Opinion. OMG That Awkward Moment when your arrest is announced on Facebook.

So reports are saying Andy Coulson is apparently to be charged with Perjury in connection with what I have been 'legally advised' to call: That Tommy Sheridan 'Muddle'

By now you will be able to read plenty of tweets, blogs and 'proper' reports on the subject. All of these will be by proper journalists/bloggers, very detailed and full of knowledge, opinion and facts and 'stuff'... Stuff I'm genuinely not interested in, or able to provide... If you want that, you know where to look (everywhere)
Anyway, That's my get out. I know nothing about the case, and I can prove it... 

What is interesting to me however, is how this news was first released into the world.

Via the Strathclyde 'Polis' Facebook Page. 

http://www.facebook.com/StrathclydePolice

Yep, that's right. The first whisperings of this were on Facebook, conveniently placed too late to be picked up by the BBC News Headlines.

This is a wonderful development surely?

At last we can 'Like' an arrest. We can blaze a trail of internet pitchforks right to the arresting officers homepage. Maybe we can even say silly things in comments boxes that could prejudice an investigation,  be called 'Contempt of Court' or even get our dumb selves arrested (for what the media wrongly describe as 'Trolling', but which is more accurately described as 'Being a Total Cockwart')

Better still, the Arrestee could comment back. Perhaps a 'Sad face' or: "OMG That Awkward moment when you are woken up by police officers, driven hundreds of miles to Scotland, questioned and then charged with Perjury Allegations LOLZZZ!!!11"

They might even be offered a supportive message from a celebrity... something like "Keep Your Head up"

or "Sorry I couldn't be more Loyal"

They could do a special Instagram of the proceedings, with a special filter so the pictures look like it was in 'The Olden days'... you could even get the officers to dress a bit 'Ashes to Ashes' and go a bit Gene Hunt on you... 

If it took off, Huffpost could have a 'Top Ten Viral Arrest' lists, D-Listers would start to do petty crime in the hope of a few Retweets and shares... the really clever ones would go to 'Famous' Police Stations with good social Media strategies to maximise their network reach. There could be special agents to facilitate this.

It's a Win Win. The celeb gets coverage, the Police look efficient and both could sell targeted adverts... perhaps for emergency legal representation and 'Glasgow to London' Cab Companies.

And best of all someone goes, very publicly, to the stocks and we can all go about out business feeling that little bit happier and smugger and superior and... and just Better.... 

Unless, of course, they're eventually found innocent, upon which the entire internet is charged, as one, with contempt of court, 'Detained' and taken to Govan for questioning...

Bleak Opinion: Outrage Jockeys.

We are used to being outraged by Politicians on twitter.

Some of us are genuinely shocked by it. Some of us expect it. Some savour it. Some actively encourage it. Some actively 'seek out' outrage, where there is none.

I'll let you decide where Nadine Dorries latest 'Outrage Offering' sits.
Just so you know, it was to do with an after party for her appearance on 'Have I got News For You', the preferred forum for picking prospective candidates in the London Mayoral Elections. The other Guest was the Comedian, Reginald D Hunter.

Dorries: I have now left the HIGNFY after party. As I looked over my shoulder, Reginald D Hunter was talking to my daughter.#wheresmyshotgunman


When Challenged she replied:  it was something Reg would laugh at.I suggest you watch the prog and refrain from comment until you have.


So I will. No I actually will. I'll admit my jaw dropped when I read it. But I thought about it and I'll wait and see what the show throws up.
But I don't think it can possibly 'harm' her career in the way that some people seem to be suggesting.

Look at Boris... Look at Ken in fact... even poor Brian Paddick...  I wasn't joking about Have I got News for You being a forum for the major parties to get candidates out to non political audience... and that's major candidates for major parties. Imagine some of the publicity junkies we've got hidden deep within the party machine, waiting to 'reveal' themselves... in the niche parties...

Lets be honest. Of this type, the 'crazies' are the funniest, the ones that spit ludicrous soundbites are the most memorable... Each tedious outrage is just another reinforcement that this or that politician actually carries weight in the public sphere. It's a 'Force Multiplyer'. The exact opposite of a distraction tactic.

So, what will happen?

Maybe the HIGNFY appearance will be a comedic triumph,  and put in context the tweet becomes a 'callback' to a gag in the show, or perhaps an entirely innocent play on words (Shotgun Wedding?). Which means she's pulled a very sophisticated move. Win for Dorries. She is not a racist, she is a 'Wit'

Most likely, nothing happens. The show is unmemorable. Something else occurs, blotting the whole event from the collective conscious. Maybe she'll get such a leathering that it will appear that the Tweet has already been 'punished' by the other members of the panel. The comment may still have no real connection to the show, but it might just 'Blow over'.. it was just a misfired joke.

Worst case for her:  The appearance is a disaster, establishing the Tweet in context as 'malicious', 'bigoted' and 'Racist'.  She is disgraced and shamed... Maybe even sacked, humiliated and reviled. This is what some people are suggesting might actually happen.

Then What?

Later she will be 'remembered'... She'd get another job... maybe as a columnist. She will maintain her blog, and continue to raise her profile. She will keep some support. More than likely she will be elected to something. Probably sooner rather than later. For those of you who think that making a horrifically inappropriate remark on Twitter will lose you all support, I dare you to search the hashtag #Banter on Twitter. Your answer is there.

