Opinion: The Breakdown of Greek Democracy? The answer: A Talent Show!

Has Democracy gone back to it's Cradle in order to have it's Breakdown in Comfort?

As strange as it seems, this may well be happening. There is a possibility in this election that nobody will win, or everybody will win... or a whole load of somethings like that. Maybe the 'Caricature Nazi Party' will win seats and be able to enact whatever bats-ass crazy policy they can dream up in their 'Extras in Mel brooks The Producer's Wannabe' Heads. Perhaps they'll just split it up into tiny bits and give some to each party, or even allow the whole kit and caboodle to be bought by a leading Olive manufacturer, sales of which have been booming since I decided they didn't like salty eyeballs filled with bin juice. Maybe all, Maybe Nothing. We'll find out tonight.

Or perhaps not. Maybe they'll just decided to run it again and again in an effort to create the world's first economy solely based on the 'ballot-counting' industry

As Greece is mainly credited with developing the democracy experiment, perhaps it's time for them to try something new. shake off the dustiness of the age old system, that in theory gives every man a voice, but in practice can give you Cameron, Miliband and... and.... the other guy... you know... the one person in Cameron's outbound text box who didn't get 'LOL' texts and is unlikely to be bussed to Glasgow to meet those Crazy, 'Facebook Loving', Polis they have nowadays.

Some ideas to get them going.

1: Turn the Tables

Take a few random ballot boxes, take a few Random Votes from them. Make these people run the country.
Kind of a Democracy in reverse. Instead of getting a representative for the people, just pluck a representative out of them, put them behind desks and leave them there until they manage to either stumble upon a solution, or, try to escape, fail to escape, realise that armchair punditry is all very well but there's actually a hell of a lot of reading to be done in order to even begin to understand what the hell global finance is about and finally die a natural and humane death from despair before being replaced by another luckless voter.

Of course anyone who does manage to sort out this situation, whether fisherman or stripper, should then be made Emperor for life.... they will have earned it.

2: Sim City Competition.

An obvious one. Why they don't already do this is beyond me. Sim City, for those who don't know it, is a Simulator, of a city. Still with me. It's a game that goes right back to the early days of computing. (Not Retro like you think it... Sonic isn't Retro, Street Fighter 2 isn't Retro... If it didn't come on a tape that was duplicated in somebodies bedroom, legitimately, because that's where the company was actually run from, it isn't Retro Gaming, ok?)

It tests your ability to run an economy, deal with finance, face down ecological crisis and environmental change and manage populations. Sound good?
I know I know, it's just a computer game, a simulation, but is it really a worse indicator of how good you will be at running as country than how good you are at spitting soundbites out of the front of your head without looking like something made up by parents to frighten children? (Poor, poor Gordon)

Maybe if more of our political class had been forced to spend more time in their teens staying in and playing lonely games of Sim City on tear soaked 8-bit machines instead of taking cocaine (or of course, not) and smashing places up for fun we'd have better politicians... or more likely just many more inadequate bloggers, only with richer parents.

3: Talent Show.

Ok... You don't like the computer game idea. Not real world enough, but there are very few other ways to test how good someone is at managing something as large as a country, except to just, you know, let them get on with it... elect them... and allow them to say they are staying put for the next 5 years so yah boo sucks to you and your oiks objections'

But have you ever noticed how people with one talent, often tend to be good at other things?

So why not choose people that demonstrably have at least one talent. Who knows, perhaps the years of concentration required to be a fire juggler is actually the perfect preparation for being a foreign minister dealing with angry German Creditors. Maybe the unflinching, inhumane cruelty of teaching a poor dog to prance on it's hind legs is exactly the sort of uncaring, emotionless mindset that you would need to decide which areas of a health service need to suffer cutbacks.

The upside for this is the people would still get a vote, and since the traditional way to hold this kind of vote is through premium rate calls and texts, if it proved popular it could save the Greek Economy. If it became a genuine hit the 'Greek Election Weird Talent Show Selection Thing' might become an exportable format, franchised around the globe. Then the Whole world could take part in deciding which 'Singer Who looks more Frumpy than You might be used to seeing', 'Unthreatening Multi Racial Street Dance Group' or 'Pitifully mewling and staring up at it's owner with fear filled eyes just five minutes before coming on stage, Dancing Dog Act'

I'm sorry if you think I'm being flippant, or uncaring about the plight of the Greek population, I'm not... Reality is doing that already... and of course democracy itself, which is, metaphorically, waving it's bare-ass in the face of the Greek Population and laughing... and weeping... and pissing itself...
Best of Luck to all of them.

