Day 14: Facebook FAST! (Or, why an artifice of social circles might not help you with your real ones)

As I'm nearly half way through, and of course it looks like this one will also be a successful, I feel I can now shed light on one of my other September experiments.

This one actually started a bit earlier, but I wasn't particularly confident in my ability to achieve it, which will kind of give you an idea of how large this habit loomed in my life.

Yes, I decided not to use Facebook. No more reading updates, checking friends profiles, 'Liking Pictures' or anything of that nature. As it is, it's not as hard as I thought it would be, although it was an automatic reflex for so long. Mouse goes to Email, Email read, Goes to Twitter, Scans Twitter, Finally to Facebook... the Unholy Trinity.

So why stop? Well other than the habit-breakingness of it I wanted to see how it would alter my own social relations. I have quite recently moved back to London. I know few people here, save a few old friends who have rather busy lives. I wondered if the cosy illusion of a close social circle that Facebook conjures might be allowing me to sit back, preventing me from making the effort at finding more real human beings to converse with (An inevitably, eventually add into my digital world)

I can't report back on that as yet, but I can say a few other interesting things that leaving Facebook throws up.

Firstly I am more keen to contact my existing friends, when on the site, reading the things they do definitely fools the brain, or my brain at least, into imagining there has been some contact, whereas nothing more personal than reading a post it note has taken place. (Of course there are message exchanges, but that's not really what I'm talking about here). Now I am off it, I want to talk to them, there is more mystery there, and as a pattern seeking creature, it means there are alluring gaps in the narrative I want to fill.

Secondly, Nobody notices. Seriously. If you are ever thinking of taking a break, even from a site that pays lip service to emulating social functions, nobody has ever asked me why I stopped broadcasting. Maybe in earlier days when it was just you and your actual friends who are a bit tech savvy... but now it's your mum and your aunty and that racist cousin who 'shares' things from the EDL quicker than you can hammer the 'Hide' button... Amidst all that, the sudden dearth of your transmissions will not even register. Unlike a party, you can just slip out quietly, without a word and nobody will wonder where you've gone. The only person who has expressed any disappointment is my mum, who enjoys reading the less sweary of my updates, but she already knew I was going...

Thirdly, Facebook REALLY want you back. I have been getting emails with increasing frequency and plaintiveness, like the 'How you doing' Texts from an ex (Not that I'd know anything about those). The amusing thing about this is the format obviously hasn't changed for some time, and so it keeps telling me about all the unacknowledged 'Pokes' I've had, many of them from years and years ago when people still used that odd, and double entendre filled, feature of the site. I now get at least three of these emails a week, and it would be more if I had more activity, but I'm not a teenager, so I get very few 'OMFG' messages these days...

Now there are things I have missed out on. Pictures of my nephews first day of school are up there. Luckily they will still be up there when I get back. I've also missed out on ignorant opinions from some long forgotten cousin you've forgotten to hide from your timeline, status updates from incredibly happy, holidaying, people that seem insufferably smug at 6:30 in the morning when you're getting up to get a tube, the same joke shared a thousand times, pictures of people's children you aren't blood related to (Who are therefore, less interesting than a tea cup ring on a sideboard) and sponsered links to things that have so little relation to you that it gives the impression that the algorithm is either broken or batshit insane..

I've also missed out on wasted hours trawling through looking for something of informational or humorous content... and I am particularly ruthless with my hide button.
(And don't worry, I'm not being smug here.. I know that I contribute more drone to the ongoing fridge-buzz of online discourse than just about anyone)

So I will almost certainly make it to the end. Subsequent to this I doubt it will ever become as automatic again. I will look, and hopefully I'll enjoy it more as I visit less.

And when I return and note that I haven't been online for a whole months, I will be slightly, shamefully, disappointed that nobody has noticed.

Day 13: The really really really really unlucky one. (Or, a lens to focus on all the shitty things that happen in an entirely normal day)

It's Friday the 13th!

