I am never at my best when tired.
It makes me snarling and irritable...
It makes me want to go into a field of sacred cows armed with frag grenades, a chainsaw, bleary eyes and a wonky grin
There is a fair chance that some people might be offended by what I do to to this particular Bovine... but A) I'm too tired to give a 'Flying one at a Rolling One' and B) This guy is an utter Douche... I mean really... Pick your heroes with a bit more care and you won't have to read stuff like this..
You may notice a lack of swearing thus far... that is a conscious decision... if I were to allow myself that little luxury then this post would have just been a copy/paste of an online profanity dictionary, with a name at the end... and that name: Julian Assange
Who is wizened enough to remember the first time any allegations were brought against Michael Jackson? I do... I was a child... I loved Jacko... I thought it was outrageous that my idol should have to answer to anything... on the other side they hated Jacko, and they also didn't think he needed to 'answer' for anything... just be strung up as a sex offender.
Now, with the benefit of Hindsite I imagine there must have been cooler heads, smart people who said: "Well these are serious allegations and they need a thorough and transparent hearing"
Yeah... those people would have existed, but I wouldn't have heard them... or heard them as 'enemies', because my stupid, cola-bottle addled, child's brain could only process information in Black and White.
3 Points about that.
A) Does that kind of thinking sound familiar to you?
2) I still don't think Jackson's behaviour had a sexual dimension, but getting into bed with other people's kids is weird, creepy and someone should have delivered a healthy slap early on and told him: "Not Ok!"
D) Aren't you glad I didn't go for the Black/White gag? Someone, somewhere would have enjoyed it... but I wouldn't... I'd feel like a twattish mid-90's Comedian... and if you think you might have preferred to read that kind of joke, please leave... now... not a joke... roll up your laptop or smartphone as best you can and insert it into your colon in whichever manner you find most comfortable and do one...
Ok... with all of that in mind I shall begin... and remember... On this one I'm actually one of the 'cool heads'... even if my delivery is akin to a rabid tramp swearing at a goose in recycling bin...
Ok... I will now put in a point by point polemnic about why Saint Jules of Assange is just being a douche these days.
1) What's the opposite of a Martyr?
Politically, I am on the side of Wikileaks. I believe they do important works and may have donated to them in the past... I say 'may' in case any recruitment agencies are reading this and are put off by the idea of me donating money to a whistleblowing database, in which case that is something I didn't do...
Unfortunately the Wikileaks team now seem to be mainly a sounding board for Assange. Fair enough if his allegations are related to free speech issues... like say... Bradley Manning... but they aren't... they are to do with gross misuse of what that great 'Poet of the Penis', Russell Brand might call a 'Dinkle'...
Whether the allegations are criminal or not I'll return to later. Whether they are worth mobilising the entire force of a large organisation like Wikileaks for I can answer now... No... don't be stupid... Every association with this tawdry little escapade makes the once mighty Wikileaks look less a people's channel for disseminating important information and more a happy-clappy cult of Guru worship.
He is using the whole Wikileaks organisation as a shield and it infuriates me... If it's non hierarchical, you should treat all individuals based on merit... in which case Manning should be the centrefold, and Assange airbrushed out. If, however, Assange is the actual 'leader' he should act like one and answer the legal questions so as not to damage the organisation, not act like every attack on him is an attack on Wikileaks, free speech, Puppies, Kittens, Sugar, Spice and 'All things nice'
2) Being a douche isn't a crime?
This is without a doubt my favourite nonsense misreading of these allegations. The upshot goes: 'Sure... he said he'd wear a condom... but the cheeky scamp took it off... whatyagonnado?'
So people see it as a douche-move... not a crime...
Ok... first off... the initiation of sex is NOT when that Condom is most needed... The... ahem... 'climax' is where it does it's best work... where it earns it's kudos... taking it off halfway through means you really needn't have bothered in the first place... Unless there was something else going on...
Ok... so in Law, consent to sex is kind of a legal contract... it is binding and can be withdrawn or amended... importantly it can have 'conditions'... if the condition of consent includes wearing a condom, then that's what you do... all the way through...
Put it in this, equally romantic and erotic, perspective... if she was selling him a car on the condition that he stuck to an agreed payment plan, but he stopped paying and kept the car... that is theft isn't it? Likewise... if the allegations are true, it is rape.
Now, perhaps these charges are 'trumped up'... but I don't know because the victims can't have their day in court... remember, if it's true then actual rape victims are getting silenced because the perpetrator is figurehead for a free speech website... if not well, he can clear himself and really stick it to the Governments of the world... wonder why he's not doing that?
