Internet startup: Inanity beyond death... How to continue to babble from beyond your, richly deserved, grave...

For those few people who have read this blog more than once (stalkers, sexual deviants lured in by odd search terms, blog favourite #TeamBozier and the like) I may come across as a 'Tron-Like' figure... a man made of  light and wires, who zips around and unreal social media universe on his lightcycle... or special effect 'line'... without a care in your dull, matter-based, human world...

But of course I do have a 'care' in that vile human world, with its 'smells', unusual impulses and personal stickiness and no matter how much I try to ignore it, it stubbornly refuses to stop existing... a great big lumpy, fleshy 'care' that needs to be tended and fuelled and generally maintained whilst reacting in all sorts of disturbing and unpleasant ways to various stimulation under the smug excuse of 'emotional response'

Yes I am talking about the skinsack that holds all the important bits together, my body... the envelope that contains the 'essential me' on it's tedious journey from birth to death, via a series of trips to chain coffee outlets and bouts of existential despair. There is no upgrade scheme for this piece of hardware incidentally... and the only people seriously looking into separating the useful parts from the meat bag are 'Astral Scientists' who seem to think the solution involves smoking weed and engaging in marathon staring sessions at patterns from old, failed cultures they pretend to understand... as opposed to my preferred solution which involves highly invasive and destructive surgery and a 70 foot tall mechanical body..

Yes, ALL of you internet people are, like me, attached to a load of biological processes in shoes... which will, like all inferior biological technology, clap out on you one day... it will die..completely.. and there is no way off stopping it, and there's no reboot... it will be gone, but the real you... the internet you, will just continue to exist, trapped in limbo without those fleshy sausages to press the buttons that allow it to be...

But it doesn't have to be this way...

And that's where my new start up business comes in... for a small cash cost and an incredibly dangerous operation we will attach sensors to all of your major organs. When these notoriously temperamental bio-components finally, and inevitably wear out, a signal will be sent to our HQ and one of two of our exclusive packages will be activated.

1) Basic 'Last words' package.
On our cheapest package, the exact moment you die, one of our operatives will seize control of all your social media profiles in order to process that final update... this can be a factual appraisal: Cause of Death*, time etc... a profound comment, either self composed or created with one of our crack team of greetings card inlay writers...

Of course, death doesn't have to be a downer. you could go for something 'lighter' like: "Dead now, LOL" or perhaps "All your grave are belong to me"

If you happen to have complicated legacy arrangements that involve pirates, traps or haunted houses you could use this service to give your grieving relatives that first, fun 'starter clue'... the limits are only your imagination... and of course the psychological frailty of your next of kin...

*Note, the 'factual appraisal' option is not recommended for all and we cannot be held responsible for any breakdowns and/or copycat suicide/murders resulting from your nearest and dearest reading that you have just ’passed on’ due to severe rectal trauma, dressed as a girl guide in the shopping precinct of Ipswich town centre...

2) Our premier service works in exactly the same way as the budget one, except... it won't stop! Instead, our highly advanced bank of computers will analyse your posting style based on criteria such as: Overall inanity, fondness for pictures of cats, misunderstanding of what the word 'troll' means in an internet context, weird belief in conspiracies... etc etc...

Then the magic happens...

After a curt announcement regarding the (not especially) 'sad' demise of your sagging protein vessel, your social media  accounts will continue 'as normal', but with our machines matching your posting frequency and style, but obviously surpassing your pitifully inadequate 'human' wit, wisdom, profundity and spelling... for ever... and ever... and... well you get the point...

Sounds good eh?

Now to ask Louise Mensch and Go #TeamBozier if they want in...
We will make this happen... for you...

Opinion: David Cameron... Not really a Lizard.. It was a trick!

Yesterday Nicola Adams made History by being the first British Olympic Boxing Champion in the Women's event.

It was an amazing display of athleticism and will. She is a sporting Legend

Everybody watched it. Everybody enjoyed.

David Cameron was watching it. He tweeted a picture on the official Number 10 Feed.

Bless him. Even if it wasn't staged... Well... It definitely looked that way... and it was. I mean... Did he set it on a Timer and prop it up behind the kettle? Nope.

Photoshop/Visual Humour  GOD Beau B'Dor  kicked it off. I won't put his here. Suffice to say they are amazing.... and they would make mine look the amateur hour quick and dirties they are... 

But, I thought, This could be fun. So... Presented below are my contributions to this fledgling meme:

 Dunno what the fuss is about... he looks totally natural here...

David Cameron watching something to remind him of happier times..

Come on.. That Picture was BEGGING for it... I mean... Look at it.

Now... I don't think Cameron is literally a Lizard man... That is far too tin foil hat, even for me... But Come on... it looks funny... he looks like a Lizard. Like in V... or in David Icke's head... so it went down ok, and yeah... a few people passed it around. I got R.T's and even a few utterly uncredited prints of it on 'News Blogs'...  Hence I record it here, under my name.... It's a joke... a silly joke.