Hurrah for irrational numerology and superstitious hokum peripherally connected with Christian Mythology.

Now, if you've ever read any of these you will probably guess that I don't really believe in the concept of luck. There's just stuff that happens. And so you will guess I don't believe in a day that is particularly unlucky... and you'd be right.

That's not to say that the concept of Friday the 13th doesn't throw up some interesting ideas. Firstly it's a great way of focusing your attention on the negative. How many more missed busses, stubbed toes and lost keys are obsessed over because it's 'typical' of the day. Anything you focus on instantly gains importance, as importance is essentially... well... 'focus'. Add that all together and you have a genuinely shitty day.

Also, Did you know that there is a small statistical spike in accidents on any given Friday the 13th? There are three possible reasons for this.

Firstly, it could be expectation confirmation. People who think they might fall off the ladder are more likely to fall off the ladder, and they fall off the ladder.

Secondly, it could be over caution. People who are worried about it being Friday the 13th might be paying so much attention that they essentially sabotage the automatic processes that normally carry them up and down the ladder safely, then they fall off the ladder.

Thirdly, They might just fall off the ladder. It might just be a massive coincidence.

I've had exceedingly bad Friday the 13th's in the past. Breaking up from a rather important relationship on one took some beating, but I still can't blame the day for that. There are many things I can blame, but not the day itself, mores the pity. I've tried.

Other than that it's just an excuse to roll your eyes at the person when you miss the lift and say something like 'Typical Friday the 13th'... you can start a conversation. Meet someone new, perhaps get in a relationship... but they might be crazy.. they might go full psychopath on a romantic trip to Camp Crystal lake and chop your arms and legs off whilst wearing a hockey mask...

...and why, because you met them on Friday the 13th.

Bad luck!

Day 12: Can I get a man who preaches 'morality' to spontaneously attack me? (Or, Hands off Zombie Night you Pious Bitches!)

I am doing a bad thing most days on my way to work...
It's not entirely on purpose... Like yesterday's blog it's a spontaneous reaction to stimulus, but I have to say I am making a big show of it, and in fact broadcasting it at somebody... and I'm hoping to get a reaction...

To paint you a lovely picture, outside my local tube station there are a set of evangelical religious types.. I'm not 100% sure of their particular brand of mystical bunk, but they are of the super conservative ilk who feel the need to give out pamphlets warning you about how whatever you happen to be doing, that isn't something that they do, is going to send you to hell...

Today was a good one, it loudly proclaimed to tell 'The Evil Truth behind Halloween'.
Now I would have thought they'd like Halloween, because if there's one thing that religion benefits from, it's a willingness to believe in spirits and ghosts and the undead and all sorts of other things that make a good story, but have no bearing on the actual, honest to goodness world of realness and matter that I (or anyone) lives in...

So i did what I always do. I stopped. and I laughed. I laughed heartily, standing right in front of them. Then I wiped my eyes and moved on.

Do I feel bad about laughing in the faces of these, probably well-intentioned, but overly pious and misguided people?
No. Not a bit. Here's why.

A) Killjoys having a go at things like that might make Gullible parents stop their kids from joining in on something that is 100% harmless fun... I like Halloween, they show Horror movies.. and even if they don't, I'll be getting my Night of the Living Dead box set and watching 'the canonical 3' as I do every year (even without my Zombuddy). So leave HAlloween alone.

2) They are actually funny. They are a couple and they cut such a forlorn figure. And it's their job.. I can't help but laugh.. and then the look I get in return just cracks me up even more. It's like a cartoon where they literally look daggers, only his would be composed of hellfire.

D) They are not just expressing their beliefs, they are trying to change the beliefs of others. They are advertising. They are putting their ideas about religion into the public realm and making them a part of the public discourse, but with ideas as flimsy as theirs (Witches are REAL and Halloween helps them in some way) the only correct response is laughter. Not Argument, debate or even mockery. It's funny enough as it is.