Oh... and I'm not even going to get into the utter bellendry of doing that to a woman who specifically asked him to 'wrap up'... They stretch you know Jules... and no matter how large your mighty mutant Martyr's member is It would not burst because of such confinement...
If you don't respect your partner enough to follow the conditions... you don't deserve the 'play'... no matter how much of a rock star freedom fighter you think you are...
3) This isn't a spy film douche...
Now, I know Wikileaks is a massive irritant to many Governments, and it has also provided those same Governments with information on other Governments who in turn got angry with Wikileaks... I'm sure there are many in the intelligence services who would love to see him go away forever...
But that doesn't mean that this is entirely a political escapade... the best evidence for which is Assange's recent behaviour. He seems to want to portray himself as the Anti James Bond... a government wrecking cross between Jason Bourne and Ernesto Guevara... but that isn't how he's acting... frankly he's acting like a teenage film douche...
Ok... track record... and for this exercise let's assume he's completely innocent.
He is accused of an offence in Sweden... scarcely a tin-pot dictatorship rife with kidnappings and the kind of debt that leads to overly dodgy deals... No, they're seen as fairly calm sorts, who are of course signed up to the same declarations as us, which prevent extradition where real harm is probable... those pesky human rights acts that the Daily Mail bleat about...
So, does he answer these high-profile allegations in the full glare, and by that toke, protection of the worlds Media? No... he legs it. Ending up in Britain... perhap's he's a secret Daily Mail reader and believes all their 'Soft Justice' rhetoric... What he isn't is a tactician... Britain has a much more favourable extradition process with the US than Sweden... Damn!
So he's now in a far worse position if ending up in The US is his real fear... but not if his real fear is ending up in Sweden and facing these charges... anyway... he appeals to the highest UK courts... all of which decide there is a case to answer... In Sweden... to which he shrieks: 'But I don't want to go to the U.S' and legs it to an Embassy... and then it gets really weird... I mean proper demented...
He runs to Ecuador for help. Ecuador who don't really have much sympathy for human rights causes. Ecuador, who admittedly don't have a strong extradition process with America, but also don't have any human rights protection in place if they did decide to bow to pressure.
I don't think it's unreasonable to say that Ecuador are, at best, accepting him as a political pawn, either to show defiance of the US, or... well maybe something more nefarious.... Put it this way, if it was me, I'd be worried that Ecuador might arrange an under the counter deal with the U.S... Their pockets are deep and anyone can use a little extra money... of course, that would only worry me if the U.S were my real concern... not Sweden...
Of course, if you're (hypothetically, of course) trying to stir up as much publicity as possible and avoid Sweden, those actions make perfect sense... if not they look like the plot to a rubbish spy movie...
4) Thinking you're the centre of the Universe is 'Anti-Copernican'*
(*A joke adapted from Prof Brian Cox being witty)
But didn't he offer to be questioned in Sweden if they assured he couldn't be extradited to the U.S... and also offered to be questioned by Swedes, under juristiction, in London?
Yes... and doesn't that appear reasonable?
Sort of, if you think you're the centre of the universe and that intricate international law is just a set of guidelines that can be abandoned for the convenience of one man. Sweden is legally bound by it's extradition process with the U.S... they cannot assure him of anything, because it may turn out he's done something. Under those circumstances they would be in breach of international law if they kept to that assurance.
Likewise the U.K is legally bound by it's commitment to Sweden... they simply cannot let him leave U.K soil. Also, allowing the questioning to take place here is in violation of both UK and Swedish Law... and while all this is going on, the UK remains bound by diplomatic agreement with Ecuador. It cannot use the loopholes available to get at him, no matter how much simpler that would be, because it would set a precedent... Law is complicated. You can't just mess them about all over the place, ignoring any consequencr, just because you are the almighty 'You'
Conclusion:
Yeah... I'm expecting abuse for this one, mainly from people who think that defending Assange and defending Free Speech are the same thing. But this is just my own, personal, sleep deprived opinion... That said... That he's a douche and he's using a noble organisation to shield himself from the consequence of his own douchey, egotistical actions...
Who can remember Sabu... the hacker who was compromised by intelligence services and ordered to undermine Anonymous? Well they want to ask for their money back... he's an amateur compared to Assange... and it's outrageous. Now more than ever the world needs Wikileaks to be Wikileaks... Not a message board for a publicity-obsessed narcissist.
(P.S. There is really no need to call me a douche... I already know this... and am I in the Pay of the Lizard People? No... but I am welcome to most offers...)
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