Opinion: Boris... Just Boris

Boris Johnson is a phenomena.

Yesterday he was being touted by the Telegraph as a strong candidate to Usurp David Cameron before the 2015 Election, having wooed party Donors his way with a 'Strong Pro Business' stance.

Did I say strong? I meant utterly frenzied, even going to the utterly 'Balls Out crazy' move of inviting Rupert Murdoch to be his personal guest at the Olympics... 

To appreciate just how 'Strong' a 'Pro Business' gesture this is, just remember, A) This Billionaire Mogul isn't exactly at his most popular at the moment and B) Boris is responsible for the Met Police, who are currently in the middle of investigating News Corp (amongst others) over various things, and are themselves under pressure, having been accused of complicity in some of the things they are now investigating...

So... Yesterday he seemed unstoppable. The city had their boy, willing to perform a very very PDA with one of the most divisive figures in U.K business, they were misty-eyeing at him like the nerdy library kid gawping the pretty girl who wouldn't speak to him*... potentially it was just a matter of getting the public to fall for him in the same way...

Today...
Well Today... This:

Now some people are writing off his chances. Guffawing at him...
'Oh look at the Silly Dangling Man'
'He can never win... Look at him... He is a Silly... a Silly...'

Be warned though, don't write him off... This is Meat and Gravy to this man...
Don't forget he was swept to victory as Mayor of London on a Platform of: 'Being Quite Funny on Panel Shows' and being 'Less Sickeningly Odious than Ken Livingstone'
Now you may not think that is an adequate enough skillset to lead a country... and you'd be correct...
But that doesn't mean it couldn't happen...

Even Cameron was forced to admit it: "If any other politician got stuck on a zipwire it would be disastrous. With Boris it's a triumph."


...and I imagine that quote was uttered through teeth so gritted that the merest agitation would have caused them to shatter into microscopic fragments. Whilst it is true that Duncan praised Macbeth before the regicide, it is slightly more unusual for him to cheer him on between stabbings.

Before the Mayoral Election I begged London to not vote for him. I obviously didn't have as much influence as I hoped... I should also note that I begged them to avoid voting for Livingstone, but it would be a bit suspect to call what happened a win for me...

I feel there is a genuinely worrying trend to put personality before ability in politics these days. Tories will lay the blame at the feet of Tony Blair, Labour will claim that Thatcher did it first, (Like so many of the 'Things Tony Did')... The Lib Dems... well they'll say.. something... probably something that sits between the two and means nothing...

Could the Country do this on a larger scale? Would they gamble the future of our nation on a man who most closely resembles Wurzel Gummage before he became an enchanted scarecrow?

Well... People like Boris... He is a surprisingly good public speaker for someone who has a default setting of 'Incoherent'. He knows how to get a crowd going, witness his 60,00 person bitchslap of Mittens Romney... and he can laugh at himself, evinced by his sterling buffoonery/recovery whilst hanging over his city like something from a rejected line of Bullingdon christmas decorations...

Will they vote for him?

Of course.. they voted for him in London... and he is clever.. he is one of the few to take an important lesson from American Politics, the 'Dubya' lesson that nobody else has ever been brave enough to utilise: In times of crisis, people tend to have more trust in those who they feel are less intelligent than themselves.

Of course, anyone who thinks this about Boris, but doesn't happen to work at CERN, is utterly wrong. He is highly educated, strategic and has cultivated this persona for years... and besides, he has advisors for any of the really hard stuff... by any measure he is more intelligent than most. But the perception is unthreatening: How could he possibly be tricking us? He'd forget and blurt out any nefarious plans before tripping over and grabbing the breasts of a female assistant in a 'hilarious carry-on' Manner...

So, he has the vote of the 'Banter' brigade... even if anyone who uses that word in the positive is arguably so witless as to not deserve oxygen, let alone any deciding power over the future of our country.

