Day 3. Osborne and Cameron's Sahara Snowman Extravaganza (Or Why Owen Jones and Guido Fawkes can now duel on airborn Porkers)

Oh thanks Cameron and Osborne...

You are truly the gift that keeps on giving. I was looking for something to write today.. and boy howdy, you are the well that never dries up.. in fact you are a sink hole into subterranean pacific, and as fast as I squeaky-wheel my bucket down into that fetid darkness, I will never drain you dry...

Yes, you have gifted me... 'The Lobbying Bill' as it is colloquially known, or, with slightly less politeness, 'that fag-packet idea to bukkake jerk all over the unions that somehow ended up with all the charities, NGO's and... well anyone with any kind of opinion in the middle of the circle ready for an eyeful of Politico Jizz'.

To say ill conceived is a kindness. It is akin to detonating a grenade in your house to scare off a mouse, or perhaps enacting a Brazil-style bureaucratic nightmare against anyone who spends over 5k on anything that might, by accident, seem to effect an election result in order to hamstring the Union funding of your political opponent.

It was all looking so promising too. Ed had seemed to mishandle a whole Titanic load of Union power plays in the selection of Labour candidates. (I say Seem, because the whole thing was so complex and seemed so openly shady that my caffeine-defficient eyes start to bleed when I so much as glance at a report about it).

The time was ripe for a well thought out bill.. a scalpel.. that in the hands of a surgeon would make the tiniest incision, severing the link 'twixt party and funder, the life-blood would drain out of the union machine as people who joined purely as a 'Fuck you' to the Tories (such people do exist by the way) would instead spend their money on real ale and tickets to steam fairs... Labour would crumble, Obvs, because it's not like they've ever had any nod and wink donations from the wealthy is it?
Finally Cameron would be elected lifelong king of the world and be given a sixty foot high Robot suit from which to rule, the skies would darken and we'd all voluntarily troop down to Hades to begin our new lives as daemons of the outer darkness...

So, of course, they gave it to Andrew-Neutron-Bomb-Lansley.

So now if anyone thought I had enough money and influence to effect an election result.. in any way.. I'd have to register... You can't speak out on matters of public interest, either pro or anti government. Only News Media and Politicants themselves are exempt

Basically it's a 'Now Shut up EVERYONE' bill...

Ironic really that it has done exactly the opposite and got everyone talking about the bill.
More than that, it is nothing short of Miraculous that it has got everyone on the same side for once. Seriously, you've got Guido Fawkes publicly agreeing with Owen Jones. It's wonderful, I've never seen the country so united. It's like the Olympics for political people.

'Anti' Statements have also been made by:
The Taxpayers Alliance
Greenpeace
Conservative Home
Labour List
The BMA
38 Degrees.
and even...
The Electoral Commission
Yes.. The Electoral Fucking Commission have reservations. All we need now is Osborne and Lansley to issue a statement saying that 'This Bill is a Wanker and we're going to do a double arm clothesline on it" and we'll have a clean sweep

But Perhaps I've got it wrong, perhaps it isn't out and out undemocratic, unworkable lunacy. Perhaps David Cameron is a political genius and has finally created that 'Big Society' thing that he was so into a few years ago. A whole network of communities, who would normally be opposed, all come together for a common good.. the defeat of the most illiberal piece of nonsense I've ever bothered to skim my caffeine-hungry eyes over someone else's analysis of...

At least if that is all true and when we do find ourselves voluntarily marching down into underworld to 'enjoy' the eternal rein of the Dark Lord Cameron, we might find Owen and Guido performing the Bolero on the, now 'ex', lake of fire...

Day 2: Television made me a Criminal! (Or, why I don't want to have to get a TV License and no it's not that reason you utter utter douchebag)

I don't currently have a TV License.