But The picture below that. David Cameron watching Boris Floundering in a River... Well that one didn't go down as well.. in fact it sank with no trace... Pity really, because with the time he's having with Boris recently... well, I imagine he would greatly enjoy watching the great White-Maned Woolly Wonder bobbing off down a river... smiling at the thought that, this time, he might finally be gone forever...

Anti-Viral: Dumb-ass Nostalgia Posts... or 'Hit like if you also used to Put your face in a bucket of wasps, broken glass and Sulphuric Acid'

Hello...
Welcome to the first in an irregular series in which I, your splenetic and bilesome narrator, attempt to hook, land and gut the most nauseating memes that float past my beady eye...

First up... Those 'wasn't the time of MY childhood great' messages that Facebook vomits periodically into my timeline once or twice a week...

They are usually put there by people who haven't bothered reading them to the end... I don't blame them... Aside from a sentimentality that is so cloying that even a scouse Peter Kay fan might regard them as a 'bit too Mawkish', they then throw in a weird 'Daily Mail' style 'Cor Blimey that safety thing is a bit Silly isn't it?' attitude to further lose any touch with reality..

If you're on a social network, you will have seen a variation of this meme. They usually turn up with half a million 'likes' and a closing line that says something like:
'Share if you drank from the garden Hose and survived'
'Hit like if you went hungry for refusing your Mom's food'
'Hit like and share if you think that progress and increased wellbeing is shit and you would actually rather time go backwards to a fantasy, 'Lord of the Rings' when you could juggle chainsaws on a bike without a helmet down an unlit road with no phone or medicine without the PC brigade jumping on your back'*
(*well... that's the Subtext anyway)

That in mind I wrote this and sent it into the world...

"My Curfew was when it got dark, even though I had no idea what the word 'Curfew' meant and the fact that 'When it gets Dark' changes year round, meaning it was often grossly unfair and arbitrary. 

When it was time to come in I had to go immediately and if it was late I would worry my Mum, because there was no easily obtainable, portable, communication device that could have allayed her fears... and when we were chased by what used to be called a 'stranger' (statistically, a more common occurrence then than today) there was no way to get help other than screaming for it through a haze of tears and snot.

Infant mortality, abductions and violent crime were higher, but there was no liquid soap.. so that was better... right?

Oh and although you could get your mouth washed out with soap for being 'cheeky', you probably wouldn't for being Racist, Sexist or Homophobic, because that was the staple of 'Entertainment' shows and was thus Okey-Dokey-Fine. 

Yes, I rode a bike without a helmet, and the two times I crashed it it was dumb, blind luck that saved me from death and not well-made safety equipment.

Getting Dirty was ok, but due to the less advanced washing machines/detergents of the time, getting your clothes dirty was not... oh and incidents of filicide through 'Zealous Discipline' were also far far more common...

Click Like if You too have a deluded and vaguely sinister attachment to a period in history, insisting it is somehow 'better' just because it was when you were young!"

I'm guessing my half a million likes and shares are stuck in an internet pipe somewhere. I can wait...

Do I have a point or am I just being a sarky clever clogs?

Well...a little from column A, little from Column B...

I am a sarky clever clogs, but my point is... Things are getting better, both in this country and across the globe. Crime is going down, diseases have better survival rates, base level of poverty is nowhere near the level of even twenty years ago... that isn't to say there isn't more to be done, just that you can only do that by looking forward... the good things in the past are already being built on, that is what progress is....

Part of that progress is an increased awareness of the need for Safety controls for workers... Now, many will confuse this with spurious liitigation by ambulance chasing lawyers... but, like the much maligned 'Political Correctness' it is a neccesary framework to establish, even if (like any framework ever) it is sometimes used by unscrupulous dipshits for their own ends, unaware that they are ruining everything for everyone.

To summarise there was never an EU law stating you have to wear goggles to play conkers, just as nobody ever banned Christmas... but there were three maintanance men slowly roasted to death in a belt fed bread oven (over the course of an hour long  cycle) after the correct procedures were not followed in order 'to save Time'...

I remember my childhood... it was bloody ace...
And the past in general... fantastic...
But, If you don't think you are living in the best of all possible times, (excepting that which comes after), you are either: not looking at the evidence or allowing a nostalgia for your own youth to utterly cloud your judgement...

Opinion: Boris... Just Boris

Boris Johnson is a phenomena.

Yesterday he was being touted by the Telegraph as a strong candidate to Usurp David Cameron before the 2015 Election, having wooed party Donors his way with a 'Strong Pro Business' stance.

Did I say strong? I meant utterly frenzied, even going to the utterly 'Balls Out crazy' move of inviting Rupert Murdoch to be his personal guest at the Olympics... 