... and The 'Average Tory' voter?
Well... he does poll well amongst the rank and file. He is seen as being more Tory than the Neo-Blair Conservatism of Cameron... and besides.. Cameron is just that bit too shiny and airbrushed (Both in real life and in campaign literature)... He's a middle manager... lift muzak... the human equivalent of an Ikea shelving unit... perfectly functional and well designed, but nothing too exciting...

Boris on the other hand is a Rocket Powered Union jack painted Grandfather Clock, almost a caricature of 'Dribblingly Insane Ruling Class'. Where Cameron wouldn't follow a 'Conservative' idea out of the door if Public Opinion was raining too heavily, Boris... Well Boris would throw himself straight out of the window... and with his luck he'd land squarely on his feet, the idea in his hand and a rose in his teeth... and Public opinion... well it would Laud him... because he's Boris... and that's just what he does...

...and Labour... what can they do?

Well. They can only hope that the Public fall out of love with him... because, with the ammo they're currently packing, they aren't going to win the battle of personalities any time soon... and any attempt to ridicule Boris or conventional attempt knock him off his pedestal will only increase his 'Clown-Shoe' Cache.

So what do they have left?
They need to find their own Lovable chap who doesn't take himself too seriously, who can raise a crowd into a US style woop and who doesn't mind cultivating a ridiculous persona, whilst using it to cloak a genuinely astute political brain...

... to me that sounds like only one other Political Figure...

So... who else is up for Bojo Vs Prezza in 2015?

(*Yeah... I mean me here... Obviously)

Opinion: Thank you for Romneyshambles!

Sometimes you're day is going lousy... It happens to the best of us... Today it is happening to me
Now what do you need to cheer you up?

Well.. how about seeing an American Presidential hopeful having a much worse day than you, perhaps  doing an overseas 'Goodwill' tour with all the success of the Griswald family's European vacation?

Ok... Balance time. I have very few opinions on Mitt... I think he has ludicrous religious beliefs... but that's fine... a U.S Presidential hopeful has to express belief in some nonsense witchery... yeah his particular brand of hocus-pocus is a bit more 'modern' and seems to believe the post-mortem conversion of holocaust victims to their religion is just 'Okey-Dokey-Fine'... but hell... all religions kinda believe that a magic man in the sky made everything, so I can let him off on that...

I mainly know him through seeing pictures on the internet and thinking... 'Oh, Morrisey has gone all American... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Ash from the Evil Dead looks quite old now... and Evil-Looking*'

or,

'Oh... Evil Corporate Elvis has lost a lot of weight.. but got quite Evil-looking*'

(*By 'Evil Looking' I mean terrifyingly rich, a state that is roughly akin to Evil for your average UK-er... oh and if you see these jokes elsewhere.. they are mine, but they are a gift to the world...)

As for his politics, well, let's just say: 'they are not designed for me'. If I were eligible to vote for him, I wouldn't... and he wouldn't want me to... we're very different politically. He's very rich and acts accordingly. I'm shockingly poor and act rarely....

So I can and will not comment on them...

Ahhh.. but catastrophic media strategy fuck-ups... that is something I can talk about... and rarely have I seen such Gold in such a short space of time.

Quick Recap.

1) The 'Anglo-Saxon' thing... He 'understands' us because of Anglo Saxon Heritage... Up to the minute their Mr Rommers.. Anglo-Saxon eh? That was a long time ago... but ok, aside from the eenie bit dodgy undertone of this comment... I'm sure you'll soon demonstrate that understanding. The Floor is yours Mittens.

2) The Ed Miliband 'Mr Leader' Thing... Now that may be a cultural thing, calling the opposition leader by his title and not his name, maybe, or it maybe a lack of home work... some have of course suggested that it means Miliband isn't a big player on the world stage... Probably true... but still... if you're meeting someone on a goodwill tour, maybe remembering the name of the guy you're shaking hands with isn't the biggest chore in the world...

