For those few people who have read this blog more than once (stalkers, sexual deviants lured in by odd search terms, blog favourite #TeamBozier and the like) I may come across as a 'Tron-Like' figure... a man made of light and wires, who zips around and unreal social media universe on his lightcycle... or special effect 'line'... without a care in your dull, matter-based, human world...
But of course I do have a 'care' in that vile human world, with its 'smells', unusual impulses and personal stickiness and no matter how much I try to ignore it, it stubbornly refuses to stop existing... a great big lumpy, fleshy 'care' that needs to be tended and fuelled and generally maintained whilst reacting in all sorts of disturbing and unpleasant ways to various stimulation under the smug excuse of 'emotional response'
Yes I am talking about the skinsack that holds all the important bits together, my body... the envelope that contains the 'essential me' on it's tedious journey from birth to death, via a series of trips to chain coffee outlets and bouts of existential despair. There is no upgrade scheme for this piece of hardware incidentally... and the only people seriously looking into separating the useful parts from the meat bag are 'Astral Scientists' who seem to think the solution involves smoking weed and engaging in marathon staring sessions at patterns from old, failed cultures they pretend to understand... as opposed to my preferred solution which involves highly invasive and destructive surgery and a 70 foot tall mechanical body..
Yes, ALL of you internet people are, like me, attached to a load of biological processes in shoes... which will, like all inferior biological technology, clap out on you one day... it will die..completely.. and there is no way off stopping it, and there's no reboot... it will be gone, but the real you... the internet you, will just continue to exist, trapped in limbo without those fleshy sausages to press the buttons that allow it to be...
But it doesn't have to be this way...
And that's where my new start up business comes in... for a small cash cost and an incredibly dangerous operation we will attach sensors to all of your major organs. When these notoriously temperamental bio-components finally, and inevitably wear out, a signal will be sent to our HQ and one of two of our exclusive packages will be activated.
1) Basic 'Last words' package.
On our cheapest package, the exact moment you die, one of our operatives will seize control of all your social media profiles in order to process that final update... this can be a factual appraisal: Cause of Death*, time etc... a profound comment, either self composed or created with one of our crack team of greetings card inlay writers...
Of course, death doesn't have to be a downer. you could go for something 'lighter' like: "Dead now, LOL" or perhaps "All your grave are belong to me"
If you happen to have complicated legacy arrangements that involve pirates, traps or haunted houses you could use this service to give your grieving relatives that first, fun 'starter clue'... the limits are only your imagination... and of course the psychological frailty of your next of kin...
*Note, the 'factual appraisal' option is not recommended for all and we cannot be held responsible for any breakdowns and/or copycat suicide/murders resulting from your nearest and dearest reading that you have just ’passed on’ due to severe rectal trauma, dressed as a girl guide in the shopping precinct of Ipswich town centre...
2) Our premier service works in exactly the same way as the budget one, except... it won't stop! Instead, our highly advanced bank of computers will analyse your posting style based on criteria such as: Overall inanity, fondness for pictures of cats, misunderstanding of what the word 'troll' means in an internet context, weird belief in conspiracies... etc etc...
Then the magic happens...
After a curt announcement regarding the (not especially) 'sad' demise of your sagging protein vessel, your social media accounts will continue 'as normal', but with our machines matching your posting frequency and style, but obviously surpassing your pitifully inadequate 'human' wit, wisdom, profundity and spelling... for ever... and ever... and... well you get the point...
Sounds good eh?
Now to ask Louise Mensch and Go #TeamBozier if they want in...
We will make this happen... for you...
But of course I do have a 'care' in that vile human world, with its 'smells', unusual impulses and personal stickiness and no matter how much I try to ignore it, it stubbornly refuses to stop existing... a great big lumpy, fleshy 'care' that needs to be tended and fuelled and generally maintained whilst reacting in all sorts of disturbing and unpleasant ways to various stimulation under the smug excuse of 'emotional response'
Yes I am talking about the skinsack that holds all the important bits together, my body... the envelope that contains the 'essential me' on it's tedious journey from birth to death, via a series of trips to chain coffee outlets and bouts of existential despair. There is no upgrade scheme for this piece of hardware incidentally... and the only people seriously looking into separating the useful parts from the meat bag are 'Astral Scientists' who seem to think the solution involves smoking weed and engaging in marathon staring sessions at patterns from old, failed cultures they pretend to understand... as opposed to my preferred solution which involves highly invasive and destructive surgery and a 70 foot tall mechanical body..
Yes, ALL of you internet people are, like me, attached to a load of biological processes in shoes... which will, like all inferior biological technology, clap out on you one day... it will die..completely.. and there is no way off stopping it, and there's no reboot... it will be gone, but the real you... the internet you, will just continue to exist, trapped in limbo without those fleshy sausages to press the buttons that allow it to be...
But it doesn't have to be this way...
And that's where my new start up business comes in... for a small cash cost and an incredibly dangerous operation we will attach sensors to all of your major organs. When these notoriously temperamental bio-components finally, and inevitably wear out, a signal will be sent to our HQ and one of two of our exclusive packages will be activated.
1) Basic 'Last words' package.
On our cheapest package, the exact moment you die, one of our operatives will seize control of all your social media profiles in order to process that final update... this can be a factual appraisal: Cause of Death*, time etc... a profound comment, either self composed or created with one of our crack team of greetings card inlay writers...
Of course, death doesn't have to be a downer. you could go for something 'lighter' like: "Dead now, LOL" or perhaps "All your grave are belong to me"
If you happen to have complicated legacy arrangements that involve pirates, traps or haunted houses you could use this service to give your grieving relatives that first, fun 'starter clue'... the limits are only your imagination... and of course the psychological frailty of your next of kin...
*Note, the 'factual appraisal' option is not recommended for all and we cannot be held responsible for any breakdowns and/or copycat suicide/murders resulting from your nearest and dearest reading that you have just ’passed on’ due to severe rectal trauma, dressed as a girl guide in the shopping precinct of Ipswich town centre...
2) Our premier service works in exactly the same way as the budget one, except... it won't stop! Instead, our highly advanced bank of computers will analyse your posting style based on criteria such as: Overall inanity, fondness for pictures of cats, misunderstanding of what the word 'troll' means in an internet context, weird belief in conspiracies... etc etc...
Then the magic happens...
After a curt announcement regarding the (not especially) 'sad' demise of your sagging protein vessel, your social media accounts will continue 'as normal', but with our machines matching your posting frequency and style, but obviously surpassing your pitifully inadequate 'human' wit, wisdom, profundity and spelling... for ever... and ever... and... well you get the point...
Sounds good eh?
Now to ask Louise Mensch and Go #TeamBozier if they want in...
We will make this happen... for you...
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