Opinion: The Not-So-Current Bum (Or, 'news' without the 'new')

Today, that bastion of inestimable print jornalism, The Sun decided to bravely print pictures of a naked Prince Harry, caught in the act of 'Having Fun' in a vegas Hotel Room...

Some quarters are up in arms about this... it's all: "Post-Leveson" and "Intrusion" and "Blee" and "Blah"
Others are ecstatic about this... it's all "Post-Leveson" and "Press Freedom" and "Blee" and "Blah"

Anyone insane enough to have read this blog before might expect me to take the side of one particular set of Blee Blahs on this, and they'd have a point... I've never been shy in stating that print press is a running sore, and quite a dangerous one, spewing feculent puss into the trusting eyes of it's readers, and permanently warping the way they see the world...

I've never entirely bought that whole, 'we just hold a mirror up to the world' schtick...and the phrase that I am most proud of, as a writer, is the description of newspapers as 'Wanky Opinion Comics'... so I would scarcely call myself 'unbiased'...

(oh and I know this Blog is all opinion... that's why I put it in the title line... I also know that it's more than a little bit 'wanky'... but I never claim moral authority, and the only thing I hold a mirror up to is my own ravaged visage and then only briefly, before dropping it and shrieking...)

Anyway... although I don't 'like' the Sun in general and don't think they should have 'dun' it, it isn't for the usual "Oooh, Tabloids are Icky" reasons... in fact it's quite sympathetic... and I'd like to offer them some tactical advice... but in a nod to narrative convention I shall leave that to the end, hopefully forming some sort of conclusion that will make you nod to yourself in the cafe, take a sip of your 'victory' coffee and tearfully think to yourself 'I Love new Media'

So, perhaps as word padding, here are some of the reasons against publishing the pictures that I don't agree with/care a row of buttons about.

1) Intrusion.
I think it's fair to say that the 'intrusion' ship has sailed... thoroughly... in fact this ship has sailed, arrived, docked, been decommisioned and replaced by an airline service. That airline service is called 'The Internet' and it was airdropping these pictures whilst it's rival was still loading up the 'Limes for Scurvy'

This isn't a tabloid buying gutter pics of gussets, or doorstopping some poor unfortunate caught up in a celebrity affair, or even showing an 'evil' picture of someone accused of an atrocity, but who may well be innocent.. No... this is someone, allowed into the inner sanctum, armed with one of those 'oh-so-rare' camera phones the kids have these days... whether they were 'leaked innocently' or not, it still has more in common with a misjudged Facebook Pic going viral than a guy dressing as a comedy arab billionaire for stings.

No, the intrusion was that douche who brought the camera, and then let then pics onto the internet.... the currant Bun simply doesn't have the readership to beat it...

2) Respect for the Royals.

This... well I couldn't care less about respecting them. That's the Sun's job... I have nothing against them particularly, for the most part I don't consider them at all, until the media force them down our throat or someone uses 'Royal Assent' to ease us into a war. I find them a vaguely amusing tradition, quaint little set dressing that looks good on the periphery of things like... say, the Olympic ceremony... or that Jubilee thing... imagine that without royals... just a bunch of soggy boats and Paul McCartney singing Hey Jude... to himself... that would just be upsetting

The Sun seems to veer wildly in it's opinion, from serf-like deference, usually when some Johnny Foreigner makes some small faux pas against the myriad inexplicable social rules that surround them, all the way through to disdain for minor royals who dare to prefer theatre to war... (which, with a Patriarch like Phillip is probably the braver decision)...  all this via a pervish voyeurism, particularly if they are lucky enough to have some fresh, human DNA stirred into them and are thus 'attractive'...

So... I respect them to a point... but not as far as worrying about these pics... He looks quite good in them, fairly 'fit' and clearly enjoying himself... he is also clearly 'not a Lizard'... sorry Icke, no zipper down his back... fair play to the girls as well... he's a catch... nobody really comes off badly... except the douche who brought the camera and let the public into a bit of private sexy horseplay. The Douche..