Still.. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and imagine that he really does call people by a variation of their job title... 'Mr Driver', 'Mr Pizza-Man' or perhaps 'Mr Media Strategy Advisor who really should know Better'

3) The Olympic 'Thing'. Wow... just Wow... It has taken a wealthy American Presidential hopeful to finally do what the combined might of Sebastian Coe and LOCOG have failed to achieve. The UK have been entirely united behind the Olympic games by a few mild, but bafflingly ill advised comments about our ability to host this event... and jings, is he suffering for it now.

The comments are fairly mild really... nothing compared to what our own media have been saying all along. It's the rookie nature of the timing that is causing the derision. Insulting the host nation of the Olympics on your 'Goodwill' tour is pretty good. Doing it on the day before the opening ceremony, when the torch arrives in London and public support explodes is a master-stroke of shambolism... in fact I'd check your media team Romneo... anyone in there with the surname Obama?

Having done that he attempted to backtrack, using bemusing lines about looking out 'The Backside' of 10 Downing street, and saying that 'mistakes would be made' anyway...  But the damage was done... Then someone coined the term '#Romneyshambles' (Most likely @ldncalling, so credit there)

Romneyshambles is beautiful, because it conveys so much in such a concise way. If it doesn't make sense to you, Google 'Omnishambles' and then come back... I'll wait...

#Romneyshambles is now trending hard on Twitter. It is a license for people like me, who really have had little interest in Romney to make jokes, mainly for the sake of joking... But it isn't just zeroes like me who have been firing comedic pea-shooters at this particular elephant... some 'real people' have got in on the act:

He has just been 'called out' in Hyde Park, in front of 60,000 people by Boris Johnson. Boris-Fucking-Johnson... Let's just take a moment to reflect on that... A potential future President of the U.S got served by our very own Bullingdon Buffoon, now, that's gotta sting... (Who, rather hilariously, is now being accused of being a 'Communist' by some rabid Romney Supporters on the #Romneyshambles hashtag).

Cameron too got in a zinger about how it's much harder to organise this in a capital city, rather than 'The Middle of Nowhere'... perhaps a veiled dig at the whole 'Salt Lake City' thing... (Just so you know, a representative of the Mayor of Salt Lake City kinda Zinged Cameron back, by offering him a map to find it...)

Oh and even our Louise Mensch, the benchmark for bandwagon-leaping-zeitgeist-chasery called him an 'embarrassment'.... Others have said 'Apparently devoid of charm, warmth, humour or sincerity', 'What a total shocker', 'We are speechless', 'Total car crash' and 'Worse than Palin'.. Ouch, Ouch OUCH... that's gotta sting... and lest we forget, these are people sympathetic to his politics...  I'm not even going to go into what the Left have been saying...

4) The 'Fund Raising Evening' Thing. What is worse than your Fund raising dinner having a low uptake, so much so that you are reducing the admission from $75,000 to.. erm... 'free'... Well, here's something.. sending those free invites to the press pack and bloggers who immediately display the amended invitations on the internet. Big Ooops there. Quick lesson. Snarky UK Political Bloggers (Even those firmly 'on the right') will not let allegiance get in the way of breaking a cracking story.

So... Poor old Romney... I actually feel sorry for the guy...

I'm sure it's just a blip, and it probably won't effect his standing at home.. those that Love him obviously still do, and are blinded to anything negative about him... those that don't... well they don't.. and the exact same goes, they will see no positives...

But for me (who is having a pure rotten day all round), the site of a fabulously wealthy man,  performing the political equivalent of the 'Sideshow Bob rake' is at least bringing a smile to my face...

... and I'm sure he'd prefer that to 'pity'.. especially from the likes of me..

Of course... There is always the possibility that The UK have maybe... just maybe, royally pissed off a man who could one day be in charge of the largest Nuclear stockpile in the world... but even if that's the case, it will still put my, trifling, 'Rotten day' into perspective...

Thus I win...

