It may be government harrassment if you disagree with them, or social alienation if you contravene the 'norms'. Every idea worth espousing comes up against some resistance. To be truly brave a person has to put their name behind their opinion.

I, for one, have hid behind the Twitter Hive Mind to voice opinions that I would have felt uncomfortable about otherwise, to engage in debates that I would otherwise excuse myself from either to avoid personal attack (abortion and Religion being the major points that just seem to attract the internet nutters to your door) or to engage in some Spartacus style Streisand-ing and add my voice to a (sometimes illegal) groundswell or meme.

Is it wrong for Twitter itself to want to excuse itself from becoming the mouthpiece for any and all 'anonymous' forces?

It's a difficult question. I love free speech, I'm even able to divorce the concept from the content when some idiot uses it to justify their small minded 'hate Speech' or nonsensical religious bullying. I do worry for it though... I worry that enough people will use it as a shield that it will take on the same perceived tarnish as those once beautiful words 'Human Rights'

Maybe... maybe all of that...
but maybe I've just been reading too much Christopher Hitchens and I need to get myself back on the newstrain... pronto...

Opinion: Glitter Not on Twitter...

Oh all bow down and praise to the great God, Twitter... Yet again... The Hive Mind has provided...
Right... I was genuinely >< that close to doing a ranty style blog about the 'New' (to me) 'Wrestler Style' introductions to Snooker matches on the television. I soon realised a few things, A) I don't actually care about Snooker enough to raise that much ire and B) This could have been going on for years by now, and since I rarely watch snooker, you could all be battle hardened to it (despite it's near Criminal inappropriateness)

So I begged Twitter for some News... And unlike all other totems of worship she hath provided.

A few days ago, a Twitter account was set up, purporting to be the 'Official Garry Glitter' account. It announced a comeback tour and hinted at 'New Material'. This was of course shocking enough to nearly bring Twitter to it's knees, collapse the internet and perhaps send the world spinning of it's axis to plunge, Space 1999 style, into the depths of the cosmos.

Now, I am proud to say I called spoof immediately (Have to boast about that, as I was taken in by the fake Wendi Deng, and thought the new Nadine Dorries account was a spoof... Although I still believe I am half correct on that and she is a 'Spoof Human')

Today it has been revealed that I was right... Or at least that the account is not real. However instead of saying it's a 'spoof' they are using the word 'social experiment', releasing a statement explaining their actions.

Now there were a few 'tells'. The 'new Material' and Tour stood out. It just didn't wash... When convicted child molesters release 'new materiall they tend to do it in less open ways. Honestly, just look on youtube for Johnathon King's more recent output to see 'how it is done' by such a creature... Oh and prepare to have your jaw dropped through the Earth's crust.

So yeah... A spoof account, albeit linked to a campaign for online safety... So far, so admirable... I do have one reservation, the use of the word 'Experiment'. Maybe this will come out later, but I don't see from the information revealed so far what the experiment actually is.

For me the word 'experiment' has quite a specific meaning, not obviated by the preceeding word 'social'. An experiment 'measures' something, there are controls in place. Maybe he plans a statistical breakdown of supportive/negative tweets. But even then there is nothing to contrast it against.

If I was less forgiving I would call it a specialised 'trolling' campaign, as the public reaction was never in question. The best part of people were always going to be understandably outraged, whilst some people who want to be considered 'Dangerously alternative' (or perhaps also clocked him as a spoof) were 'Supportive'... Maybe some of them just really liked Glam Rock.

So hats off to him for an audacious attempt to raise public awareness of online predators, even if the reveal seemed a bit shrill and sanctimonious. (Having a go at 'edgy' jokes made about your 'spoof' account... Please...)

But until I see some results, results that actually say something, I will not accept the word 'experiment'. It was a campaign to raise awareness of an issue, predetermined by it's creator, it was not an attempt to find out anything new about human behaviour.

(Oh and to clarify for anyone who thinks that just because I am questioning the 'experimental' aspect of this campaign I am somehow pro-Glitter. He's fucking lower than the germs in a syphilitic rat... And his music was always shit.)

Opinion: Go #TeamBozier!

Last night, the E-campaign chap for the Labour party became the 'Ex' E-Campaign chap for the Labour party with the view that he will probably be switching to the Conservative Party... although I'm sure he'll be angling to something that swings a bit more weight than 'E-Campaign' chap...