The Royals just come across as a bit more fun... and therefore put off their inevitable binning for a few more years.

3) Questions of Public 'Decency'
Don't make me laugh... The posed mock up that they'd already printed trumps that thoroughly. Wealthy socialites being candid snapped is one thing, getting a 21 year old female intern to get her kit off batters that in the indecent stakes...

If there's a bare 19 year old pontifacating on the day's most intellectual stories on the third page, then the naked man ass on the other pages will do little damage to the moral fibre of the readership... in fact it might strike some necessary balance...
So what is my problem with this move?

Well, this may sound strange, but I thought the adversary more worthy than this... It seems like the move of a weak king, dressed up as a show of strength...

Ok... it's being pitched as a two fingers to Leveson... people in the News Int camp are saying this is the newsman taking back the news from the judiciary... it's bold... it's brave... it's the press rising from the ashes...

But of course it isn't... if they'd published on Wednesday that might be true, but now... too late. You aren't the brave boy who swaggered past teacher early on the last day of school, you're the ninth... and you're muttering 'But he did it first sir' as you display this defiance...

This is so disappointing to me. I like the Sun to know how strong it is... simply because it still fucking is... it is stronger than a gossip blog, or some little website... but it lets then take the flack and then claim that it's leading the charge...

Now... for me, they should have just styled it out... tried taking the moral high ground... say it isn't news anymore... because it isn't... it was on Wednesday... and quite frankly, in the position that all Print Media is in, I wouldn't be trying to emphasise how much braver, faster and more plugged in the online media is...

No... I'd be leaving that sort of bobbins to the anarchic world of the blogger and empasising all the advantages of print... whatever they may be... I just know that it isn't speed or bravery...
If you're admitting that a nerd in their bedroom, in baggy pants with food stains, can best your media empire... well, you start to look like an endangered species, a big lumbering thing... close to death and wheezing...

...and print media isn't there...

Well... not quite yet.

Opinion. OMG That Awkward Moment when your arrest is announced on Facebook.

So reports are saying Andy Coulson is apparently to be charged with Perjury in connection with what I have been 'legally advised' to call: That Tommy Sheridan 'Muddle'

By now you will be able to read plenty of tweets, blogs and 'proper' reports on the subject. All of these will be by proper journalists/bloggers, very detailed and full of knowledge, opinion and facts and 'stuff'... Stuff I'm genuinely not interested in, or able to provide... If you want that, you know where to look (everywhere)
Anyway, That's my get out. I know nothing about the case, and I can prove it... 

What is interesting to me however, is how this news was first released into the world.

Via the Strathclyde 'Polis' Facebook Page. 

http://www.facebook.com/StrathclydePolice

Yep, that's right. The first whisperings of this were on Facebook, conveniently placed too late to be picked up by the BBC News Headlines.

This is a wonderful development surely?

At last we can 'Like' an arrest. We can blaze a trail of internet pitchforks right to the arresting officers homepage. Maybe we can even say silly things in comments boxes that could prejudice an investigation,  be called 'Contempt of Court' or even get our dumb selves arrested (for what the media wrongly describe as 'Trolling', but which is more accurately described as 'Being a Total Cockwart')

Better still, the Arrestee could comment back. Perhaps a 'Sad face' or: "OMG That Awkward moment when you are woken up by police officers, driven hundreds of miles to Scotland, questioned and then charged with Perjury Allegations LOLZZZ!!!11"

They might even be offered a supportive message from a celebrity... something like "Keep Your Head up"

or "Sorry I couldn't be more Loyal"

They could do a special Instagram of the proceedings, with a special filter so the pictures look like it was in 'The Olden days'... you could even get the officers to dress a bit 'Ashes to Ashes' and go a bit Gene Hunt on you... 

If it took off, Huffpost could have a 'Top Ten Viral Arrest' lists, D-Listers would start to do petty crime in the hope of a few Retweets and shares... the really clever ones would go to 'Famous' Police Stations with good social Media strategies to maximise their network reach. There could be special agents to facilitate this.