To appreciate just how 'Strong' a 'Pro Business' gesture this is, just remember, A) This Billionaire Mogul isn't exactly at his most popular at the moment and B) Boris is responsible for the Met Police, who are currently in the middle of investigating News Corp (amongst others) over various things, and are themselves under pressure, having been accused of complicity in some of the things they are now investigating...

So... Yesterday he seemed unstoppable. The city had their boy, willing to perform a very very PDA with one of the most divisive figures in U.K business, they were misty-eyeing at him like the nerdy library kid gawping the pretty girl who wouldn't speak to him*... potentially it was just a matter of getting the public to fall for him in the same way...

Today...
Well Today... This:

Now some people are writing off his chances. Guffawing at him...
'Oh look at the Silly Dangling Man'
'He can never win... Look at him... He is a Silly... a Silly...'

Be warned though, don't write him off... This is Meat and Gravy to this man...
Don't forget he was swept to victory as Mayor of London on a Platform of: 'Being Quite Funny on Panel Shows' and being 'Less Sickeningly Odious than Ken Livingstone'
Now you may not think that is an adequate enough skillset to lead a country... and you'd be correct...
But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen...

Even Cameron was forced to admit it: "If any other politician got stuck on a zipwire it would be disastrous. With Boris it's a triumph."


...and I imagine that quote was uttered through teeth so gritted that the merest agitation would have caused them to shatter into microscopic fragments. Whilst it is true that Duncan praised Macbeth before the regicide, it is slightly more unusual for him to cheer him on between stabbings.

Before the Mayoral Election I begged London to not vote for him. I obviously didn't have as much influence as I hoped... I should also note that I begged them to avoid voting for Livingstone, but it would be a bit suspect to call what happened a win for me...

I feel there is a genuinely worrying trend to put personality before ability in politics these days. Tories will lay the blame at the feet of Tony Blair, Labour will claim that Thatcher did it first, (Like so many of the 'Things Tony Did')... The Lib Dems... well they'll say.. something... probably something that sits between the two and means nothing...

Could the Country do this on a larger scale? Would they gamble the future of our nation on a man who most closely resembles Wurzel Gummage before he became an enchanted scarecrow?

Well... People like Boris... He is a surprisingly good public speaker for someone who has a default setting of 'Incoherent'. He knows how to get a crowd going, witness his 60,00 person bitchslap of Mittens Romney... and he can laugh at himself, evinced by his sterling buffoonery/recovery whilst hanging over his city like something from a rejected line of Bullingdon christmas decorations...

Will they vote for him?

Of course.. they voted for him in London... and he is clever.. he is one of the few to take an important lesson from American Politics, the 'Dubya' lesson that nobody else has ever been brave enough to utilise: In times of crisis, people tend to have more trust in those who they feel are less intelligent than themselves.

Of course, anyone who thinks this about Boris, but doesn't happen to work at CERN, is utterly wrong. He is highly educated, strategic and has cultivated this persona for years... and besides, he has advisors for any of the really hard stuff... by any measure he is more intelligent than most. But the perception is unthreatening: How could he possibly be tricking us? He'd forget and blurt out any nefarious plans before tripping over and grabbing the breasts of a female assistant in a 'hilarious carry-on' Manner...

So, he has the vote of the 'Banter' brigade... even if anyone who uses that word in the positive is arguably so witless as to not deserve oxygen, let alone any deciding power over the future of our country.

... and The 'Average Tory' voter?
Well... he does poll well amongst the rank and file. He is seen as being more Tory than the Neo-Blair Conservatism of Cameron... and besides.. Cameron is just that bit too shiny and airbrushed (Both in real life and in campaign literature)... He's a middle manager... lift muzak... the human equivalent of an Ikea shelving unit... perfectly functional and well designed, but nothing too exciting...

Boris on the other hand is a Rocket Powered Union jack painted Grandfather Clock, almost a caricature of 'Dribblingly Insane Ruling Class'. Where Cameron wouldn't follow a 'Conservative' idea out of the door if Public Opinion was raining too heavily, Boris... Well Boris would throw himself straight out of the window... and with his luck he'd land squarely on his feet, the idea in his hand and a rose in his teeth... and Public opinion... well it would Laud him... because he's Boris... and that's just what he does...

...and Labour... what can they do?

Well. They can only hope that the Public fall out of love with him... because, with the ammo they're currently packing, they aren't going to win the battle of personalities any time soon... and any attempt to ridicule Boris or conventional attempt knock him off his pedestal will only increase his 'Clown-Shoe' Cache.

So what do they have left?
They need to find their own Lovable chap who doesn't take himself too seriously, who can raise a crowd into a US style woop and who doesn't mind cultivating a ridiculous persona, whilst using it to cloak a genuinely astute political brain...

... to me that sounds like only one other Political Figure...

So... who else is up for Bojo Vs Prezza in 2015?

(*Yeah... I mean me here... Obviously)