The bunting is up... I had my face painted in patriotic colours... and although I couldn't attend any of the many 'Reshuffle street Parties' that were taking place up and down the country, I am taking the day off on Friday to go into the city, perve on shops, and probably drink some cocktails somewhere along the line... maybe head to a parrot zoo... (no... really)
... and all for D-Cam... I do this in his honour...
Now, some people reading this might be wondering why the whole country are celebrating yesterday's 'Reshuffle' with an enthusiasm that makes the Olympic/Jubilee/Prince Harry's Balls parties look like a dull afternoon at that-oh-so-hip panini shop I don't go to because the owner turned into an utter hipster douche...
I know that's a fairly obscure reference, but I know at least one person should get it... and it may be the only thing they understand in this whole post... because they are a 'normal person' and thus recognise that the business of Goverment is to manage them, not to include them... not that they'll read it... and so will never see this direct message to them...
(Yeah it IS YOU... honestly... YOU... prove me wrong... send an unlikely text... saying something like... I don't know... 'You are well sexy' and I'll know you've read this...)
Sit... wait... check phone... weep...
So who here doesn't know what a reshuffle is?
Well... obviously it's supposed to be when Cabinet positions are exchaned/issued to the most suitable candidates to maximise the efficiency of Government... like substitutions in 'that football'... or it would be if you could change everyone at once and play people in any position you like regardless of what they're actually good at...
So what is a reshuffle in the 'real world'?
1) A chance to scapegoat some bellend...
A 'Scape goat' used to be literally that... a goat that was piled high with a heavy load symbolising the 'sins of the village'... this goat would be driven to wander the dessert... and it would die horribly, in great goaty agony... possibly cursing it's cruel owners with the last thoughts in it's goaty brain...
The sins will still have been done though... and those guilty will actually have suffered naught... unless of course they have a particular emotional attachment to that goat... but still... it's the goat getting the bum deal here...
So... if you were say... a health secretary during a period of particularly unpopular NHS changes, and it was your job to implement and cheerlead reforms... reforms that, let's be honest, were issued to you by your 'masters'... you might think they would cut you some slack... but no... you will be mired in the last vestiges of controversy and sent out... possibly to a role that sounds a bit of 'placeholder' position, Like Minister for Sunny Days, or Minister for the Department of Procrastination whilst the younger bellend who dodged three sackings in 'Culture' gets to swan around your office and say he's fixing your mistakes...
So we lose 'Hate Magnet' Lansley... But don't worry... Jeremy Hunt, the new health secretary believes in the nonsense, woo-woo, witchcraft, BOLLOCKS called homeopathy... which is just a placebo... But, although it doesn't really do anything, it is cheap... so that should cut the budget... and since most people who need real medical care would die, waiting times would go down...
Hurrah for reshuffles
2) It's a vicious bunfight, the like of which the world never sees...
Who amongst you has seen two tramps in a skip, stopping mid-coitus to fight, 'red in tooth and claw' over possession of a can of special brew?
The skip is the media, the Tin of Brew is a juicy cabinet post and you dress the tramps up in expensive, cheap suits and turn the feral-o-meter up to eleven and you have the reshuffle experience...
Uniquely amongst careers, for a cabinet minister their promotion happens in the public eye, and is dependent on public approval... perhaps that is why when the possibility of my honest-to-goodness Twitter Follower* Grant Shapps was rumored to usurp comedy 'commoner' Baroness Warsi as Chair of the party he suddenly had a load of negative reports about his internet dealings dropped onto the internet...
* No, you cynics... Grant Shapps MP, despite the 'fake following allegations' is actually a big fan of my music and is the only person who can name tracklistings of all 4 of my scarcely available cds... he may not be following you with genuine intent... but he thinks I'm fecking ace...
Did someone manage a leak? Possibly... I hope so... I love the Thick of It and secretly hope that all politics is conducted exactly like that... Suspects are endless... people who support her, people who oppose the Tories and see that as long as she's in place they are fundamentally less electable and people who are just fans of nonsensical statements and would miss her outpourings on Newsnight...
Whatever... she went anyway.. to be given a special 'Senior' title that they made up just for her... which is a bit like being told that she's 'Mummy's Special Chairman'
... and my biggest fan, Grant Shapps , is now Chairman. Lucky me... I now have the ear of government...
Hurrah for reshuffles!
3) Unblocking the Idea U-Bend...
Imagine you had a plan... it was your plan and you loved it. But for some reason you told everyone you didn't want to do it... were not going to do it and would never do it... but of course you were still doing it...
Then, as you're sneaking your idea through, one person stood up and still insisted that you aren't... worse still... the person is the responsible cabinet minister... and even worse they look like they might actually do something to stop it... Well...you just 'reshuffle' them out of the way and put in someone who knows when to stand up for principle, and when they should just be faking it...
Yeah, that preceding paragraph looks like gibberish... it is... but it actually happened to the 'now ex' Transport secretary, who has just been shuffled off for stating her opposition to a new Heathrow runway... Which is the official policy of the government. This runway won't happen... but of course, it IS happening... she started to be 'perceived' as an obstacle... and now she's gone to a nothing job... What a coinkidink!
Oh and as a sidenote, this has given Blog Favourite BoJo a chance to score another point at D-Cam's expense... he doesn't want the runway, and he can say so... remember kids, if you're a democratically elected mayor you have no need to fear the Reshuffle Monster... otherwise... well... Boris Johnston would surely feature more in this post...
Hurrah for Reshuffles!
4) Things are changing... honestly...
This is the most crucial aspect as far as the public are concerned. The appearance that 'some' change is occurring.
Of course it isn't... Cameron is still there... he still has Osborne and Gove and the other 'architects' of policy... With Lansley and the NHS... they are just bringing in the PR guy to be the bullet-sponge after Lansley utterly failed to get anyone at all on side...
What are the benefits of the changes: A new Chairman? Transport Minister booted for being the wrong kind of Loyal... Ken Clarke, (in effect) put out to pasture? A new 'Equality' minister who is against Gay marriage?
It's like the bit of the Magic trick where you are shown a 'Fake shuffle'... but that's all it is... a show... the important cards are still safely tucked up the sleeve, ready to be deployed exactly as was intended from the start...
But at least we all get to pretend that something has happened... That's the main thing eh?
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