Opinion: All hail our new I.H.S Overlords! (Or how to use Jingoism to get TeamGB behind your wacky idea)

Bloggers choice: Today I had two things to potentially write about on here...

1) a light fluff piece gently mocking the N.H.S 'brand' proposals... based around an image that I find amusing

B) A strongly researched and controversial polemic about providing assisted suicide facilities to the physically healthy, but mentally shattered... this would not be a light read. It would be uncomfortable and heavy, like receiving a mercury enema in a gravity well...
Luckily, number 1 wins... fluff rules the day, it's easier to be flippant than to bother with serious research in this humidity to be honest... but stick around for that other one... it will appear eventually... and it'll be a 'Laff Riot' akin to Leigh Francis doing all of his 'character' at you... in a locked room... forever.

So instead of that I bring you fluff... and Fluff that will only deal in boundless positivity...

...and that might be tricky, because I'm planning a fluff piece about changes to the N.H.S... A subject that usually gets all sides in the political spectrum frothing incoherently... much like the 'pro-life debate' for the U.S, it is as divisive as it is obvious who is in the right.

Today the idea was floated to make the N.H.S a global health brand... a provider to the  world, probably on  the back of that very subtle advert Danny Boyle snuck into that Olympic Shindig... with Brand N.H.S's stock being so high it is no surprise that the world is crying out for merchandise: Bieber fans are throwing away posters of their hero and instead putting up N.H.S issue, 'standardised patient assessment sheets' whilst Lady Gaga was seen wrapping herself in N.H.S issue surgical bandage and saying: "Healthcare... I am a snake... the snake is art and my little monsters are provided free at the point of delivery... woop... I have a new single you know"
A phrase which 'Pop Linguistic' experts theorise may 'have something to do with the N.H.S... perhaps'

But how do you sell this idea back home. You could use 'numbers'... blather a load of statistics: 'if we blah blah in overseas markets blee blah blah we could improve investment in Bibble bibble Blee Blah and...'

Of course everyone in Britain knows that any number issued by an authority figure is likely to be utter nonsense... so... you have to appeal to something foreign and strange... something new to the national psyche, in order to  get slip it under the conscious radar and sneak it around the layer of cynicism that makes up 80% of the national character.
 
You have to appeal to 'National Pride'

Before the Olympics, the only thing Britain was honestly proud of was our self-depracation. Now... well... if Bradley Wiggins had asked for a peasants revolt... well, let's just say Westminster would have a row of head on spikes, the country would be renamed 'Team GB' and we would have our first, for life, genuine 'God-King'... and he would be a cyclist...

...and it is in this spirit that the Government needs to market this latest N.H.S change if they want us to really 'go for it'...

This isn't the old N.H.S, sitting around and waiting for illness to come to it, this is Team G.B.N.H.S and its going to chase down bad health, regardless of which country it's skulking in, catch it and kick it's putrid face off, before planting a Union flag in the glistening raw head flesh and singing a rousing rendition of 'Hey ]ude'...

Eventually we'd have Giant Robot Hospitals roaming the world on arachnid-style legs, firing anti-retroviral drugs into mouths of grateful H.I.V sufferers who weep and wave the new flag of the I.H.S, a clenched fist, clutching a syringe, punching a virus in the throat... however that might look.
On the horizon, a great flotilla of giant 'destroyer class' hospitals would rule the waves, surrounding a territory before bombarding it with sexual health advice pamphlets, prescriptions and quality assured surgical implements.

The commandos of this elite I.H.S could invade sovereign nations, bringing healthy foods and forcing a regime of cardio exercise onto people who are, in all honesty, slightly less appreciative than the H.I.V sufferers were.
But still, under the flag of the Great British N.H.S (Brand) they would be welcomed around the world.

The job, to make you healthy, even if they have to fuck you up to do it...

In fact people would be so joyous and grateful that they would spontaneously throw money at this I.H.S, so it could do that most implausible of tasks of being free at the point of delivery whilst still, somehow providing funding for the coffers back home...

The People of the U.K would love this new, go getting, health service more than ever... We'd cheer it on like an Olympic boxer that had won a gold despite 'only getting into the sport a few years ago'... we too would start buying the Team G.B.N.H.S merchandise... the 'official' catheter, the repeat prescription, the essential medical procedure...

...and it would all be so exciting that we'd probably even never notice that it was no longer 'National' or 'Free'...

Opinion: Look at the Fucking Pasty!

Who remembers the famous, infamous... In fact, Legendary 'Pasty-Budget' poor poor George O did in 2012?
Yeah... It was all about Pasties wasn't it? It was 'Pasty-this' and 'Pasty-that'... And then there was loads of stuff about Pasties at the end... Oh and he mentioned the word 'Pasty' seventy times at the start.

You DO remember... There were all the headlines the next day. George O's head photoshopped onto a massive Pasty. The Mail did a screaming headline about Pasties as did the Sun... The Conservatives were on the ropes, reeling under a barrage of left and right blows from the Media... And from Greggs of course...