I used to be worse than this. I have a strong feeling about Religion since the fundamentalist upbringing of one of my schoolfriends led to his eventual suicide in his early twenties. I used to go out of my way to get in discussions with religious people, and like most atheists of that type I would read more religious texts than all but the most committed believers. I would know everything required to Judo throw them with the weight of their own convictions. I could quote chapter and verse of each and every contradiction and morally reprehensible statement and I would be disappointed when my reason didn't alter their opinion one iota...

Now I don't worry. If you aren't using your belief to get me to change mine, I'll just smile, nod and remember not to ask you any science questions.

If you are standing outside a train station with a sign proclaiming that a fairly innocent holiday, that stems from one of your OWN SAINTS Festivals is evil.. well I'll keep laughing in your face until, hopefully, you lose it and chase me down the street... and I'll laugh all the way.

And then I'll stop, and face you, and continue laughing.. and then what will you do?

Day 11: The ancient art of pretending you're doing something (Or, I might well laugh myself out of my job and into an early grave full of ineffectual needles)

I work in a Medical Education. Real Medical Education, Doctors and nurses and all that...
The post I am about to type could well get me fired, even though it seems to me possibly the least controversial thought I've ever expressed in here.. yes even less controversial than the universally held idea that Keith Lemon is in no way funny...

I mainly deal with nurses. Genuine medical type nurses. I help them not get kicked out when they've messed up a few times and missed a few too many lectures (Sometimes I help them get kicked out when they've missed way too many lectures as well, but that doesn't seem quite as pleasant). In our faculty we deal with Nurses, Health Visitors, Occupational therapists, Mental Health Professionals, Radiographers and Acupuncturists....

What.. yes.. I did a double take when I saw that one on the list as well.. In a campus of genuine, utterly not made up, scientifically approved therapies we have a bunch of people learning how sticking needles in certain places can cure all manner of illnesses that sticking needles in you cannot do, unless of course they are hypodermic needles that are full of medicine...

Now I am not doubting the barrels of anecdotal evidence supplied by people that they have received therapeutic benefits from people putting needles in just the right places... in fact we even have a name for that benefit. It's called the Placebo effect.

Placebos administered by needle (Ie a saline solution) are measurably more effective than when administered by tablet at killing pain. The body responds to needles, it knows what they are, they have a demonstrable effect that's very hard for the nervous system to ignore. It also responds to theatrical prancing and ritual. Acupuncture has both of these by the syringe-load...

What it doesn't have sadly is 'Qi'.. the mystical energy... because of course, such things are nonsense. As soon as the word 'Mystical' is applied to something it ceases to be science. Sorry that's just facts. It is also a fact that the body heals itself, and it heals itself better when someone does something to convince it that it should be healing... this is the very epitome of the Placebo effect...

But it's being taught right there, on the same list as Children's nursing... thankfully it's a tiny course and it's tucked away from the real medical people and all the people who are on it are jolly nice, middle class types who probably half believe in it and half don't and won't really get to the level of charlatanism that exponents of other hideous sham (or 'Alternative') Medicines do.
(I have genuinely seen a Herbalist offering  to 'Help Beat Cancer'.. When I asked them, reminding them of the law about false advertising of such things and with the entire rage of thinking about my Mother's battle with cancer behind me, they claimed they meant it was to help with the well being of a patient after beating Cancer and promised to change the sign)

Luckily for me, I don't have much dealings with the Acupuncture lot, but every time I walk past the plaque proudly proclaiming that our Acupuncture course is affiliated with the Confucius Institute, (which is of course, based in London) I start laughing. I mean really laughing.... and one day I'm very afraid that someone will ask me why I'm stood in the foyer of their little magic den, doubled over laughing... Then I'll have to either come up with something pretty convincing... because when it comes to people peddling this kind of thing, I am VERY bad at keeping my mouth shut...