Now that the Olympics are well and truly over and the dust has settled, it's time to take a chilled, dispassionate look at all the winners and Losers... and for once it is utterly clear on this occasion who is who...
There’s something strangely perverse about feeling sorry for David Cameron. Never has a man appeared to be so designed for high office… presumably from conception onwards he was supposed to be 'the boss'... In fact this may have been one of the few occasions that the subject came up during the conception.
"I tell you what dear, if I hit the target with this little blighter, I'm sure our boy... and it will be a boy... will one day use his thoroughbred Genetics and inherited wealth to hold a fractional lead in a messy coalition Government"
Given that, my feeling pity for him must be roughly akin to a levied peasant in Egypt worrying about how the Sun God Ra is getting on with the other Gods.
But I do feel sorry for him. In fact I think he is currently the unluckiest man in the world...
... and here's why;
The Olympics, and lack of political news have highlighted the fact that D-Cam appears to be going through all the trappings of a very messy break up… except in this case, he's in the impossible position of handling two ex’s at once. Two... and I can tell you that is the most unenviable position in the world.
Making it worse, neither are particularly subtle.. in fact, although very different, both are equally troublesome, publicity happy and keen to tell all of Dave's mates how he was "crap in bed and was scared to pathetic blubbing by the (utterly dreadful) Paranormal Activity films"
Well... Metaphorically speaking of course...
Nick Clegg has taken the route of the 'mopey fantasist' Ex... My personal favourite… He’s wailing about how it was 'That Bastard' who broke the rules of the relationship: "The bastard… *sniff* the utter utter bastard... but, we have to stay together for the children and... *sob*... and I still love him and you know… maybe If I lose that extra pound and *sniff* have my hair done he’ll still want me back… we can still make this partnership work... I know we can... *Massive theatrical breakdown*"
You can imagine Nick starting off the evening by getting ready to go out, putting on new shoes, spending a lot of his time making the new 'break up hair do' look ‘just so’, all whilst listening to inspiring power ballads.
But you can also imagine him ending that same evening having not gone anywhere. Eye make up running down the cheeks, looking at reception pictures of him and Dave in the ‘Rose Garden’ in happier days and instead of ‘I will survive’ he’s snivelling along to ‘The Winner Takes it all’ using an empty gin bottle as a microphone… But on the news.To the whole nation.
And then there’s Boris… The 'Other Ex'
He of course has gone completely the opposite way: genuine confidence, looking great, his new hairdo has worked a treat, and now the serious business of flirting with all of Dave’s old mates can begin.
Now when both of them turn up at the same party, like say, the Olympics, it's the Glamorous Bojo the crowd are all waiting for… nobody looks over at Dave at all, except with shifty, suspicious, sideways glances... and when Bojo finally silks in, all glittering smile and lush barnet, all the heads turn... even Dave's as he is briefly distracted from standing in the corner, trying to appear casual... and as if he still totally belongs there, whilst putting on his best 'Not at all bothered over here' face...
But all the onlookers know what he’s really doing there… You can imagine the conversation going something like:
Wealthy Tory Donor 1: "Oh god HE’s here.."
Wealthy Tory Donor 2: "Well I didn't invite him"
WTD1: "Nobody does these days.. I tell you he better not come over all jealous and make a scene..."
WTD2: "I know... he shows up everywhere... like a stalker..."
WTD1: "Well... I'm not standng for it... Look, if he even looks like he's going over there.. yeah... you just get between them… I reckon I’m going to go for the first dance tonight"
This is Boris being wooed by the city… (apparently)… the form this 'wooing' might take I dread to think. With our BoJo it could be almost anything. The upshot remains the same: some powerful people seem very keen that Boris should be the next Tory candidate to be Prime Minister.
How do we know this, well probably because a completely different group of powerful people have engineered a leak to make it look like the first group of powerful people want him in.. either way at least one group of powerful people genuinely think that their best interests are served with the Ex…
Poor D-Cam knows this… and even as he tries to show himself off at public events, being all 'over the relationship' and 'well casual' and 'proper virile'… he's still got that other ex in the background, snivelling: "No No No... We're together... you need me… we can be back how it was… the Coalition cannot fail..."
...and if you can't feel sorry for that predicament... well... you are either made of stone... or you're one of those ex's mentioned above... and if you are... and you're actually reading this... the message is simple:
"You go girlfriend..."