That's how we all remember it isn't it?
Or not... Luckily for me I stopped looking at the Infinitely Alluring Magic Pasty being puppeted on a strings, inches away from my gawping facepiece, for just long enough to check previous blogs...

And... Well gosh-a-rama and crikey Fucksticks...
Pasty tax was actually a 'Fuck all' aspect of the budget. A relatively minor Own Goal in the 'Amazing Budget that Pleased Nobody'
I remember the Headlines being all about 'Granny Tax'... And then of course Cash for Cameron happened. Before that the forcing through of the NHS bill despite large-scale public resistance.

So what would you rather have?
Scrutiny over that, or, a few vaguely embarrassing soundbites by senior figures regarding the last time they ate a Pasty?

It's clear what the government would prefer and consequently we're seeing a deluge of cringe inducing 'stagey' questions about MPs snacking habits, each one universally failing to mention the crucial point, and basis of the entire ludicrous tax: was it a hot Pasty? Answer me Prime Minister! Was it 'Hot', 'warm' or merely 'Tepid'... Answer me! Newsnight should be fun this week

Obviously, Pasty tax is important to the manufacturers, as well as to fans of warm Cornish Comestibles...

But at the moment it seems to be most important for the Coalition... Derision is bad. Scrutiny is worse. As long as we're all lauging about D-Cam and Poor Poor George O we're not asking them all the tricky questions... We're asking them about Pasties... And instead of working, half of our elected MPs are, as we speak, racing to be snapped in a Greggs with a face full of pastry and an 'I'm JUST like you' Grin...

So...
Look at the Pasty... go on: Look, stare, gawp... With your EYES. look. Laugh
Ha Ha Ha. 'Pasty' sounds Funny. Top Tories are 'Out of Touch' Ha Ha Ha.
Now look at the Pasty again...
Watch it... it's warm... Look...
LOOK AT THE FUCKING PASTY!

Opinion: Dr God... Would he need to Advertise?

What would you say if three MPs from the three major parties wrote a letter to the Advertising Standards Agency saying that they demanded that the allow the advertising of 'Magic Spells' as a working, healing practice...

Well... You'd probably laugh loudly and disbelieve the notion...

Ok... What if they went on to demand that if the ASA couldn't come up with 'scientific evidence' that 'Magic Spells' do not work they would go to parliament about it.

You'd probably be twirling your fingers by your ears at this point, in a juvenile gesture that implies a mental issue. (But obviously in a vaguely ironic, Ricky Gervais fashion, whereby you are clearly not satirizing any specific condition)

Ok... What if those demanding, accepted that it didn't work 'all the time', but didn't seem to think that was a problem, and cited their own, utterly unverified experience as proof that 'Magic Spells' actually work.

By now you'd probably be wishing I'd shut up about it...

Ok, what if I told you these 'spells' were being uttered in the direction of a God... Most likely the Christian-lite deity of the Church of England

Well, the penny would drop, you'd immediately understand and you might even be moved to joyous applause at what a clever textual device I just used.

Yes, three honest-to-goodness REAL MPs, obviously with VERY little to do (I mean, we've only got NHS reform going on... Oh, and a budget... And Cash for Cameron.. And Leveson... And a Global Economic crisis... And Constitutional issues in Scotland... And... Oh... You get the point) are actually mounting the campaign detailed above, albeit without the 'hilarious' satirical diversions.

Anyway, these (alleged) 'Utter Fruitloops' are asking the ASA to change the guidelines so 'anyone' can legally shill God as a Healer...
They want it to be legally able to put out an advert saying: 'Prayer can cure your hidesously Prolapsed Rectum'... Or some such thing...

Ok... First. If you believe in God, you believe he can heal... No big shakes for a 'First Cause' of everything. Maybe he also has little to do and will drop everything to Treat your athlete's foot if you're too busy to go to a chemist... Maybe.

That said, does 'God' really need to be able to advertise? He is pretty well known around the world, despite the best efforts of the likes of Dawkins, the Late Christopher Hitchens and all that 'Science'. Seems open and shut to me. If he does exist, then all creation already serves as an advertisement. Surely to do more is at best 'gilding the lily'

Also, who are you to advertise on his behalf? Maybe he's got enough on his plate without you whoring his service to every dumbass with a cold. After all, in that world-view, he put all the illness there in the first place, presumably as part of his 'great plan' are you really that confident that you'd argue that he should 'heal' something he's obviously gone to great lengths to set in motion.

So... Bit presumptuous there for a start.

Now I'm an atheist, so maybe I don't understand all the arguments here. That said I would never want to insult a theoretical super-being by being a condescending fusspot who wants to 'stand up' for them like they were a poorly puppy at a rescue centre. This is supposed to be GOD. If he wants the ASA to lift this regulation, I'm sure he'd find away... If not something Old testament and grandiose, I'm sure he could at least influence the ASA directly... Why use try-hard MPs as a go-between, especially if they don't even have the faith to believe that God can 'get things done' on His own...

