I don't live in London.
Where I live, we have a Mayor. He is a fairly lumpy looking man, ruddy faced and 'Tory-looking' (in a friendly, rural sort of way)
You probably wouldn't know his name. I would probably spell it wrong anyway, even though I've met him... But he gets his job done, is approachable and understanding in the way that our local MP isn't. A political journeyman.
So... What terrible sin has London committed, that instead of a quiet and humble 'servant of the people' it has a tendency to attract candidates with a near-psychotic instinct to self aggrandise?
Ok... It's obvious who I'm referring to here, but lets look at the other candidates. Two Racists and a Green. I apologise to the 'Green' for putting her in such company, but as far as winning goes, they are fairly comparable. Sorry. Fact. Sadly, caring for our planet seems to be pretty much a 'niche' political objective.
For the Lib Dems, Brian Paddick. Now, aside from the fact that he is a Lib Dem, and thus unlikely to be elected to anything more important than 'token Lib Dem Voice' since their NHS betrayal, he also seems to suffer from that most evil of political maladies: dignity Blindness.
I salute him for being an openly homosexual police officer who has risen to such a powerful position. I salute him for managing to remain a Lib Dem throughout the coalition without tearing his own head off with his bare hands and rugby punting it into orbit.
But.
And it's a 'Big But': Nobody wants to have seen their Mayor on I'm a Celebrity chewing through whatever hacked off animal part they fed him... And this is the London Problem... The problem that is most apparent when you come to the only candidates with a realistic shot at the job...
Confession time. I like Boris and I Like Ken. Both of them. Both are very amusing men, and would be an amazing double act if they were given rival teams on one of those ubiquitous panel shows that the BBC put out in place of expensive scripted comedy these days.
When I lived in London I genuinely applied to be Boris Johnston's speech writer, when he was shadow Higher Education secretary. One of the questions was, and this is utterly true incidentally, 'write about a Trip on a spaceship'. I would have been good at that job. I hope he read my submission.
But despite this, neither of these men should be taking on this difficult job. Both have too much political baggage, trading on facial recognition alone. Also neither of them seem to have any control over their oratory functions. For both men to actually deserve the description 'gaffe-prone' speaks volumes about them.
And no, I'm not falling for that Genial Buffoon act Boris does, or the laid back Lefty Uncle who might have once met Joe Strummer bit from Ken. They are career politicians. And they have teams of diamond hard advisors around them, no doubt taking care of much of the actual shovel work.
I think that's my main objection. It's like electing a figurehead, not a Mayor. The man with most name recognition wins. Under this logic you could get David Walliams vs John Bishop. Both comedy/sporting/nearly-killing-themselves-for-charity heroes. Who would go on which 'team'? It doesn't matter, they would have as much real input as Nick Clegg has on anything.
Yes yes, we get the political team, but why have the figurehead in the first place? Surely both sides can put up candidates with some political weight, but who you could also leave alone with a reporter without them saying something that could spark an international incident.
That said, this competition has been funny. Watching commentators from both sides going through the motions of trying to 'photoshop' all the ludicrousness from their boy whilst calling out their opposites for doing the same.
All I've seen on Twitter for months is: Boris said this so we should back Ken (From the left) Well Ken stands for this so we should back Boris (From the Right) blah blah blee blah using official Twitter to campaign' blah blah 'He's an anti semite, honest' blah blah 'dodgy tax' (For both men) blah blah etc etc ad infinitum.
The 'debate' is as predictable as a metronome and has all the political insight of 'Beliebers' Vs 'Directioners', although at least those two can agree on some things, like perhaps that 'The sky is blue' whereas if one of our mayoral candidates stated this, his opposites would start briefing that it was actually Red that day, and he is a Racist for noticing the colour in the first place and anyway, when their candidate wins the sky will be Gold with falling riches...
The upshot of turning the Capital's 'Important Political Decision' into a personality battle, 'The Mayor Factor' is that it lends an air of shrill desperation to the campaign. A lack of 'real' belief. A Simon Cowell-esque cynicism.
Perhaps it's is time for both sides to sit down, as one, and raise the howl that must be locked in all of their hearts as they trot out the stale and unconvincing arguments for their candidate...
A piercing shriek rises from both left and right.
"Fuck me... Do we both not deserve better candidates than this!"
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