Any Bloggers read this?
That is a moot question.. a set up really, like a comedian saying, 'People come up to me...' Which of course they don't. I've never gone up to anyone and said/did anything remotely amusing... and neither have you... and likewise you haven't read this Blog...
That is the great statistical probability. You haven't read this, none of you.. and even if you are reading this, statistically you actually haven't.. you can argue, but statistics are mighty, and they say you don't exist.. so you don't. If you divide 'Zero' into Bloggers and Non-Bloggers you get.. Well you get a confused Zero that doesn't know which column to get into, but you get the answer to my question.
Bloggers don't read this because people don't read this.
But a Blogger who did read this, if they existed, which they don't, would immediately understand the odd sensation that I am about to describe....
You have written a blog, like normal... You have published it and promptly forgot about it, because you aren't an internet obsessed lunatic (Any more). The next day you look at your 'Stats' and they've suddenly spiked. A whole bunch of clicks on your recent posting... Suddenly your heart leaps. There's loads of them. Probably each and every one is a Hollywood exec or a leading publisher looking for lazy novelists... You scramble to click to find out the more in depth stats.. where do my adoring fans come from, How did they get here...
Then the despair sets in... The list is full of referral sites with names like:
Vampirestat
Secretsearch
adsensewatch
...or just a strings of weird number/letter combos, that you just know hide anonymous links.
And where do all these take you.. why to clickbait sites of course. When you as a real person click to find out what these sites mean, you are registered as a hit on that site.. which means.. well I don't know.. I'm sure there's some money in it somewhere, but it seems a very long way round getting it, a sneaky, snidey, unpleasant and douchebaggy waste of space way of funding yourself... but I digress...
The disappointment you feel when you see this is horrible.. That big figure is worthless, in fact worse than worthless, it is a sign that a computer algorithm has designated you exactly the kind of little read sad-sack who would have the time and inclination to click on any link that come there way to chase down those oh so elusive readers...
Now, I have had posts on here do well... My most read post hit 6500, not much, but for a small unaffiliated wiffle blog, not bad... I have to say, that experience terrified me... Genuinely. I put a note down about a chap who had been unfairly dismissed for depression and it became part of the 'viral' story.. it was easier to post a link to my blog than explain the context in 140 characters.. so they did... and it flew... and I panicked...
But I would certainly trade that 'Sorcerer's apprentice and the Marching Brooms feeling' for the 'glance and shake head sadly feeling' that bumpirates such as Vampirestat and their ilk give you...
So hurrah for those days when you see that people used honest to goodness human search terms to find your blog.. even if they are odd combinations like (Genuinely) 'George Osborne Piss Bukkake'... and I sincerely hope that after the disappointment of this blog, whoever that reader is, found exactly what they are looking for... they may be a pervert.. a genuinely disgusting one, but they are an honest to goodness, genuinely disgusting, human pervert
And for the rest of you Vampire Bots... you can give up now.. I won't be clicking on your link... I'd rather see no hits than your forgery...
*Waits*
*Sees 'no Hits'*
*Weeps*
That is a moot question.. a set up really, like a comedian saying, 'People come up to me...' Which of course they don't. I've never gone up to anyone and said/did anything remotely amusing... and neither have you... and likewise you haven't read this Blog...
That is the great statistical probability. You haven't read this, none of you.. and even if you are reading this, statistically you actually haven't.. you can argue, but statistics are mighty, and they say you don't exist.. so you don't. If you divide 'Zero' into Bloggers and Non-Bloggers you get.. Well you get a confused Zero that doesn't know which column to get into, but you get the answer to my question.
Bloggers don't read this because people don't read this.
But a Blogger who did read this, if they existed, which they don't, would immediately understand the odd sensation that I am about to describe....
You have written a blog, like normal... You have published it and promptly forgot about it, because you aren't an internet obsessed lunatic (Any more). The next day you look at your 'Stats' and they've suddenly spiked. A whole bunch of clicks on your recent posting... Suddenly your heart leaps. There's loads of them. Probably each and every one is a Hollywood exec or a leading publisher looking for lazy novelists... You scramble to click to find out the more in depth stats.. where do my adoring fans come from, How did they get here...
Then the despair sets in... The list is full of referral sites with names like:
Vampirestat
Secretsearch
adsensewatch
...or just a strings of weird number/letter combos, that you just know hide anonymous links.
And where do all these take you.. why to clickbait sites of course. When you as a real person click to find out what these sites mean, you are registered as a hit on that site.. which means.. well I don't know.. I'm sure there's some money in it somewhere, but it seems a very long way round getting it, a sneaky, snidey, unpleasant and douchebaggy waste of space way of funding yourself... but I digress...
The disappointment you feel when you see this is horrible.. That big figure is worthless, in fact worse than worthless, it is a sign that a computer algorithm has designated you exactly the kind of little read sad-sack who would have the time and inclination to click on any link that come there way to chase down those oh so elusive readers...
Now, I have had posts on here do well... My most read post hit 6500, not much, but for a small unaffiliated wiffle blog, not bad... I have to say, that experience terrified me... Genuinely. I put a note down about a chap who had been unfairly dismissed for depression and it became part of the 'viral' story.. it was easier to post a link to my blog than explain the context in 140 characters.. so they did... and it flew... and I panicked...
But I would certainly trade that 'Sorcerer's apprentice and the Marching Brooms feeling' for the 'glance and shake head sadly feeling' that bumpirates such as Vampirestat and their ilk give you...
So hurrah for those days when you see that people used honest to goodness human search terms to find your blog.. even if they are odd combinations like (Genuinely) 'George Osborne Piss Bukkake'... and I sincerely hope that after the disappointment of this blog, whoever that reader is, found exactly what they are looking for... they may be a pervert.. a genuinely disgusting one, but they are an honest to goodness, genuinely disgusting, human pervert
And for the rest of you Vampire Bots... you can give up now.. I won't be clicking on your link... I'd rather see no hits than your forgery...
*Waits*
*Sees 'no Hits'*
*Weeps*
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