Opinion: 2 Messy Break-ups at once...surely David Cameron is the unluckiest man who ever lived..

Now that the Olympics are well and truly over and the dust has settled, it's time to take a chilled, dispassionate look at all the winners and Losers... and for once it is utterly clear on this occasion who is who...

There’s something strangely perverse about feeling sorry for David Cameron. Never has a man appeared to be so designed for high office… presumably from conception onwards he was supposed to be 'the boss'... In fact this may have been one of the few occasions that the subject came up during the conception.
"I tell you what dear, if I hit the target with this little blighter, I'm sure our boy... and it will be a boy... will one day use his thoroughbred Genetics and inherited wealth to hold a fractional lead in a messy coalition Government"

Given that, my feeling pity for him must be roughly akin to a levied peasant in Egypt worrying about how the Sun God Ra is getting on with the other Gods.
But I do feel sorry for him. In fact I think he is currently the unluckiest man in the world...

... and here's why;

The Olympics, and lack of  political news have highlighted the fact that D-Cam appears to be going through all the trappings of a very messy break up… except in this case, he's in the impossible position of handling two ex’s at once. Two... and I can tell you that is the most unenviable position in the world.
Making it worse, neither are particularly subtle.. in fact, although very different, both are equally troublesome, publicity happy and keen to tell all of Dave's mates how he was "crap in bed and was scared to pathetic blubbing by the (utterly dreadful) Paranormal Activity films"

Well... Metaphorically speaking of course...

Nick Clegg has taken the route of the 'mopey fantasist' Ex... My personal favourite… He’s wailing about how it was 'That Bastard' who broke the rules of the relationship: "The bastard… *sniff* the utter utter bastard... but, we have to stay together for the children and... *sob*... and I still love him and you know… maybe If I lose that extra pound and *sniff* have my hair done he’ll still want me back… we can still make this partnership work... I know we can... *Massive theatrical breakdown*"

You can imagine Nick starting off the evening by getting ready to go out, putting on new shoes, spending a lot of his time making the new 'break up hair do' look ‘just so’, all whilst listening to inspiring power ballads.

But you can also imagine him ending that same evening having not gone anywhere. Eye make up running down the cheeks, looking at reception pictures of him and Dave in the ‘Rose Garden’ in happier days and instead of ‘I will survive’ he’s snivelling along to ‘The Winner Takes it all’ using an empty gin bottle as a microphone… But on the news.To the whole nation.

And then there’s Boris… The 'Other Ex'

He of course has gone completely the opposite way: genuine confidence, looking great, his new hairdo has worked a treat, and now the serious business of flirting with all of Dave’s old mates can begin.
Now when both of them turn up at the same party, like say, the Olympics, it's the Glamorous Bojo the crowd are all waiting for… nobody looks over at Dave at all, except with shifty, suspicious, sideways glances... and when Bojo finally silks in, all glittering smile and lush barnet, all the heads turn... even Dave's as he is briefly distracted from standing in the corner, trying to appear casual... and as if he still totally belongs there, whilst putting on his best 'Not at all bothered over here' face...

But all the onlookers know what he’s really doing there… You can imagine the conversation going something like:
Wealthy Tory Donor 1: "Oh god HE’s here.."
Wealthy Tory Donor 2: "Well I didn't invite him"
WTD1: "Nobody does these days.. I tell you he better not come over all jealous and make a scene..."
WTD2: "I know... he shows up everywhere... like a stalker..."
WTD1: "Well... I'm not standng for it... Look, if he even looks like he's going over there.. yeah... you just get between them… I reckon I’m going to go for the first dance tonight"

This is Boris being wooed by the city… (apparently)… the form this 'wooing' might take I dread to think. With our BoJo it could be almost anything. The upshot remains the same: some powerful people seem very keen that Boris should be the next Tory candidate to be Prime Minister.