Opinion: Could the 'Mayor Factor' Finally unite Right and Left?

I don't live in London.
Where I live, we have a Mayor. He is a fairly lumpy looking man, ruddy faced and 'Tory-looking' (in a friendly, rural sort of way)

You probably wouldn't know his name. I would probably spell it wrong anyway, even though I've met him... But he gets his job done, is approachable and understanding in the way that our local MP isn't. A political journeyman.

So... What terrible sin has London committed, that instead of a quiet and humble 'servant of the people' it has a tendency to attract candidates with a near-psychotic instinct to self aggrandise?

Ok... It's obvious who I'm referring to here, but lets look at the other candidates. Two Racists and a Green. I apologise to the 'Green' for putting her in such company, but as far as winning goes, they are fairly comparable. Sorry. Fact. Sadly, caring for our planet seems to be pretty much a 'niche' political objective.

For the Lib Dems, Brian Paddick. Now, aside from the fact that he is a Lib Dem, and thus unlikely to be elected to anything more important than 'token Lib Dem Voice' since their NHS betrayal, he also seems to suffer from that most evil of political maladies: dignity Blindness.
I salute him for being an openly homosexual police officer who has risen to such a powerful position. I salute him for managing to remain a Lib Dem throughout the coalition without tearing his own head off with his bare hands and rugby punting it into orbit.
But.
And it's a 'Big But': Nobody wants to have seen their Mayor on I'm a Celebrity chewing through whatever hacked off animal part they fed him... And this is the London Problem... The problem that is most apparent when you come to the only candidates with a realistic shot at the job...

Confession time. I like Boris and I Like Ken. Both of them. Both are very amusing men, and would be an amazing double act if they were given rival teams on one of those ubiquitous panel shows that the BBC put out in place of expensive scripted comedy these days.

When I lived in London I genuinely applied to be Boris Johnston's speech writer, when he was shadow Higher Education secretary. One of the questions was, and this is utterly true incidentally, 'write about a Trip on a spaceship'. I would have been good at that job. I hope he read my submission.

But despite this, neither of these men should be taking on this difficult job. Both have too much political baggage, trading on facial recognition alone. Also neither of them seem to have any control over their oratory functions. For both men to actually deserve the description 'gaffe-prone' speaks volumes about them.

And no, I'm not falling for that Genial Buffoon act Boris does, or the laid back Lefty Uncle who might have once met Joe Strummer bit from Ken. They are career politicians. And they have teams of diamond hard advisors around them, no doubt taking care of much of the actual shovel work.

I think that's my main objection. It's like electing a figurehead, not a Mayor. The man with most name recognition wins. Under this logic you could get David Walliams vs John Bishop. Both comedy/sporting/nearly-killing-themselves-for-charity heroes. Who would go on which 'team'? It doesn't matter, they would have as much real input as Nick Clegg has on anything.

Yes yes, we get the political team, but why have the figurehead in the first place? Surely both sides can put up candidates with some political weight, but who you could also leave alone with a reporter without them saying something that could spark an international incident.

That said, this competition has been funny. Watching commentators from both sides going through the motions of trying to 'photoshop' all the ludicrousness from their boy whilst calling out their opposites for doing the same.

All I've seen on Twitter for months is: Boris said this so we should back Ken (From the left) Well Ken stands for this so we should back Boris (From the Right) blah blah blee blah using official Twitter to campaign' blah blah 'He's an anti semite, honest' blah blah 'dodgy tax' (For both men) blah blah etc etc ad infinitum.

The 'debate' is as predictable as a metronome and has all the political insight of 'Beliebers' Vs 'Directioners', although at least those two can agree on some things, like perhaps that 'The sky is blue' whereas if one of our mayoral candidates stated this, his opposites would start briefing that it was actually Red that day, and he is a Racist for noticing the colour in the first place and anyway, when their candidate wins the sky will be Gold with falling riches...

The upshot of turning the Capital's 'Important Political Decision' into a personality battle, 'The Mayor Factor' is that it lends an air of shrill desperation to the campaign. A lack of 'real' belief. A Simon Cowell-esque cynicism.
Perhaps it's is time for both sides to sit down, as one, and raise the howl that must be locked in all of their hearts as they trot out the stale and unconvincing arguments for their candidate...
A piercing shriek rises from both left and right.
"Fuck me... Do we both not deserve better candidates than this!"