Music: The Razed Area/Tinkerbelles

Sorry I haven't been about for a bit... that Pesky real life... That said here is a two track 'Not Vinyl at All' single that I would like to imagine I put on vinyl... even though I didn't... One slow.. One faster. i can't force you to enjoy it... but if I could, I would...

Opinion: LOCOG... Organisation of Bond Villains or Trip Switch on the Buzz Machine?

I like the Olympics...
Yeah yeah... it will cost money... and traffic... and and... and all that whingery bobbins... but the coins are fun... Sport is apparently pretty good for you and the East London skyline is one of the few that might be improved by the addition of missiles...

Yes. It is expensive. But we are a large economy, no matter what certain Austerity fetishists might want us to think in order to force their agenda down our throats like a teeny-tiny, joyless skint-cock...

We probably can afford this... and why shouldn't we? Events like this are 'good'... The Olympics will be like the 'Leveson' of Sport... except with less obvious politically partisan posturing...
(Getting sick of the 'Like a Leveson of...' format jokes yet? I'm not... and it's my blog... so... erm... there...)

What about the transport in London?
Yep... and it usually runs so smooth as well...

Don't worry though... chances are there will be a hidden Champion... a secret Border Force, keeping down the numbers of visitors with extreme prejudice... I speak of the Shock-Troops of LOCOG.

http://t.co/ZCPDpYWn

I read today that The LOCOGATOR has forbidden chips to be sold within the barbed wire of the camp. Chips, it seems, are an infringement of McDonalds absolute right to the digestive tracts of anyone who even wants to think about the Olympics... Apparently they're worried that Chips might be confused with... with whatever those sad little strips of soggy potato starch are...

There is a loophole though... You can sell chips with Fish, but only with fish... So much for the Olympics increasing fitness eh?

So why not just ban any chips try that didn't taste pre-chewed? I imagine that in some shiny office somewhere, a meeting was held where it was decided that even the awesome power of LOCOG-THE-MIGHTY and 'that Clown' couldn't stand in the way of the voracious UK appetite for Fish 'n' Chips... or for that matter Crumpets, Royals and Casual fights with Strangers...
"Let them have their Fish and Chips... but GOD SAVE THEM if they try to separate those components" spake LOCOG of the Planet Buzzkillion.

But how might having an insanely protectionist group of copywrite obsessive's cut down congestion during the Olympics?

Well... why not try walking past LOCOG's heavy machine gun bunkers with a visible Logo? Try and take your seat at the Diving with a tasty Burger King... Try carrying ANYTHING CIRCULAR AT ALL (That may be confused with an Olympic ring) or something that say's '2012' in an unofficial font...

Will they let that slide do you think?

Going to the Games? Make sure you are wearing officially approved underwear... because if your brand haven't dropped a pound in the LOCOG pot... well... without any exaggeration, you would definitely be stripped, the offending pants would be stapled to your chest and you would be publicly beheaded at the closing ceremony...

I bloody love them there Olympics... Human achievement... stretching the individual... an excuse for people to receive Blinged-out Medals without having to earn them in rap battles... what's not to love?

That said, I can't shake off the sneaking hope that 'LOCOG the foul' succeeds in leeching all of the fun out of the event... that way I might be able to just walk straight in to the premier events in my 'Brand Neutral' pants from the market, whilst all the normal people with Logos are dragged, kicking and screaming, off to the Gulag ...

If I'm very lucky they might start imprisoning competitors as well... you know, for looking like they don't eat McDonalds often enough or something... and I can finally achieve the dream of winning an Olympic Gold... in an empty stadium... watched only by Logos... official Logos...

So three Cheers for LOCOG... and Boo to reason and sense and Freedom and anything circular that isn't a ring and anything that uses the digits '2012' without paying and begging and small Business who wanted to not have to change names and etc etc etc

(Incidentally, 'Trip Switch on my buzz machine' is a 'borrowed' joke. A friend told his girlfriend that's what she was... they are no longer together)