If anyone could politically survive that, it's her. She appears to be one of those savvy MPs who have embraced social media as a platform and have an innate understanding of the nature of memory. If you can get the public 'interested' in you, in even the most tenuous and bizarre way, you stand far more of a chance than even the most able of 'political minds' in any election held amongst human beings, no matter what your actual beliefs are... You can always raise your profile with one section of the public or other, even if that simply means hammering yourself into them at every opportunity with a divisive opinion... Like your average Daily Mail columnist, she could become a part of the public consciousness mainly by her constant appearance in trends, timelines and online news, being outrageous and being written about.... and each event, positive or negative, making her seem more 'important'

...and here I am at 2:00 am, Writing about her...
Bleak.

A Fiends Errand: Operation Instagram (Part 2)

Ok everyone, I'm sure you all remember when we instigated part one of this (my) fiendish scheme. We were all sat, much as we are today... I had just finished my 'day job' as a superhero/astronaut (Who lives on the moon and is 'anything proof')

I remember saying. "Ok everyone. Let's make Instagram really really popular". You must remember, it was in October 2010. I recall distinctly saying, "you should all use this app... now"... I said it on Twitter.... I think. It was late at night... Probably.

Anyway, a lot of people did decide to use it.. It's something to do with drastically reducing the quality of the pictures taken on your very expensive smartphone... or something... I've never used it myself and know nothing of what it actually does...

Anyway, we got it really really popular. And of course by 'We' I mean 'I' because I said that you should all use it... So it was my idea... Got that?

So... Enter the chaps behind Facebook. They want this 'Whatever it is' and have offered a cool Billion for it... That's Dollars by the way. U.S at a guess. They must really like filtered images.

So now it's time to reveal and enact part 2 of this fiends errand.

Hear this: "Everyone can now cease using this App. Instead use any of the myriad other ways that you can convey your own personal Gawp onto the net, albeit without a slight tint that makes it look 'all older and stuff', Then we can all sit around and watch that valuation crash through the Earth's Crust, creating a tunnel that we can then use for trade and tourism"

(In Internet Business Ju Jitsu this move is known as the 'Myspace Jettison')

Oh... and incidentally, I know some 'cynics' are suggesting that Facebook don't really love 'Images that look a bit like they were taken on a real camera, only not really if you look for anything longer than a second' so much they're willing to spend a fortune and are, in fact, just buying out a competitor before it becomes too threatening. If anyone does believe this to be the case I would suggest everyone stop using Facebook as well... just in case.

Now, having said 'a Thing' I can now claim 'Bloggers Prerogative' and if anything even approaching any of this comes to pass I will claim I predicted/originated it. In fact, If even one person stops using either site... ever... for any reason at all, I will now claim to be right on all things...

I am a Blogger, and we do that.

Opinion: Look at the Fucking Pasty!

Who remembers the famous, infamous... In fact, Legendary 'Pasty-Budget' poor poor George O did in 2012?
Yeah... It was all about Pasties wasn't it? It was 'Pasty-this' and 'Pasty-that'... And then there was loads of stuff about Pasties at the end... Oh and he mentioned the word 'Pasty' seventy times at the start.

You DO remember... There were all the headlines the next day. George O's head photoshopped onto a massive Pasty. The Mail did a screaming headline about Pasties as did the Sun... The Conservatives were on the ropes, reeling under a barrage of left and right blows from the Media... And from Greggs of course...

That's how we all remember it isn't it?
Or not... Luckily for me I stopped looking at the Infinitely Alluring Magic Pasty being puppeted on a strings, inches away from my gawping facepiece, for just long enough to check previous blogs...

And... Well gosh-a-rama and crikey Fucksticks...
Pasty tax was actually a 'Fuck all' aspect of the budget. A relatively minor Own Goal in the 'Amazing Budget that Pleased Nobody'
I remember the Headlines being all about 'Granny Tax'... And then of course Cash for Cameron happened. Before that the forcing through of the NHS bill despite large-scale public resistance.

So what would you rather have?
Scrutiny over that, or, a few vaguely embarrassing soundbites by senior figures regarding the last time they ate a Pasty?

It's clear what the government would prefer and consequently we're seeing a deluge of cringe inducing 'stagey' questions about MPs snacking habits, each one universally failing to mention the crucial point, and basis of the entire ludicrous tax: was it a hot Pasty? Answer me Prime Minister! Was it 'Hot', 'warm' or merely 'Tepid'... Answer me! Newsnight should be fun this week

Obviously, Pasty tax is important to the manufacturers, as well as to fans of warm Cornish Comestibles...

But at the moment it seems to be most important for the Coalition... Derision is bad. Scrutiny is worse. As long as we're all lauging about D-Cam and Poor Poor George O we're not asking them all the tricky questions... We're asking them about Pasties... And instead of working, half of our elected MPs are, as we speak, racing to be snapped in a Greggs with a face full of pastry and an 'I'm JUST like you' Grin...

So...
Look at the Pasty... go on: Look, stare, gawp... With your EYES. look. Laugh
Ha Ha Ha. 'Pasty' sounds Funny. Top Tories are 'Out of Touch' Ha Ha Ha.
Now look at the Pasty again...
Watch it... it's warm... Look...
LOOK AT THE FUCKING PASTY!