There I said it. Arrest me.
Or don't, I'm still not entirely sure on my legal state here...
I don't have a TV.
Ah... (They would say) But you have a computer that is capable of watching Broadcast channels...
But it isn't (I would reply).. this G5 PPC Mac is so old it can barely handle Youtube, let alone streaming services... even 'Flash Player' has abandoned it, and you'd think that would be a bit more understanding since it is currently having more backs turned on it than one of Sir Mix-a-lot's 'Special' dreams...
Ah... (They would continue, rifling through my pockets).. but you have a smart phone... that is capable...
But It doesn't... I haven't asked it too.. (I would insist)... and unless one of these 'Google' apps has become sentient and is now watching TV to alleviate the boredom of my mundane search history then it certainly isn't...
But it COULD (They would harangue)
But I DON'T FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING WATCH TV... (I would weepcryshriek)

So I'm not sure on the legality, and I'm loathe to ask in case they decided that just being aware that my phone can feasibly pick up a TV streaming site is enough to prove capability...

When I moved into this tiny flat I was mildly dismayed that there was no room for a TV. But having only watched it for a few days whilst visiting my parents I realise I don't miss it that much anyway. It would be nice to have something to play the new GTA game on, but I barely get enough time to sleep at the moment.. and besides, I always lived in shared houses and would let my housemates do the actual mission in order to unlock the good stuff.. (I wonder if you can hire a kid to do that)

Of course TV is a good way of taking the pulse of the country, it can still throw up the occasional shared experience and there is the very occasional program that I just can't wait for a DVD release.. but this is all rarity now. I can take the pulse on Twitter without every having to dirty my eyes with the Xfactor or be bored by a long empty shot of the doors to a place a Royal might come out of with a baby... and of course I can watch the inevitable poorly transcoded Youtube rip while I wait for my DVD to be delivered, whilst having the additional fun of quietly seething at the douchebag who decided to watermark somebody elses work with their Youtube 'Handle' whilst insisting in the description that: 'No Copywrite infringement is intended'

And the shared experience? Well.. they are now few and far between. We don't all watch TV shows at the same time. We can catch up, or iplayer.. or use our built in hard drive things... I remember when it was a fairly common thing to overhear "I'm going home.. I don't want to miss 'X'" (Not with my friends obviously.. we were all too 'Cool' for such things... we had VHS recorders and we knew how to use them).

Now you only get that with kind of schedule necessity with sporting events, which fortunately I don't like very much, or shows that are particularly susceptible to 'Spoilers', which again, doesn't really effect me as I can't devote enough time to the sweeping HBO style drama this generally applies too.. Yes... even Breaking Bad*

(*Ok Ok, I know it's great, it's amazing, it's better than oral sex from an angel with a tongue made of silk etc etc... I bought it for my Dad on DVD and the twenty minute chunks I've seen are great, but I can't commit to their mammoth seasons... I just can't. I need to sleep sometimes. Please don't kill me everyone else in the Western Hemisphere)

At this point I have to make clear that I don't begrudge the BBC the License fee, in fact, this is the only thing that is in any way enticing about paying up. I'd love to go to a few righty-bloggers/Twitterbrains and say: Oh yeah, I love the Beeb so much I pay a license for a TV I don't have.. just in the hope that they broadcast some lesbian union atheist propaganda ballet-mime whilst I polish my bust of Trotsky and sing the Internationale...

I bloody love the Beeb, ever since I first saw Monty Python as a young child and saw it poking fun at itself. I love it because it's big and it's stuffy and it's unabashed about wanting to educate as well as entertain. I like that it doesn't have to pander to advertisers. Not that all adverts are bad, but imagine if programming was entirely in the hands of an industry that can try and sell Lynx to virgins by reversing it's effects, attracting the female human instead of catapulting them away at high speed.

The last thing I would want anyone to assume is that I didn't want to pay in order to make some petty attack on something I love... I so unabashedly adore.

No, the real reason I don't want to buy one is really very simple, I'm enjoying not watching TV, and I'm worried that if I buy one I'll probably feel compelled to watch it in order make it 'Worth My While'...

...and then I might end up watching Keith Lemon's Through The Keyhole.
...and then something very bad might happen.
 

Day 1: Experimental... (Or why September is a good month for dicking about with behaviour)

When I was a younger man I was very into conducting experiments on myself. These usually took the form of some kind of endurance test, or sensory deprivation type thing, or language experiment...