Perhaps they are just trying to piggy-back on the recent anti-secularism movement for their own ends, hence my decision not to name them (5 seconds on Google should do it)... If this were to be the case, I'm sure their God will see through such a shabby trick and punish them accordingly...

Speaking of 'Shabby Tricks' how about using unverified anecdotes for your point... I.e: my hand got magically healed... But asking for a full scientific investigation from your opponent? Pretty good that, particularly since the Church itself is loath to put religious ideas to the test under laboratory conditions. This is for the simple reason that it tends to put on rather a poor show. No. A wise person of faith accepts that they should let the world of science and faith remain separate, as the Kingdoms maintain, at best, an uneasy peace.

So how could the ASA prove that prayer doesn't heal... Particularly in light of the earlier caveat that it isn't always effective? Well, 'proving a negative' is difficult to the point of near impossibility... Oh and it's utterly unscientific as well... The correct way round to word that request is: prove that prayer does work...

Oh and you would need to keep that prayer a secret from the subject in order to rule out the Placebo effect making an appearance. (The most startling thing in medicine in my mind, a regular, earthbound and measurable scientific miracle... And one that is actually getting more effective as we continue to evolve)

So... To those MPs: if you submit 'Prayer' to the same process as medical drugs go through before they can be 'advertised'... And they pass the double blind trials at a rate that betters Placebo, then we can talk about your request.

Or... A quicker way to prove to me the 'Truth' behind the effectiveness of prayer is this:
Pray for me to convert.
If there is a God, should be simple enough to do... And I will immediately denounce this post as heresy...

Of course if I remain an atheist I will assume that prayer doesn't actually work and we can all go on with our lives.

Opinion: Not a Supporter of NHS Reforms? You MUST want to Kiss Trotsky on His Dead Mouth.

Who wants to be a Trotskyist, or a Trotskyite... Or whatever you call anyone who follows the example of Lev Davidovich Bronshtein?

Nobody?

What.. none of you?

Well... Chances are, if you have any critical words to say about Andrew 'Benny Hill' Lansley's NHS Reforms then you are a Trotskyismer... Or a 'Trot' as is the preferred dismissive terminology.

Ok... Well let's look at Mr Trotsky. He was a Marxist, He was a founder and Commander of the Red Army, He opposed Stalin's pact with Hitler and was subsequently assassinated by him in 1940, having been expelled from the Communist party and Exiled.

He dies 6 years before the establishment of our NHS. As far as I can see he makes no comment on it... or on anything of it's kind. No 'Trotskyism' appears to be more concerned with the act of revolution, and the establishment of a 'Working Class' led society. It is about Means of production, land ownership and all that exciting 'Commie' stuff. No mention of a provision of Universal Healthcare.

Would he have approved?

Maybe.. Maybe not... He probably wouldn't have liked our system, based as it is on a centralised power structure, with an 'Elite' sitting atop it, making the decisions. No he probably would have preferred the decision making to be deferred to more localised 'Cells'... Or not.. I mean.. The guy's been dead for more than 60 Years... He never saw a health service in action...

Why should he have had any opinion on it at all?

Ok.. Confession time. I didn't know any of this. I looked it up. I didn't know much about Trotsky before a few days ago, having been called a Troskyist/ite/ismer by someone for daring to say that Lansley looked like a fool running around a hospital, being heckled and then releasing the 4 most Staged looking pictures you'll see this side of a North Korean Dictator's Funeral.

Being that my only real understanding of 'Marxism' was from a literary criticism standpoint (Thanks Manchester Met Uni) I decided to look up what this 'Insult' meant in the context of the NHS. And what did I find?

It means nothing.. It's meaningless... A way of Screaming 'LEFTY' at any criticism and thus shutting it down:
"If you don't 100% support Lansley you are a Lefty Marxist, who probably looks and thinks like Rik from 'The Young Ones' and wants to find Trotsky's grave, disinter him at midnight and French Kiss his dead mouth and maybe feel his Bottom... No.. Probably feel his Bottom.. No Definitely"

Aside from being a 'Non-Debate' this is also less and less plausible... It's not just 'Lefties' who are starting to grumble about this... and it's not just 'Lefties' who are concerned with the way this is being bludgeoned through with very little support, and it's not just 'Lefties' who think that a bill with so many amendments is clearly unfit for purpose.

So.. a rethink is in order... and maybe actually 'listening' to people with opposing viewpoints instead of just plucking a historical figure from Marxism and applying his name to them.

If you don't do that and in fact you just want to forge ahead with your own ideas based on a series of shadowy consultations and staged/managed meetings... well.. In that case I'd say that you definitely Love Stalin... In fact you probably want to kiss him right on his dead mouth.... and probably feel his Bottom.
No.. Definitely...


(Ps.. Thanks to any of the people I've linked to... I don't really know the etiquette here.. but if you want any links removed, let me know... Oh.. and any Rabid Trotskyismerationers who know more about him, and disagree with my Wiki-Lite Research, let me know and I will correct where appropriate... Isn't Democracy lovely?)