I heard about this on Twitter, which is unsurprising as it's how I get most of my news. What was surprising was that, for some time it existed ONLY on Twitter. The announcement was on Twitter, the reaction was on Twitter, and when news and Bloggers started to report it, the crux of the story was the Response on Twitter. If you weren't on Twitter last night, it Literally hadn't happened.

Now, whether you agree with his principals in question, you have to accept that he was correct to follow them to the party that he feels best represents them... That's a good thing. In fact, it's kind of what democracy is... It's best for everyone, Conservatives have a convert and Labour lose someone who doesn't really believe in the parties direction and probably wouldn't be putting their heart into the job. Maybe both parties would be better if they got rid of a few 'career coasters'.

Despite this fairly simple story, Twitter went alight. Ludicrous Pitchforks from some of the 'Left' outstanding exaggeration from some on the 'Right'. He was either Utterly non-existant, or the final pin holding Ed Miliband's leadership together, depending on who you read. It didn't help that the first 'Article' on the subject (In something called 'Kernel') looked exactly like a spoof, possibly written by Charlie Brooker...

I spent some fun hours equating the hype to the teenage tribalism that overcomes Twitter nearly every day. #TeamBieber or #LittleMonsters or whatever. Political debate turms into mere 'Name Trending' and the side that gets the most Retweets can declare themselves the arbitrary winner and go to bed happy.

I don't know what fallout this will have, maybe none, maybe lots. Suffice to say there is really no political dimension to the story at all. He was a Labour chap who frequently had to dismiss claims he really wasn't, and then decided he really, REALLY wasn't... On Twitter.

It was Twitter itself that lifted this decision onto the News Platter, subsequently turning him into one of those magnets for that glorious Twitter venting that is oh-so-satisfying...

There are rumours that all of this is a publicity ruse to assist in gaining publicity for a business he's starting up. If so, good for him... He's played the system well. He knew exactly what to say, and when to say it... (Sunday night... If he'd started it today it would have beenburied in Leveson and Yacht talk amongst others).

Really everybody wins here.
Conservatives get a convert, who looks the part (i.e. Like a guy from the Apprentice) and knows how to work the system.

Labour have lost someone who doesn't really agree with them anyway and who looked custom designed to irk the Left.

The public have had a chance to get all worked up and frothy (on both sides of the political sphere), despite there being very little to actually say on the matter. Jokes have been made, exaggerations exchanged, challeneges of 'who cares the least/most' even some (Less amusing) 'Threats' flew from side to side.

It's a catharsis, like a mini election with no outcome, allowing Twitter folks (Like me) to feel they are participating in politics without really having to do fuck all.

... And Luke Bozier? Well whatever happens he will come out of this more important and better known than he went in...

What connects the Republican Primaries to a UK obscenity case?

It's been a strange day on Twitter.

I spend a lot of time on the site over the course of the day, I use it to keep up with instant news, check in on friends and read amusing little snippets from strangers. I am used to it's oddities now, but sometimes it really throws you a curve, today was one of those days.

It started out with results from the Iowa Caucas and the surprising result that Mitt Romney had been victorious by the slenderest of margins, despite it being called for another candidate several times during the night (I'm on UK time). I'm not going to get in on my opinions of the Republican candidates, suffice to say that their policies aren't exactly designed for me. What interested me is the reappearance of a name I hadn't seen for many years: Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum had been known to me for some years through a fantastic campaign led by a Dan Savage. It was one of those things that became vaguely legendary on the internet, passed from inbox to inbox with sniggering commentaries. For those not up to speed, the short version is: Santorum is LUDICROUSLY anti-gay... to the level where it becomes slightly suspicious (He recently said 'Sodomy Law' should be decided at state level,  fairly transparent euphemism there). Savage had the idea of running a competition to find an unpleasant, sexually led meaning and attach it to his name. They decided that Santorum would henceforth be: "The frothy mixture of lubricant and fecal matter that sometimes results from anal Sex" (Which is a phrase that has stuck with me for years)

A site was launched, http://spreadingsantorum.com/ and it quickly became massively popular, and to this day is the top result for searching his name. I remember reading about it back then and laughing at what a jolly wheeze it was, seeing his name today brought all that back and, in the UK at least, my Twitter time line was awash with frothy lube gags.