For example:

I stayed awake for over a week (Nearly 2, but sadly my memory of the time is pretty hazy) with no kind of stimulant. Sounds easy eh? Try it. Lots of fun to be had there. Aside from a general deterioration in health and psychological functions the hallucinations and waking dreams were quite fun. I would recommend everybody do it at least once.

Just don't do it when I did, during a series of final exams, leaving me having a waking dream in the middle of a final paper. My brain just, well, switched off for a second and when I came to my hand had decided to break off, mid-way through a word and go off in spiraling loops that eventually escaped the paper. It was at that point I decided to put my pen down, stand up and shamble out of the Exam. The lecturer asked 'Are you alright?'. I remember waving them off and shambling away to find an empty video editing suite, where I curled up under the desk and fell into a blessed sleep.

I also went for about 6 weeks without speaking to anyone and with virtually no human contact. I would  wait outside the supermarket for it to open in the morning in order to do my shopping when the staff were just as uncommunicative as I was. I also had no television or phone, and the internet wasn't a thing you had at home yet, let alone in your hand. (yes, there was a time like that).

Surprisingly this led to me going a bit weird. But since there was nobody else there and I barely remember it, due to my brain turning into some kind of mush, I have very little to report back from that one.. except perhaps that even insular introverts need some kind of human interaction, even if it's the illusory ones that spew through the TV in the chummy faux-friend guise of 'presenters'

I have done many other things like this. Some of a mildly less legal/more chemical nature (But still ethical, my Lab is myself, and I wouldn't have hurt or do this to anyone else... oh and I've grown out of that bit now...) I've hypnotised myself, publicly traded my gender role, learned odd skills I'll never use, become obsessive over even odder subjects, done starvation tests...

But why am I blogging about this at all?

Well... I've decided to re-ignite the experiments.. and they'll be done in September. Starting today. They are all commencing at the same time, but I will be reporting on them as we go on... amongst other things. So if you do read this.. firstly.. why? Secondly, expect to hear a lot more from me over this month...

September is a good month for this. It's 30 days long, which seems to be a traditional number for this kind of thing. It isn't Summer, so I won't drop everything to sit in a park and play guitar until a homeless Russian man tries to get me to play a Russian  folk song I don't know with a series of gestures and grunts. I won't decide to disappear to a festival where all rules go out of the window in an attempt to synthesise pure 'hedonism'.

Also I have recently returned to London and started a new job*. So I am quite buoyant from that and have decided to transfer that increased energy into all other aspects of my life... I will record how successful I am in this odd self improvement mission here...

Again, the question occurs, why?

Well.. I have found if you want to keep something secret and personal, the absolute best place to do so is by publishing it publicly on the internet... If you fail to include a picture of a Cat, or a gif of a cat... Or something else with a cat, then you might as well have written it on parchment in a long dead language, sealed it in an impenetrable vault, and dropped it into the deepest ocean, on another planet...

So to kick off, and starting small, I am killing all caffeine in my life. No more morning wake up Coffee... Just a Decaff Tea. I have drunk caffeinated drinks for most of my life, from childhood. The longest I've done before is two weeks. That sounds like a dependence to me. So it goes. At the end of the month I will decide which ones to keep and which ones to dispose of... Oh and I'll crow about any successes. Failures... Mmm.. Not decided what to do about them yet...

Anyway.. does anyone else do this kind of thing? Feel free to let me know if you do and how you get on...

(*If you are someone who works with me in this new job and have googled me and found this, I would like to state that this is ALL fiction., especially the bits that insinuated I'd done weird in my distant past.. oh and if I did I'm completely fine now.. well.. harmless anyway...)

Music: New track from the World is coming to get You - Theme from 'Future Cops'!

Something else from 'The World is Coming to get you'
(and it is.. It really is)
Probably the best lighthearted theme to a fictional kids TV show about 'Robot Police from the future' I've ever Done...

Aside from that, I'm back in London and doing plenty of writing, oh and Off to Glastonbury soon... hopefully after that I'll be doing more updates of this thing...