How do we know this, well probably because a completely different group of powerful people have engineered a leak to make it look like the first group of powerful people want him in.. either way at least one group of powerful people genuinely think that their best interests are served with the Ex…
Poor D-Cam knows this… and even as he tries to show himself off at public events, being all 'over the relationship' and 'well casual' and 'proper virile'… he's still got that other ex in the background, snivelling: "No No No... We're together... you need me… we can be back how it was… the Coalition cannot fail..."

...and if you can't feel sorry for that predicament... well... you are either made of stone... or you're one of those ex's mentioned above... and if you are... and you're actually reading this... the message is simple:
"You go girlfriend..."

Opinion: David Cameron... Not really a Lizard.. It was a trick!

Yesterday Nicola Adams made History by being the first British Olympic Boxing Champion in the Women's event.

It was an amazing display of athleticism and will. She is a sporting Legend

Everybody watched it. Everybody enjoyed.

David Cameron was watching it. He tweeted a picture on the official Number 10 Feed.

Bless him. Even if it wasn't staged... Well... It definitely looked that way... and it was. I mean... Did he set it on a Timer and prop it up behind the kettle? Nope.

Photoshop/Visual Humour  GOD Beau B'Dor  kicked it off. I won't put his here. Suffice to say they are amazing.... and they would make mine look the amateur hour quick and dirties they are... 

But, I thought, This could be fun. So... Presented below are my contributions to this fledgling meme:

 Dunno what the fuss is about... he looks totally natural here...

David Cameron watching something to remind him of happier times..

Come on.. That Picture was BEGGING for it... I mean... Look at it.

Now... I don't think Cameron is literally a Lizard man... That is far too tin foil hat, even for me... But Come on... it looks funny... he looks like a Lizard. Like in V... or in David Icke's head... so it went down ok, and yeah... a few people passed it around. I got R.T's and even a few utterly uncredited prints of it on 'News Blogs'...  Hence I record it here, under my name.... It's a joke... a silly joke.

But The picture below that. David Cameron watching Boris Floundering in a River... Well that one didn't go down as well.. in fact it sank with no trace... Pity really, because with the time he's having with Boris recently... well, I imagine he would greatly enjoy watching the great White-Maned Woolly Wonder bobbing off down a river... smiling at the thought that, this time, he might finally be gone forever...

Opinion: Thank you for Romneyshambles!

Sometimes you're day is going lousy... It happens to the best of us... Today it is happening to me
Now what do you need to cheer you up?

Well.. how about seeing an American Presidential hopeful having a much worse day than you, perhaps  doing an overseas 'Goodwill' tour with all the success of the Griswald family's European vacation?

Ok... Balance time. I have very few opinions on Mitt... I think he has ludicrous religious beliefs... but that's fine... a U.S Presidential hopeful has to express belief in some nonsense witchery... yeah his particular brand of hocus-pocus is a bit more 'modern' and seems to believe the post-mortem conversion of holocaust victims to their religion is just 'Okey-Dokey-Fine'... but hell... all religions kinda believe that a magic man in the sky made everything, so I can let him off on that...

I mainly know him through seeing pictures on the internet and thinking... 'Oh, Morrisey has gone all American... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Ash from the Evil Dead looks quite old now... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Oh... Evil Corporate Elvis has lost a lot of weight.. but got quite Evil-looking*'

(*By 'Evil Looking' I mean terrifyingly rich, a state that is roughly akin to Evil for your average UK-er... oh and if you see these jokes elsewhere.. they are mine, but they are a gift to the world...)

As for his politics, well, let's just say: 'they are not designed for me'. If I were eligible to vote for him, I wouldn't... and he wouldn't want me to... we're very different politically. He's very rich and acts accordingly. I'm shockingly poor and act rarely....

So I can and will not comment on them...

Ahhh.. but catastrophic media strategy fuck-ups... that is something I can talk about... and rarely have I seen such Gold in such a short space of time.

Quick Recap.

1) The 'Anglo-Saxon' thing... He 'understands' us because of Anglo Saxon Heritage... Up to the minute their Mr Rommers.. Anglo-Saxon eh? That was a long time ago... but ok, aside from the eenie bit dodgy undertone of this comment... I'm sure you'll soon demonstrate that understanding. The Floor is yours Mittens.