As the day went on this faded into the background, dovetailing neatly with the live-tweeting from a UK obscenity trial. This is a rather interesting case as it basically poses the question: At what point does the portrayal of, perfectly legal, sexual practice become obscene. (Full details are here: http://obscenitylawyer.blogspot.com/2012/01/obscenity-trial-of-decade.html)

The case basically revolves around someone selling porn on DVD (Yeah yeah, may as well have carved it on stone tablets in this age of instant internet gratification) Some of which was BDSM, with Homosexual, Fisting, and 'Watersports' elements. Now laying aside the obvious 'You can get all of that in seconds on the net' argument this has thrown up some fascinating legal ideas. It is potentially fine to wee in your partners mouth, but not to film it and show it. Fisting is fine in the home and on screen, but as long as it only goes so far in... Hearing this discussed in dry legal language was utterly hilarious and bewildering...
(For those interested, it seems to be ok to show fisting that doesn't go past the wrist... but in order to make sure they aren't crossing the line, pornographers seem to operate a 'four-finger' rule... apologies to anyone enjoying a Kit Kat)

Despite the humour of this there is a serious side. Both this case and the Policies of Ricky boy seem to revolve around there being a 'Normal' kind of sex. A 'good' kind that we can all agree on, and anything outside that circle can be legislated against. Homosexuality tends to get the most severe bashing in these cases, but it doesn't stop there... Maybe you do like to wee on your partner... Or be branded.. or.. or whatever... and you can, at the moment, as long as you don't film it... which you might not intend to... but then again you might... and you're then potentially straying into criminality.

There is a danger that as soon as the law gets to decide what is right and wrong sexually, between consenting adults, who is to stop them extending... perhaps into more 'mainstream', but equally 'unproductive' habits? Oral sex isn't 'productive', it is pretty damn enjoyable though... but on this logic, why not do away with it?

Well... because you can't, people will do these things any way. Driving sexual practices underground isn't logical, it isolates people from education and health services and drives us back to a time best left buried in the sands of history... As long as you're both old enough/not 'vulnerable' nobody should have the right to tell you how you should fuck... even if that means one wearing the other like Sooty... and if you want to film it and sell it, that's also your business.

So, what connects the Republican Primaries to a UK obscenity case?
Basically, it's HELL of a lot of lube...

Opinion: ....as bad as each other?

This morning I noticed a strange thing on Twitter. A lot of people were posting disappointed messages that a Twitter rumour about an old Man meeting his demise were untrue and wishing upon him various painful outcomes.

I also read back through the 'Greeting' messages sent to another older gentleman who has very recently joined Twitter. There was a lot of artless abuse, much of it excitedly discussing the older man's death.

The interesting thing about these two unconnected tales of Twitter bile is that they generally split down political lines. Those who regretted the survival of an old man tended to be on the Right, those wishing death upon the old man tended to be on the Left.

Ok... Explanation time, and how you feel about this will probably place you somewhere in that Left/Right spectrum.
The man who was rumoured to have died was Fiedel Castro. It was a false rumour.
The Man who joined Twitter and was artlessly flamed is Rupert Murdoch. It is a verified account.

Now I do tend to veer left slightly, but I do not agree with Castro's method of rule, and his lack of transparent government is likely to cover shocking abuses of power. Still I would not gloat in his death.

Despite my politics I love some of the things Murdoch has brought us, not least the Simpsons. That said I still hate his other policies, his systematic attacks on the BBC etc... But still I would not wish death on him...

They have undoubtedly committed acts that are sickening to the sensibilities of those outside the 'circles of power'. But is 'death' even a good punishment for this... How about loss of staus? Intelligent mockery... Loss of the respect they so obviously craved.

Now looking back at that you may think I am attacking one group more than the other. 'Oh but he deserves it for......'
...and I'm sure they both do... Is it my place to give it to them?

I have made jokes on Twitter about Murdoch, and would undoubtedly do some 'Castro material' if I knew enough about him to be funny, that's the jocular, if slightly cruel egalitarianism of Twitter (Something Murdoch should love, given his mistrust of 'elites')

Wishing death on someone, or to someone, is a bad argument. Being rude is bad argument. Twitter is place for discussion, and even insults, but why so thoughtless, dull and vicious?

If you find yourself about to tweet 'I hope you die' to an old tycoon who you disagree with, or 'I wish you'd died' to an ageing statesman you'd rather hadn't gained power, here's a helpful hint.

Lefties: say to yourself, I'm not like those 'Righties' mocking the death of an old man, I will not post that, instead I will post something a lot wittier, that gets my point across without veering into the artless spite of 'The Enemy'

Righties: say to yourself I'm not like those 'Lefties' wishing death on an old man, I will not post that, instead I will post something a lot wittier that gets my point across without veering into the artless spite of 'The Enemy'.

...this advice is free... You're very welcome.