It's a Win Win. The celeb gets coverage, the Police look efficient and both could sell targeted adverts... perhaps for emergency legal representation and 'Glasgow to London' Cab Companies.

And best of all someone goes, very publicly, to the stocks and we can all go about out business feeling that little bit happier and smugger and superior and... and just Better.... 

Unless, of course, they're eventually found innocent, upon which the entire internet is charged, as one, with contempt of court, 'Detained' and taken to Govan for questioning...

Opinion: The Scumbags Puppetshow.

Ok... I thought I'd got the hang of this blogging lark. Keep it light, dispassionate... amusing if possible. Thus armed I have proceeded to blog virtually fuck all. Seems what I needed is some out and out rage.

Today the News of the World Apologists have been out in force. It was previously reported that deleted voicemails may have given the parents of a murdered schoolgirl 'false' hope. This was blamed on a Private Investigator working on behalf of the News of the World. The previous information was provided by the police, and has since been amended. Now they no longer believe that he deleted those particular voicemails.

Ok... that is the premise. It is not known who deleted those voicemails, it is still believed highly probable that later voicemails were deleted by the P.I, Mulcaire, and the fact that he hacked the phone on their instruction is no longer a matter of any doubt.

So why the Crowing? Why the sickening screams of 'Poor Me' by apologists for the sick rag?

I am not in the industry. I am one of those members of the public that the tabloids always claimed to be 'serving'. I don't know how they work, I am learning now, thanks to the Leveson inquiry. The fact that it wasn't a particular set of voicemails that were deleted is not the issue to me. The fact that they hacked the phone in the first place is.

Now people are oozing out of the woodwork to say that if we'd have known that then, nobody would have wanted the News of the World to close. (To be honest, I don't think most people did... they actually wanted Rebekah Brooks to go.. but she didn't, she decided to close the paper as a, thankfully shortlived, stay of her own execution)

In my opinion this is a ludicrously simplistic view, and more than a little bit insulting to the other victims... Sara Payne? Victims of Terrorist attacks? Was nobody bothered about them? Not according to the apologists... we became a mob over that one incident, and hounded a respectable newspaper to death, over a few voicemails that they never deleted anyway...

No, this view isn't true... people are angry with the all of the hacking. They are angry with the way the management dealt with the hacking. They are angry with the way the media are covering the hacking. They are livid that the 'opinion comics' are telling them what they were 'angry about in the first place'...

Ok.. I understand, not everyone cares about hacking. But I do. I see Tabloids as a blight on the already tarnished reputation of our species. Opinion rags that celebrate idiocy whilst belittling science (Coverage of MMR being a fine example of this) that pursue political narratives under the cloak of impartial news coverage, that feign disgust over artworks whilst leering over young girls (Not 'people'.. almost exclusively female their targets... remember the amazing spectre of an attack piece on Chris Morris's Brass Eye Special, opposite a shot of 13 and 11 year old princess's in bikinis)... That cultivate an audience ignorance, whilst pretending they are responding to it...

I said earlier that most people didn't want the News of The World to close. This is true. I did though. I hate Tabloids. I hate the fact that they claim to be 'News'... They are gossip mags, nothing more and I hope to see them all close soon. If you want a gossip mag, there are plenty there that don't pretend to understand the economic impact of immigration, or European legislation... there are plenty that don't campaign to 'Out' Paedophiles whilst showing titillating pictures of young singing stars... there are plenty that don't straight out 'Make up' stories and then justify them by saying 'people want to read it'... If you want to print fiction... do it... printing fiction isn't unheard of, but tying your fictions to a living, breathing human is vile.

Apologies for this... it is a rant, not well thought out.. but I am genuinely furious. On Twitter I called Tabloids the Scumbags Puppetshow. The argument is that the audience want this kind of stuff so that justifies it, or that those on stage are doing 'bad' stuff and that justifies it... but with the increasing doubt over whether any of it is true it renders it all an illusion. In reality there's someone behind the curtains, pulling the strings and we are only just getting to see how much power they wield in this relationship.

They are the Scumbags, and I hope their whole industry fails.