2) The Ed Miliband 'Mr Leader' Thing... Now that may be a cultural thing, calling the opposition leader by his title and not his name, maybe, or it maybe a lack of home work... some have of course suggested that it means Miliband isn't a big player on the world stage... Probably true... but still... if you're meeting someone on a goodwill tour, maybe remembering the name of the guy you're shaking hands with isn't the biggest chore in the world...

Still.. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and imagine that he really does call people by a variation of their job title... 'Mr Driver', 'Mr Pizza-Man' or perhaps 'Mr Media Strategy Advisor who really should know Better'

3) The Olympic 'Thing'. Wow... just Wow... It has taken a wealthy American Presidential hopeful to finally do what the combined might of Sebastian Coe and LOCOG have failed to achieve. The UK have been entirely united behind the Olympic games by a few mild, but bafflingly ill advised comments about our ability to host this event... and jings, is he suffering for it now.

The comments are fairly mild really... nothing compared to what our own media have been saying all along. It's the rookie nature of the timing that is causing the derision. Insulting the host nation of the Olympics on your 'Goodwill' tour is pretty good. Doing it on the day before the opening ceremony, when the torch arrives in London and public support explodes is a master-stroke of shambolism... in fact I'd check your media team Romneo... anyone in there with the surname Obama?

Having done that he attempted to backtrack, using bemusing lines about looking out 'The Backside' of 10 Downing street, and saying that 'mistakes would be made' anyway...  But the damage was done... Then someone coined the term '#Romneyshambles' (Most likely @ldncalling, so credit there)

Romneyshambles is beautiful, because it conveys so much in such a concise way. If it doesn't make sense to you, Google 'Omnishambles' and then come back... I'll wait...

#Romneyshambles is now trending hard on Twitter. It is a license for people like me, who really have had little interest in Romney to make jokes, mainly for the sake of joking... But it isn't just zeroes like me who have been firing comedic pea-shooters at this particular elephant... some 'real people' have got in on the act:

He has just been 'called out' in Hyde Park, in front of 60,000 people by Boris Johnson. Boris-Fucking-Johnson... Let's just take a moment to reflect on that... A potential future President of the U.S got served by our very own Bullingdon Buffoon, now, that's gotta sting... (Who, rather hilariously, is now being accused of being a 'Communist' by some rabid Romney Supporters on the #Romneyshambles hashtag).

Cameron too got in a zinger about how it's much harder to organise this in a capital city, rather than 'The Middle of Nowhere'... perhaps a veiled dig at the whole 'Salt Lake City' thing... (Just so you know, a representative of the Mayor of Salt Lake City kinda Zinged Cameron back, by offering him a map to find it...)

Oh and even our Louise Mensch, the benchmark for bandwagon-leaping-zeitgeist-chasery called him an 'embarrassment'.... Others have said 'Apparently devoid of charm, warmth, humour or sincerity', 'What a total shocker', 'We are speechless', 'Total car crash' and 'Worse than Palin'.. Ouch, Ouch OUCH... that's gotta sting... and lest we forget, these are people sympathetic to his politics...  I'm not even going to go into what the Left have been saying...

4) The 'Fund Raising Evening' Thing. What is worse than your Fund raising dinner having a low uptake, so much so that you are reducing the admission from $75,000 to.. erm... 'free'... Well, here's something.. sending those free invites to the press pack and bloggers who immediately display the amended invitations on the internet. Big Ooops there. Quick lesson. Snarky UK Political Bloggers (Even those firmly 'on the right') will not let allegiance get in the way of breaking a cracking story.

So... Poor old Romney... I actually feel sorry for the guy...

I'm sure it's just a blip, and it probably won't effect his standing at home.. those that Love him obviously still do, and are blinded to anything negative about him... those that don't... well they don't.. and the exact same goes, they will see no positives...

But for me (who is having a pure rotten day all round), the site of a fabulously wealthy man,  performing the political equivalent of the 'Sideshow Bob rake' is at least bringing a smile to my face...

