I recently got a job. I was brought into a university to assist with the implementation of a large scale I.T project.
Now don't worry, I won't give all the boring details, suffice to say that they'd tried it before and it didn't work... so they got me.
I'm good at this kind of thing incidentally. I can't really make computers do anything they weren't doing already, but I'm quite good at figuring out how best to use systems, and pretty good at getting other people to use them properly as well... I've done it in a number of jobs, always leading to a degree of success varying from 'partial' to 'dance in the street you've fucking nailed this one boy'
I have never failed at this kind of thing. Well not completely...
But then again I've never been brought in to get something working that just.. well.. doesn't...
yes. It's not working. The system itself is not designed to do what we want it to do. The other University faculties who claim they are using it aren't really.. and now I'm beginning to get pitying looks from my colleagues. When I joke that I have been parachuted in to the Titanic to look after the 'Iceberg' bit, they laugh.. but in a sympathetic way, not because it's a lame joke (It's pretty much a banger for our office) but because it's right on the money.
The IT department have refused to meet with me since I started, now they refuse to even take my calls. It's almost as if they knew it wasn't going to work when they bounced the project out of their hands like the hottest of hot potatoes, with a filling of grief and human excrement. I call and they howl 'It isn't our project, the registry is looking after it' before slamming the phone down so fast I can here the sonic boom of collapsing air in it's wake...
So how do I feel about it?
Strangely energised, excited even.. certainly not despondent (Although I do put it on at work a bit, otherwise they might think I was playing to lose). Despite the fact that I will box this one out to the end, the idea of it fucking up so royally has a curious fascination for me. I literally have no idea what will happen if the whole thing, and I'm afraid I may have to use a technical term here, 'Goes Tits'
I've failed at other things of course, but never something at work, something this big, something that literally has no alternative. If this doesn't work, there is no 'Plan B', no Deus Ex Machina will arrive to lift me out of harms way in a ludicrous contrivance. No I will be left 'naked' in the office, holding the Metaphorical equivalent of amy flaccid cock in my hand...
If you think the feeling of brinksmanship is exciting, of staying on the cusp of the whirlpool, just out of range of the fatal drag, is exhilarating, imagine what the heart rate does when your swirling into it's eye...
...and that's what I'm doing at the moment.
Of course I could still clutch a glorious victory from the jaws of this particularly large and hulking defeat. Sadly this is less likely that the next Pope being selected from the 'Mr Gay UK' finalists, no I may manage to clutch a slightly less overwhelming defeat from the jaws of annihilation... but for me that will be enough... If I end up with one shell shocked soldier, stemming the wounds on the bloody hamburger that used to be his legs, but alive enough to roll his eyes I will consider this one a triumph of bloody-mindedness over adversity...
Or More Literally, a triumph of me over an IT department who are the dictionary definition of the phrase 'Clutch of useless mimsy douchepumps'
Now don't worry, I won't give all the boring details, suffice to say that they'd tried it before and it didn't work... so they got me.
I'm good at this kind of thing incidentally. I can't really make computers do anything they weren't doing already, but I'm quite good at figuring out how best to use systems, and pretty good at getting other people to use them properly as well... I've done it in a number of jobs, always leading to a degree of success varying from 'partial' to 'dance in the street you've fucking nailed this one boy'
I have never failed at this kind of thing. Well not completely...
But then again I've never been brought in to get something working that just.. well.. doesn't...
yes. It's not working. The system itself is not designed to do what we want it to do. The other University faculties who claim they are using it aren't really.. and now I'm beginning to get pitying looks from my colleagues. When I joke that I have been parachuted in to the Titanic to look after the 'Iceberg' bit, they laugh.. but in a sympathetic way, not because it's a lame joke (It's pretty much a banger for our office) but because it's right on the money.
The IT department have refused to meet with me since I started, now they refuse to even take my calls. It's almost as if they knew it wasn't going to work when they bounced the project out of their hands like the hottest of hot potatoes, with a filling of grief and human excrement. I call and they howl 'It isn't our project, the registry is looking after it' before slamming the phone down so fast I can here the sonic boom of collapsing air in it's wake...
So how do I feel about it?
Strangely energised, excited even.. certainly not despondent (Although I do put it on at work a bit, otherwise they might think I was playing to lose). Despite the fact that I will box this one out to the end, the idea of it fucking up so royally has a curious fascination for me. I literally have no idea what will happen if the whole thing, and I'm afraid I may have to use a technical term here, 'Goes Tits'
I've failed at other things of course, but never something at work, something this big, something that literally has no alternative. If this doesn't work, there is no 'Plan B', no Deus Ex Machina will arrive to lift me out of harms way in a ludicrous contrivance. No I will be left 'naked' in the office, holding the Metaphorical equivalent of amy flaccid cock in my hand...
If you think the feeling of brinksmanship is exciting, of staying on the cusp of the whirlpool, just out of range of the fatal drag, is exhilarating, imagine what the heart rate does when your swirling into it's eye...
...and that's what I'm doing at the moment.
Of course I could still clutch a glorious victory from the jaws of this particularly large and hulking defeat. Sadly this is less likely that the next Pope being selected from the 'Mr Gay UK' finalists, no I may manage to clutch a slightly less overwhelming defeat from the jaws of annihilation... but for me that will be enough... If I end up with one shell shocked soldier, stemming the wounds on the bloody hamburger that used to be his legs, but alive enough to roll his eyes I will consider this one a triumph of bloody-mindedness over adversity...
Or More Literally, a triumph of me over an IT department who are the dictionary definition of the phrase 'Clutch of useless mimsy douchepumps'
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