There’s something strangely perverse about feeling sorry for David Cameron. Never has a man appeared to be so designed for high office… presumably from conception onwards he was supposed to be 'the boss'... In fact this may have been one of the few occasions that the subject came up during the conception.
"I tell you what dear, if I hit the target with this little blighter, I'm sure our boy... and it will be a boy... will one day use his thoroughbred Genetics and inherited wealth to hold a fractional lead in a messy coalition Government"
Given that, my feeling pity for him must be roughly akin to a levied peasant in Egypt worrying about how the Sun God Ra is getting on with the other Gods.
But I do feel sorry for him. In fact I think he is currently the unluckiest man in the world...
... and here's why;
The Olympics, and lack of political news have highlighted the fact that D-Cam appears to be going through all the trappings of a very messy break up… except in this case, he's in the impossible position of handling two ex’s at once. Two... and I can tell you that is the most unenviable position in the world.
Making it worse, neither are particularly subtle.. in fact, although very different, both are equally troublesome, publicity happy and keen to tell all of Dave's mates how he was "crap in bed and was scared to pathetic blubbing by the (utterly dreadful) Paranormal Activity films"
Well... Metaphorically speaking of course...
Nick Clegg has taken the route of the 'mopey fantasist' Ex... My personal favourite… He’s wailing about how it was 'That Bastard' who broke the rules of the relationship: "The bastard… *sniff* the utter utter bastard... but, we have to stay together for the children and... *sob*... and I still love him and you know… maybe If I lose that extra pound and *sniff* have my hair done he’ll still want me back… we can still make this partnership work... I know we can... *Massive theatrical breakdown*"
You can imagine Nick starting off the evening by getting ready to go out, putting on new shoes, spending a lot of his time making the new 'break up hair do' look ‘just so’, all whilst listening to inspiring power ballads.
But you can also imagine him ending that same evening having not gone anywhere. Eye make up running down the cheeks, looking at reception pictures of him and Dave in the ‘Rose Garden’ in happier days and instead of ‘I will survive’ he’s snivelling along to ‘The Winner Takes it all’ using an empty gin bottle as a microphone… But on the news.To the whole nation.
And then there’s Boris… The 'Other Ex'
He of course has gone completely the opposite way: genuine confidence, looking great, his new hairdo has worked a treat, and now the serious business of flirting with all of Dave’s old mates can begin.
Now when both of them turn up at the same party, like say, the Olympics, it's the Glamorous Bojo the crowd are all waiting for… nobody looks over at Dave at all, except with shifty, suspicious, sideways glances... and when Bojo finally silks in, all glittering smile and lush barnet, all the heads turn... even Dave's as he is briefly distracted from standing in the corner, trying to appear casual... and as if he still totally belongs there, whilst putting on his best 'Not at all bothered over here' face...
But all the onlookers know what he’s really doing there… You can imagine the conversation going something like:
Wealthy Tory Donor 1: "Oh god HE’s here.."
Wealthy Tory Donor 2: "Well I didn't invite him"
WTD1: "Nobody does these days.. I tell you he better not come over all jealous and make a scene..."
WTD2: "I know... he shows up everywhere... like a stalker..."
WTD1: "Well... I'm not standng for it... Look, if he even looks like he's going over there.. yeah... you just get between them… I reckon I’m going to go for the first dance tonight"
This is Boris being wooed by the city… (apparently)… the form this 'wooing' might take I dread to think. With our BoJo it could be almost anything. The upshot remains the same: some powerful people seem very keen that Boris should be the next Tory candidate to be Prime Minister.
How do we know this, well probably because a completely different group of powerful people have engineered a leak to make it look like the first group of powerful people want him in.. either way at least one group of powerful people genuinely think that their best interests are served with the Ex…
Poor D-Cam knows this… and even as he tries to show himself off at public events, being all 'over the relationship' and 'well casual' and 'proper virile'… he's still got that other ex in the background, snivelling: "No No No... We're together... you need me… we can be back how it was… the Coalition cannot fail..."
...and if you can't feel sorry for that predicament... well... you are either made of stone... or you're one of those ex's mentioned above... and if you are... and you're actually reading this... the message is simple:
"You go girlfriend..."
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