... and I'm sure he'd prefer that to 'pity'.. especially from the likes of me..

Of course... There is always the possibility that The UK have maybe... just maybe, royally pissed off a man who could one day be in charge of the largest Nuclear stockpile in the world... but even if that's the case, it will still put my, trifling, 'Rotten day' into perspective...

Thus I win...

Opinion: LOCOG... Organisation of Bond Villains or Trip Switch on the Buzz Machine?

I like the Olympics...
Yeah yeah... it will cost money... and traffic... and and... and all that whingery bobbins... but the coins are fun... Sport is apparently pretty good for you and the East London skyline is one of the few that might be improved by the addition of missiles...

Yes. It is expensive. But we are a large economy, no matter what certain Austerity fetishists might want us to think in order to force their agenda down our throats like a teeny-tiny, joyless skint-cock...

We probably can afford this... and why shouldn't we? Events like this are 'good'... The Olympics will be like the 'Leveson' of Sport... except with less obvious politically partisan posturing...
(Getting sick of the 'Like a Leveson of...' format jokes yet? I'm not... and it's my blog... so... erm... there...)

What about the transport in London?
Yep... and it usually runs so smooth as well...

Don't worry though... chances are there will be a hidden Champion... a secret Border Force, keeping down the numbers of visitors with extreme prejudice... I speak of the Shock-Troops of LOCOG.

http://t.co/ZCPDpYWn

I read today that The LOCOGATOR has forbidden chips to be sold within the barbed wire of the camp. Chips, it seems, are an infringement of McDonalds absolute right to the digestive tracts of anyone who even wants to think about the Olympics... Apparently they're worried that Chips might be confused with... with whatever those sad little strips of soggy potato starch are...

There is a loophole though... You can sell chips with Fish, but only with fish... So much for the Olympics increasing fitness eh?

So why not just ban any chips try that didn't taste pre-chewed? I imagine that in some shiny office somewhere, a meeting was held where it was decided that even the awesome power of LOCOG-THE-MIGHTY and 'that Clown' couldn't stand in the way of the voracious UK appetite for Fish 'n' Chips... or for that matter Crumpets, Royals and Casual fights with Strangers...
"Let them have their Fish and Chips... but GOD SAVE THEM if they try to separate those components" spake LOCOG of the Planet Buzzkillion.

But how might having an insanely protectionist group of copywrite obsessive's cut down congestion during the Olympics?

Well... why not try walking past LOCOG's heavy machine gun bunkers with a visible Logo? Try and take your seat at the Diving with a tasty Burger King... Try carrying ANYTHING CIRCULAR AT ALL (That may be confused with an Olympic ring) or something that say's '2012' in an unofficial font...

Will they let that slide do you think?

Going to the Games? Make sure you are wearing officially approved underwear... because if your brand haven't dropped a pound in the LOCOG pot... well... without any exaggeration, you would definitely be stripped, the offending pants would be stapled to your chest and you would be publicly beheaded at the closing ceremony...

I bloody love them there Olympics... Human achievement... stretching the individual... an excuse for people to receive Blinged-out Medals without having to earn them in rap battles... what's not to love?

That said, I can't shake off the sneaking hope that 'LOCOG the foul' succeeds in leeching all of the fun out of the event... that way I might be able to just walk straight in to the premier events in my 'Brand Neutral' pants from the market, whilst all the normal people with Logos are dragged, kicking and screaming, off to the Gulag ...

If I'm very lucky they might start imprisoning competitors as well... you know, for looking like they don't eat McDonalds often enough or something... and I can finally achieve the dream of winning an Olympic Gold... in an empty stadium... watched only by Logos... official Logos...

So three Cheers for LOCOG... and Boo to reason and sense and Freedom and anything circular that isn't a ring and anything that uses the digits '2012' without paying and begging and small Business who wanted to not have to change names and etc etc etc

(Incidentally, 'Trip Switch on my buzz machine' is a 'borrowed' joke. A friend told his girlfriend that's what she was... they are no longer together)